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Thursday, January 20, 2011


Sorry if it seemed like I flipped out earlier. So many thoughts and ideas and questions... These are the questions that this blog is here to explore! And maybe I'm harder on myself than people in the world are. After all, my biggest problem as a teenager was I was convinced everyone hated me, which I'm now sure was not true at all.

But it was very timely in my life, actually, to read that post. Have you noticed that happening? When you are questioning something and an answer appears in an unexpected place?

I've felt very torn as I consider possible future relationships (I'm not dating this year, but I am trying to figure out what I'm looking for in a relationship, what is most important to me).

I've said before that I don't want to date someone because of his skin color, because of his race. Yet I've been feeling some pressure to do that. I started thinking how maybe it would make my life easier if I married a Hindu.

Mrs. BBBB's post reminded me that it is not that simple.

I have to hold out for love. I can't date someone just to gain some kind of passport into culture. Sounds obvious, doesn't it? It's easier said than done. I think a lot of people end up getting married for social reasons, and not for passion.

I don't understand love, I don't know what it looks like or what it feels like, I don't trust the experiences I may have had with it in the past.

Sometimes I need to be reminded that the grass looks greener, a certain kind of relationship looks easier, and it really isn't.

And maybe I will end up with a Hindu Indian man and maybe I won't, but I am not going to date someone for what it could get me socially, I am waiting for love (and how very modern that sounds!)


  1. I don't at all see what would be wrong with dating an Indian Hindu, after all you yourself are aware that there are not many Hindus that are not of Indian heritage.
    There are plenty of modern, westernised Hindu guys out there and importantly many will have the same belief system as you.
    If you were to date an Indian Hindu, then you would not be dating him for being Indian, just for being Hindu and sharing the same beliefs as you...
    Don't rule it out, is all I am saying.
    BTW, after reading BBBB's post - it is safe to say that it has nothing to do with your kind of girl.
    It is merely her showing distaste for women that abandon their own identity and pick up another for their partner (one they can never fulfill).
    You are finding things in alignment with your identity, not changing it to suit someone else!

  2. "I have to hold out for love." "I am waiting for love"... I believe these are the statements that ruin more relationships than arguments about money or children or whatever.

    Modern America has, I believe, a completely messed-up view of romantic love and relationships. We're constantly bombarded with messages via movies, novels and those glossy magazines with drivel about 'chemistry' and 'soulmates'. People go around waiting for love to happen to them and think that they'll meet someone, fall in love instantly and walk off into the sunset with their The One.

    Doesn't work like that. You want to know what love is like, want to know what it looks like and feels like? I believe true love is the subduction of self. Love is waking up and actively thinking of ways to make your beloved's day better. Love is putting their concerns and happiness over your own. Love is personal fulfillment through bringing joy to your beloved.

    Love can be a one-way or two-way street. We all know the horror stories of people doggedly serving another for their whole life, and receiving nothing in return. Is that love? Yes, and possibly a purer form than when love is reciprocated.

    Love is active, not passive; an event, not an emotion. Oh sure, there's the passion of early love, when you get butterflies in your stomach merely when your beloved's name is mentioned, but that's a passing chemical reaction. Passion is merely that - a chemical response in our brain that ebbs and flows like the tide. Love is a conscious effort that we must make daily. Passion is selfish; love is giving.

    Have you ever watched the movie "27 Dresses"? It came so close to portraying my concept of love. The main character in that movie showed so much love to her friends and beloved, then threw that all away for a shot at passion.

    There's so much to love, I could ramble on for pages and pages, but I'll cut it off here, for brevity's sake. The best advice I have is find someone you can live with. Choose to love them and make their life heaven. If they love you back, they'll be doing the same for you.

  3. B Smith, I have spent most of my life not believing in soul mates and thinking that I needed to pick a socially acceptable person and serve him with all my heart. I tried SO HARD to be that person.

    If love is that kind of misery, I don't want it. I've tried that road and I'm bitter with how much it hurt me.

    I'm not waiting for The One, I don't think there is one person for us, but I'm not going to be a slave to un-reciprocated love.

    I have yet to find a person worthy of me putting their happiness ahead of my own. I'll let you know if it happens. If not, then I'll just keep company with my books.

  4. Honestly, as long as you remember that you are seeking an individual man and not an Indian, there is nothing wrong with having a preference for Indian Hindu men. Maybe you don't have that preference anyway, but I don't think there is anything wrong with it if you do.

    There is fetishizing, in which one sees human beings as objects for their romantic/sexual satisfaction based on some it white men who only want to date East Asian women, to men of any background who will only date very heavy women...there is a line not to cross and that is whether your interest is based on a stereotyped fantasy or just based on the fact that you find Indian men attractive but you know you are not looking for any random Indian, but for the right life partner who happens to be Indian. I think a religious Hindu Indian man would compliment your Hinduism, so that is hardly a fetish. Imagine some gross old white guy who wants to date East Asian women "because they are exotic, passive, subservient, know how to treat a man, good in bed, are petite, don't get fat like white women," etc. obviously this type of man is basing his interest in East Asian women on trite stereotypes and lust. How can a man like that see his partner as a full human being?

    We have the same issue in Muslim convert circles that many convert women purposely seek native born Muslim men because in our minds it gives us and our potential future children a more 'authentic' Muslim lifestyle connected to a Muslim culture. But I think we sell our convert men short by doing that. So that is something to consider.

    There are men and women who like a certain 'type' of partner but like them in a respectful way, are not open to just anyone who fits the description, are able to see individual differences, etc.

    Whoever gets you will be a lucky guy, whoever he is!

  5. Lol, ewwwww. Yeah, I'm sure I'm not fetishizing! I'm trying hard to keep an open mind and not rule anyone out.

  6. ask your self this... Whats wrong in finding some one like me???

  7. After seeing all your recent posts where you seem a lot confused, I would say only this... These are the words spoken by a Tamil poet 1800 years ago

    யாதும் ஊரே யாவரும் கேளிர்
    தீதும் நன்றும் பிறர்தர வாரா
    நோதலும் தணிதலும் அவற்றோ ரன்ன
    சாதலும் புதுவது அன்றே, வாழ்தல்
    இனிதென மகிழ்ந்தன்றும் இலமே முனிவின்
    இன்னா தென்றலும் இலமே, மின்னொடு
    வானம் தண்துளி தலைஇ யானாது
    கல் பொருது மிரங்கு மல்லல் பேரியாற்று
    நீர்வழிப் படூஉம் புணைபோல் ஆருயிர்
    முறை வழிப் படூஉம் என்பது திறவோர்
    காட்சியில் தெளிந்தனம் ஆகலின், மாட்சியின்
    பெரியோரை வியத்தலும் இலமே,
    சிறியோரை இகழ்தல் அதனினும் இலமே.

    "Every place is ours, for us humans, Everyone in this world is related to us, the good and the bad are not caused by others, Suffering and relief , subsequently life and death has been decided on the day you enter this world. Hence don't be happy that your life is enjoyable nor be sad and say life is miserable.

    Like the boat which is floating in a rampaging stream, where the boat takes the course of the water, so does life take the course of fate or your destiny and hurtles towards death. This is what I have learned from my elders..

    Hence, do not cast aspersions on lesser people nor praise the higher people to the moon..."

    Hence...calm down, whatever is going to happen will happen.. by worrying about it, you lose a few seconds of your precious life every time..

  8. Indians are a small minority in the US. Why can't you marry a white man who does not take religion seriously and then raise your children as hindus.

  9. Hi Aamba,

    I'm a British Indian and have lived in England since I was very young and now in my 40's...Obviously I grew up mostly around Non Indians (Hindus) and without wanting to go into a lot of details I too, in my 20's, was a little confused about what sort of life partner I wanted.

    I took my time and came to the conclusion that I wanted someone like me in terms of religion upbringing, family values and day to day priorities! Someone, who would after 10 or 20 years of marriage would still at their core be like me.

    I married a British Indian girl (no white Hindu girls around!) and to be honest whilst we may have other differences there has never been any question of how to bring up our kids or values or priorities.

    I read a blog from a white american christian woman married to an Indian guy in the US who it seemes to me resented his Hindu ways and the guy has more or less converted to Christianity...I think he must have felt pressured reading between the lines;

    I dont give advice. Just to say, stick to your core values and nothing wrong in wanting a partner be he American Hindu or Indian!

  10. Thanks for the input, everyone, really.

    My options at this point are wide open. I may marry an Indian Hindu, I may marry a white Hindu, I may marry a white non-Hindu who agrees to raise Hindu children. At this point, there's no way to know!

    There are some other factors that are also important to me, so it's a challenge to find a good balance, which is why I'm not going to settle down until I am really sure.

    But I'm going to keep an eye on the future as I go on dates and get to know people and try to remember to think about what I want my life to look in ten, twenty, thirty years, etc.