A new book to read

Someone on Ravelry just mentioned this book that I had never heard of.

It's called How to Be a Perfect Stranger and it is a guide book to most of the religious services one might encounter in the U.S.

Absolutely brilliant idea for this very diverse country. It looks like they cover a lot and answer questions about how to dress, how services work, how to address the clergy, etc.

I ordered it from Amazon, and I look forward to seeing what it has to say about Hinduism.

I'm sorry, Christians

Okay, I know that of late I've been letting my animosity toward Christianity show. I have a lot of anger about it and I am working to let go of that, but it's tough.

I used to have a lot more patience, but over the years I got closer and closer to the end of the proverbial rope so that now, everything sends me over the edge! I have no opportunity to grow this patience back because Christianity is rammed down my throat every day.

It's not just evangelicals. Of every 50 people you meet in America, probably 49 of them will be wearing a cross. Something like 30 of them will have a Bible quote at their desk at work. Christianity is everywhere you look here. It's in my face all day, every day. T-shirts, bumper stickers, tattoos, jewelry. Bibles in hotel rooms, prayers at events where they should not be legally doing them at all, etc. Bad enough that one can't walk ten feet in America without hitting a church. And I get told I'm just being sensitive and a spoil sport. If my religion were forced on them as much as theirs is on me, they would be saying something very different.

All I ask of Christianity is that it leave me in peace. That's it.

I can't even get away from it in my own home. I get email forwards with Bible verses or talk about angels, I see Bible quotes on Facebook, there are ten television stations dedicated to sermons, and advertisements for Wow Worship music on mainstream channels.

And then there are the people knocking on my door wanting to talk about Jesus Christ, who has been DEAD for more than two thousand years, people. (And before anyone says anything about resurrection, don't forget who you're talking to. I don't believe death exists for anyone. "He who thinks he can kill, he who thinks he can be killed; both are mistaken." Gita).

One of the reasons I make myself very visible as a Hindu is because I am forced to see Christians' religion. If they're going to put their religion in my face, I'm going to put mine in theirs. And I'll tell you, I was very glad I was wearing a bindi when we went to a friend's house to play games and a new person there was wearing a "Jesus Saves" shirt. I can play that game too.

You know what else gets on my nerves? The expression "You only live once." I don't know how it is in other parts of the world, but this expression is everywhere in America. It is usually used to justify stupid behavior. The thing that gets to me is that this phrase is thrown around like it's absolute truth that everyone acknowledges and believes. Well, I don't. I don't think we live once at all.

As the article yesterday said, the ethos of Christianity is all around us in America. People have a baseline assumption that everyone around them is Christian, shown when someone complains in a room full of people about having to have a holiday party at school instead of a Christmas party as though everyone around is going to agree with them (shut up and stop whining is what I want to tell them. Not having a Christmas party is not equivalent to being persecuted. Talk to the people who were burned alive for being Christian).

The idea of a National day of prayer is ridiculous. Leaving aside that it favors religion over non-religion and I completely respect my boyfriend's right to not believe in any God or higher power, Christians in favor of it like to say that it is "non-denominational," so it's okay.

It's non-denominational Christian. Don't kid yourself. I don't know of any other religion that prays the way Christians do. If you want to pray one day of the year, go ahead. If you want to pray every day of the year, go ahead. Do it in your home. Do it in private, like the Bible says to!

I once told a Christian about how Hinduism has a trinity and the similarities between Jesus and Krishna. Know what he said? That Hinduism had TAKEN it from Christianity. Sorry, dude, Hinduism had those ideas way before Christianity ever existed.

I know that this apology is not one at all, it's just a rant.

It really is a shame because I do know some great people who are Christians. They have loved and respected me enough not to try to convert me and I appreciate that. I have at least a couple of friends who have been very much helped by becoming Christian. That's great for them. I'm sorry that I don't have more patience. I know there are people out there praying for me to get some!

In the mean time, I am going to try to keep the anger out of my posts. I really do want to focus on Hinduism and what it means to be a Hindu in America and to be a non-Indian Hindu. I don't care about Christianity's issues or how they see the world. I've heard it all before. This blog is not for Christianity. In fact, it should be a place where I can get away from it. So, from here on out, no more jabs at Christianity. If I should worry about offending anyone, it is my Christian friends.

Raavan-movie review

I actually got to see the Raavan movie yesterday! This is the movie that Sita and Dhurga were talking about in the comments a few posts ago. A re-imagining of the Ramayana, with more sympathy toward the Ravana character.

It sounded so interesting, but I didn't know how to find out when or where it would be playing, then a girl from my Hindi meet-up group posted on Facebook that she was going to see it this week. I quickly asked if I could come along, so we went together last night.

The movie was amazing. Visually it was stunning all the way through. Great music and gorgeous scenery and well set up scenes.

The story was really interesting. The Rama character, Dev, was certainly not pure good guy. As we learn more about the Ravana character, Beera, it seems like he is actually the more honest one. He's crazy, but he's also a sort-of Robin Hood protector to the villagers. It sets up that really Beera has been forced into the position of being a monster because he is poor and low-caste. A lot has to do with perspective and even all the villagers the police interview about him have different things to say. Some say he is evil, others say that he protects them, others say he is talented in poetry. The man playing Beera did it super creepy.

The ending did leave me wondering what happened next, but even so I loved the movie through and through.

My friend who I went with mentioned that the movie got much better reviews in America than in India and we speculated why that was. I thought that perhaps this re-imagining of Sita is too dangerous to a culture built on telling women to be like Sita and follow your husband no matter what, be quiet and loyal. Strong female characters are threatening. Ragini, this Sita character, was strong-willed. However, she was still faithful to her husband, even as she came to understand why Beera behaved as he did. Maybe in her heart she wasn't entirely faithful...

Here is a preview:


And for the long hair lovers like me, Ragini has gorgeous tail-bone length hair!

After you see it, tell me: why and how would anyone build a bridge so high up in the air?

Lonliness and also Caste

Basu asked a few posts ago whether I have any Indian friends and I realized that I don't have very many friends of any kind. Not here, anyway. That is the trouble with moving a lot. I kept trying to fit in somewhere and I moved to five different states when I left home to go to college.

I now live very close to my best friend from home, she is the main reason that I moved to Maryland.

But now I know that I need more. I need other girl friends. My partner in my dance class is probably moving over seas soon and she doesn't seem too interested in hanging out outside of the events we go to.

I do hope to make friends at Chinmaya, but I know it is going to take a while. Many people there have known each other for years, I would guess. I see people come in and greet their friends and smile and talk and sit together and it makes me feel extremely alone.

Recently I've been doing too many things alone. I learned to do that from my traveling around. I show up at these things and people are welcoming, but it takes time to develop real friendship. (I started out going to Hindi meet-up group alone, but once my boyfriend and I started dating, he decided to learn Hindi also, so we go together now and he always comes with me to dance events, etc.)

Today in the BJ's parking lot I saw three African women finishing up their shopping together. They were dressed in African dresses and turbans. It made me think how much easier it must be to wear ethnic clothes and maintain one's culture when you have friends (or sisters as the case might be) to do things with.

Again, I felt terribly lonely. I suddenly understood why it would be so nice to have other people of your own culture around you. I wish there were more like me. Now, thanks to this blog, I know I'm not totally alone. But still, sometimes I feel a bit like The Doctor, the only one of my kind and there is a profound loneliness.

I do plan to stay in this area for the long term, so I hope I can make some good strong friendships here. (And starting that process, one of the commentors on this blog invited the boyfriend and me to dinner with her family. Little did we realize, we live in the same town! I'm really looking forward to that).

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On a completely different note, new discoveries about the caste issue.

I've mentioned before that I feel like one of the real difficulties of Hinduism coming to accept converts is that converts don't have a caste. Even though socially, many have been trying to do away with the caste system for years, it seems to be still very commonly used in terms of what you know about someone. The sort-of social mobility that is built into the American character is not as common in India, from what I understand.

On my last post on this subject, a couple of commenters said the following:

Sriram said...
Actually caste is much maligned subject that has been misused for personal benefit.

The 4th Chapter, 13th verse of the Bhagvad Gita explains it in simple terms. Krishna says that he created the 4 castes. This was used widely by many to spread a half truth. The full line is where he says that he created the 4 castes but the caste of a person is decided by actions and qualities.

If one goes backwards and reads about who the authors of many of the books in Hinduism were, they were not born into the high caste families or blood lines. There are other controversial books but one has to see them contextually than in a generic all encompassing manner.

June 3, 2010 3:03 PM
Anil said...
Yes, I agree.

"Chaturvarnam Maya Shristam Guna Karma Vibhagasah" means according to nature and action people are divided into four classes. Ignorant people have made it by birth.

Also, I happened to read in the FAQs section of the ISKON website:
"In Bhagavad Gita (18.42-44), Sri Krishna clearly states that the Varna (caste) of a person is decided by his activities, not by birth"

Now, of course, this doesn't mean that the issue of caste suddenly vanishes. Even if it was meant to be a measure of our behavior more than our birth, it is still heavily used to judge and categorize people.

Still, it is good to know that this is a social construct and it can be separated from the religion without damaging the religion.

I can understand the idea that we are born into circumstances based on our sanskara, but as I've said before, I cannot accept that this is an excuse to treat people badly or deny them education (or going the other way, to expect more from people who were born Brahmin). It is not our job to judge someone else, it is our job to have compassion. There is no place to say, this person was born untouchable, therefore they must have done something horrible in a past life, therefore they deserve to be treated badly. We do not know what happened in their past life and we don't know for what purpose that person was born into the life they were. The only thing that matters is the present moment, and in this moment we must show kindness to all because they are all our siblings and our parents.

Trying too Hard: a dead give-away

I was watching a favorite TV show called Bones and something happened that made me think of my own life.

There was a character who was very into all things Chinese. (He was also illegally selling Chinese weapons, because it's a mystery show). He kept his ledger in Chinese and wore Chinese clothes, and his home was all decorated Chinese, etc. Well, the police take his ledger and one of them shows it to a Chinese anthropologist. He looks at the book and says, "The man who wrote this isn't Chinese, right?" They ask how he knew and he said that the characters were too carefully formed. The writer was trying too hard and the writing looked forced and stiff, not natural.

Trying too hard.

Now, I don't think that I have this problem with my Hindi. My handwriting isn't great in English and it's not great in Hindi either.

This is a page from my exercises in my Teach Yourself Hindi book :)

But what this TV show really made me think of is that I find myself in a large chasm in-between knowing nothing and knowing as much as someone born and raised in India.

I want to approach everything as an opportunity to learn, but I have to admit that it can be irritating when people assume I don't know anything. It's hard to be quiet and polite when someone is telling me, "Well, you know, Sanskrit is this ancient language and Hindi is closely related to it...blah blah blah." Yeah, I know. I've been exposed to Sanskrit since I was in the womb.

"It's traditional for us to do this..." "We call this thing, this..." I have trouble being talked down to and I don't like feeling like I'm being treated like an idiot. I know they are well meaning and want to help me understand.

And of course, sometimes, I really don't know! There are terms and traditions that I have not come across yet.

So I'm in that frustrating in-between place.

I wonder sometimes if I go too far in showing what I do know. For example, I went to my dance teacher's daughter's anangatrum (graduation ceremony for dance, see now I'm doing it to other people!) and I gave a gift of a murti and an auspicious amount of money.

I vaguely wonder (but I'm not stressed about it or anything) if knowing that a certain number is auspicious is seen as me "fitting in" or as me trying too hard. Does the move look natural or studied?

I find that I'm afraid that if I choose not to do something or follow some tradition, it will be seen as me not knowing about it rather than the regular choice that people make in their religions.

Therefore I follow a lot of things very traditionally just so I won't look ignorant.

(I know, I know, as usual I have to stop wondering what other people are thinking!)

How You Spend a Saturday

The boyfriend and I were just hanging out on my couch and watching old TV episodes when there was a knock on my door.

Two young men were there to talk to me about their new hope church. They were friendly and polite and we chatted about my dog for a moment.

They had a survey to ask people about their beliefs. Maybe some days I would be in the mood to go through that, but this is a sunny, beautiful day and the boyfriend and I are enjoying our time together.

So I told the guys that I was Hindu and not interested in church.

"Oh," one said, undeterred, "That's important for us to know."

"Would you mind telling us about your beliefs?" The other asked.

Again, maybe sometimes I might have the energy for that. But really I don't feel like putting in a lot of effort to explain Hinduism to people who are strongly biased against it.

As friendly as they are, and as much as they like to tell themselves that they are open minded, they aren't. They already know the answer and the only reason they want to hear my beliefs is so they can find ways to tear holes in them.

I'm not much of a debater and these conversations always leave me feeling drained and discouraged and they go back to being the same Christians they were before the discussion and I go back to being the same Hindu I was. No convincing is going to take place here.

The only thing that telling them my beliefs would change is that it would give them knowledge about Hinduism that they could use to develop ammunition to try to convert other Hindus.

I knew a Christian girl in college who encouraged her Christian group to attend a dinner that the Muslim Student Association was holding (they were doing the dinner as a way for people to get to know more about Islam, in a spirit of peace, so we could all get along). This girl told people to go to learn about Islam so that they could learn how to better proselytize them to Christianity. She was a sweet girl, but what a disgusting thing to do!

Watch this incredibly irritating video of two ignorant Christian girls trying to convince their "friend" Saraswati that she's going to hell:



I don't know why Saraswati continued to talk with these girls, but I have no interest in subjecting myself to this kind of thing :)

Two Encounters

Quick second post for today. Two cool things that happened to me this week:

1) I managed to use a tiny smidgen of my Hindi.

I'm always shy to try out my Hindi on Indians. I go into the Indian grocery store and I sometimes overhear the old woman behind the counter speaking Hindi to others in there. When it's my turn, she and I do a lot of smiling and nodding and no speaking at all.

This week I went in to get a few things and I psyched myself up to say "dhanyavad" as I was leaving. And she said "You're welcome."

It wasn't much, but it was a start. :)

2) I had reason to go to 7-Eleven yesterday. I could see through the window that there was an Indian guy working there. (Hello, and welcome if you are reading this blog, sorry I didn't catch your name!). I was tempted to take off my bindi, as I've been wearing it only in places where I don't think I'll encounter Indians. Weird, I know.

But I went in wearing it. He asked if I was from India. I said no and I gave him a card with this website, but he actually seemed completely satisfied with the simple answer that I'm Hindu.

I was comforted. Maybe it doesn't need to be a big deal at all. Why are you wearing a bindi? Because I'm a Hindu. End of story. I like it!

Additional Reflections From the Last Post

A friend made some comments to me about my complaint about the speaker at the dance performance that made me think about some things in a new way.

He pointed out that I am often unhappy at feeling like an outsider at Indian events and how difficult and frustrating that is. The woman may have had a point, although I think she chose a very poor way to express it and could have discussed the advertising possibilities with the director in private.

However, it also made me think that the dance school is not responsible for making her happy. They are there to put on an event of their beloved music and dance and it is not a failing on their part to not consider how to make sure that white people like it or are there.

And that leads back to me. It is not the responsibility of Indians at temples or in my daily life to make sure that I feel comfortable. That is entirely on my own shoulders. No one else should have to alter his life because I want validation!

I had not noticed this mindset in myself until it was pointed out and that is one of the great values of having a blog like this. The flow of ideas and the discussion of lifestyle leads me to important insights.

Thanks, everyone, for reading and for giving opinions!

Dance Performance-the day after

So the dance show went really well. It was a long day, though. The event was five hours, starting with music students and then dance students and some people gave speeches.

I messed up my dance a tiny bit (turned the wrong direction, but it was not very noticeable to the audience). My dance class is just me and one other girl, K. We were the only adult students there, and beginners. It was a little embarrassing. That and my costume was a few sizes too small!

K also declared that we and our guests were the only non-South-Indians there (she's Bengali). She wasn't quite correct.

There was a white woman who made one of the speeches. I wasn't able to hear what she was saying because I was getting changed at the time, but my boyfriend said that she gave an odd talk. He said she basically said that this cultural event was so wonderful and beautiful and they should try harder to share it with the general population and not keep it all Indian.

He found it pretty distasteful and he wasn't the only one. At the very end of the show (after this woman had already left!) one of the organizers said the good-bye speech and the thank yous. He made sure to point out that the last dance was done to a Western song (classical music set to a techno beat). He talked about how previous shows had blended ballet with Bharatnatyam. I think he was hurt by what that woman had said.

I think it was inappropriate too. It's not as though white people are forbidden to go. I was there. My boyfriend was there. It was a free show, anyone who wanted to come could have. That's not the fault of the dance school. Maybe they could have advertised differently, but I'm not sure how. Should they have put a lot of money into advertising to a segment of the American population that is very unlikely to even come?

K and I were talking about it a little at the dress rehearsal. She said something about this dance being unique and that other forms of dance have participants of all races and backgrounds. I said I thought more white people would be doing it if they knew about it, but K didn't think so. She made the point that you would have to know an awful lot about Indian culture and mythology to enjoy Bharatnatyam. It also has a spiritual aspect and I'd hate to see it turn into an exercise craze only, like yoga!

Obviously the woman who gave the speech didn't read the program too closely, or she would have seen my Scottish name :)

Photo in a Sari

As promised, here is a picture of me in a sari. It's a little difficult for me to look at pictures of myself these days, as I've gained a lot of weight in the last few months. Anyway, I'm working on getting back to my normal size (forty pounds lighter!), but it is hard to face evidence like this of how big I've gotten.

So, I'm on my way to my dance performance today. I'm wearing this sari until it's time to change into my dance costume. I'm about to go put on all the dance jewelry.

This is my fanciest sari by far and I love how silky soft it is!



Edited to add: When I got to the dance school my friend, K, asked if I wanted her to "fix it." Apparently my hem was not entirely even and my pleats left something to be desired. She took me to the bathroom and rewrapped me, and I hope I can remember her tips on how to do it. I've been wearing sari based on my memory of my cousin showing me how to do it one time!

Feeling deflated

This was a packed full weekend. On Saturday morning Chinmaya was having a celebration of the birth of Shankara that I went to. Shankara is a sage from around 788 A.D. who revitalized Hinduism and tried to unite it as one thing (advaita), so he is the founder of the smartha branch of Hinduism that I follow. The celebration was at the large temple in the area instead of the Chinmaya center. It was hard to find the group at first, since they were in the lower level auditorium area and not the main temple floor. I wore one of my saris. I love sari and there aren't enough opportunities to wear them!

Sunday morning I went to the Chinmaya service and then I stayed for several hours so I could go to the youth group's discussion in the late afternoon.

The youth group is for people 18-35, but I was the oldest there by a few years. The vast majority of people were younger than my little brother and were in college or just starting college. They also grew up together, knew the same people, and many went to the same college.

A couple of things didn't work out well for me in this group. One is that I feel like I'm at a very different place in life than they are and that they aren't able to understand my perspective, since I have now realized the foolish stubbornness of being 18!

The other thing is that there was another girl there who was new. She was a friend of one of the other girls. She was a Christian Indian. The book we were discussing was talking about being your own person (a good lesson for me!) and I spoke about the need to separate your own desires and dreams from your parents desires for you.

This girl spoke next. She said, "Well, as brown people, we really respect our parents..." She dismissed everything I said and implied that because I'm not "brown" I am a monster who doesn't respect or care about her parents.

Apparently my insight is useless because I'm not Indian. As though I don't know anything about parental pressure!

I was deeply disheartened by that. She is not, and I'm not sure anyone there is, interested in my unique struggles.

I'm going to look into finding an adult discussion group.

************************************************************************

Also on Saturday a friend came over and we discussed Hinduism. I find that I have a hard time explaining many concepts because I have believed them for so long that I'm rusty on the whys.

In essence he asked why we act in the world at all if it is ultimately just an illusion and not meaningful (as stipulated in my post on Good and Evil) (Correct me if I'm wrong about the question, J!)

This life is an illusion, and yet we have to participate in it and play our roles. Why?

I don't have a great answer for this, but I think that people are always going to do something. People will always act. If you were enlightened and you could see that the world was just a game, would you do nothing at all? I doubt it. I think that you'd have fun and do things that made you happy.

What if the things that make you happy are "bad" things (again, there is not really anything bad or good in reality, but there are things that help other souls move toward enlightenment and things that hurt). I would argue that no one actually finds joy from destructive acts. There's another reason behind an act like killing a puppy. A person might think that will make him happy, but I don't believe that it actually does.

An enlightened person gets happiness from helping others quite naturally because he can see that the others are himself. Not to start the whole Christian v.s. Advaita debate again, but my mother used to tell me that Jesus said to love one's neighbor as one's self because the neighbor really is yourself.

Fate is a very slippery concept in Hinduism. Do your actions have effects or does everything happen the way it has to based only on sanskara? Somehow, there is both fate and free will operating together in a very complex web that we will probably never understand. They say that there are certain issues that we will have to face in order for our soul to move forward, but when the problem comes up, if we are present, we have the choice. We can choose something that will move our soul forward or we can rely on a fog of habit.

In reading the Mahabharata, one of the things that you'll notice is that there's always a fate driven explanation for people's actions. For example, Kunti just happens to say to her sons that they must share what they have brought home, not knowing that it is a wife. To not make her a liar, all the brothers marry that one woman. But then Vyasa comes in and says that this woman prayed devoutly in a previous life five times for a husband, so she was fated to have five husbands. It is never clear whether Kunti caused this to happen or if it had to happen and how those two things go together. There are hundreds of examples of this in the Mahabharata.

I don't really have answers. I think is is dangerous to think that you have the answers to things already. If that were the case, I would already be enlightened. I like that Hinduism leaves a lot of things open for one to ponder and wonder about and it might take lifetimes to figure out the truth. The most important thing is to think about it, to keep wondering.

Dance Performance

First, I have a favor to ask. I have been trying to spread this around to every Internet group I have! I want Rosetta Stone to come out with levels 4 and 5 for Hindi, but I've already requested it and I'm just one person. If they get a bunch of requests they might do it. All you have to do is follow the link and put in a request for Hindi levels 4 and 5!
Request Lanaguage

A week from Sunday I have my first dance performance with my new school! I love dance, partly as exercise and partly as a spiritual experience. I guess dance for me is what yoga is for a lot of people.

I dug up some pictures of myself from my previous dance school. This is a classical south Indian style called Bharat Natyam. It tells stories about the gods mostly. You use your hands and face to express the story and your feet keep rhythm. Most of the dance is done in a squat position like a ballet plie (no idea how to spell that, sorry!). You'll see me squatting in these pictures, but not nearly as much as I should be. It's tough on the legs. To emphasize the stamps of the feet, we wear anklets that are covered in bells. The squat looks particularly nice with the costume, where you see the layers of fans going down the front.





And here are some YouTube examples of other people doing Bharatnatyam (i.e., people much better than me!)




One of the spectacular things about this dance is that it involves every part of the body. Where your eyes are looking is very important. The eyes follow the hands usually. There is a saying that goes, "Where the hands go, the eyes go; where the eyes go, the mind goes; where the mind goes, the heart goes. There love arises."

Why I'm thinking about children

Several of my posts have been about the ways in which I want to pass Hinduism to my own children. Thinking about children is a new thing for me. There was a while where I thought I wouldn't have any because of the desires of the man I was with at the time. Suddenly that biological clock that people talk about has kicked in. There have been a few things that have happened to trigger it, but one in particular...

I have never been good at making friends. I lack the ability to small talk and I end up starting such serious conversations that only a few people become close. I am still friends with my two childhood friends and in college I added one more. Her name was Ilana and she was in two of my classes my freshman year. We got along fantastically right from the start. We had such similar thoughts on everything. She really understood me. She was talkative and passionate about life and she had plans. She wanted children more than anyone I have ever met. She talked to the campus Rabbi about issues of children long before she was married. She told me how she had longed to be a mother from the time she was a toddler. When her sister was born, she thought the baby was a gift to her.

Ilana had patience. As hard as it was, she waited to finish college, to marry her college sweetheart (the first guy she ever kissed), to get settled into her job as a biology teacher, and to buy a house (well, a condo, the economy being what it is). We continued to talk on the phone and visit with each other. When I told her that I wasn't sure I wanted kids, she said, "But who will look after you in your old age?" I said, "Your kids will!"

Ilana always gave me great advice and I depended on her to give me helpful feedback on every kind of issue I might have. There was nothing we didn't talk about.

This past summer Ilana was finally ready to start trying to get pregnant. She was so excited. I called her in late winter and she told me that she was three weeks pregnant, but not to tell anyone. She was waiting to share the news until she was sure the pregnancy would stick and past the point of frequent miscarriages.

A week later she was killed in a car crash.

One of the very intense emotions that came over me was a very strong desire to have children because she couldn't. It felt as though as she was dying she passed on to me that craving for a baby. I hated that she had been so careful and waited for life to be just right before getting pregnant. Even if she had to die, I wish that she had left behind a child of her own. I know it's crazy to wish there was a child without a mother, but I know Ilana's family, friends, and husband would take such good care of it.

These feelings have made it extremely difficult for me to wait to have children. However, I know that there are things that need to be in place first (though if you wait for the timing to be too perfect, then you never start). In order to give myself patience and help me to wait, I started putting together a Hope Chest of sorts.

I have a plastic box and I'm gathering baby items to put into it. I'm also collecting books and toys for children that I want mine to have. That includes several Hindi books, some picture books about Indian festivals, some DVDs about Krishna and Rama, and some things I've been knitting.

My favorite toys I found so far are linked to in my Chinmaya post. Also, I had a hard time finding Hindi nursery rhymes and songs on CD. Finally found this: Nursery Rhymes It is really high quality and many tracks. I'm listening to it now!

Another thing I found was a set of computer games for toddlers and young children to play games to learn Hindi. Those were at www.matrubhasha.com There are some problems with some of the games, but I'm still happy with them.

So, that's just so you understand where I am in life and what I'm thinking about, because those thoughts are influencing the blog. I promise to very soon do a post on women and Hinduism, as Basu requested!

Family

I love my extended family very much. I'm lucky that there is no one in my entire family that I dislike. I'm always excited to spend time with them all.

This weekend my boyfriend and I are in North Carolina, celebrating my brother graduating from college.

I was thinking about having a confrontation with my mom and my dad's extended family here about the Hindu stuff by wearing a bindi, but I called to ask my brother how he felt about it and he asked if I could please not cause drama over his graduation weekend. So that idea is post poned.

I did talk to my dad about it briefly a week or so ago. He accknowledged that he hasn't seen me as a Christian in years, but he still thought of me as an Advaitan. I told him that I am an Advaitan. Advaita is a branch of Hinduism. He's concerned that I'm being too narrowly focused and I need to see the Advaita within Christianity. I just can't do it anymore. I know it's there, but it is burried so deep that I don't see why I shouldn't just follow a religion that has Advaita (non-duality) right on the surface. I know that he doesn't want to deal with his mother finding out about all this. I told him it's going to have to happen at some point (in my mind knowing that that point will probably be when my boyfriend and I decide to get married).

Yesterday I had some alone time with one of my dad's sisters. She is one of my favorite people in the world and someone I really aspire to be like. I realized that I almost never interact with my dad's family without a filter from my mom. She is always there at the same time, and telling me not to say certain things and not to rock the boat. When I was talking to my aunt alone I discovered that some of the things mom has been insistent that I shouldn't talk about, she actually doesn't have a problem with.

I was tremendously tempted to tell my aunt right then and there about my religion. I converted almost seven years ago now and my extended family doesn't know. But I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I'm afraid that it will hurt her and confuse her. This is an area where it is pretty hard to imagine someone being not Christian. In fact, I was talking to my brother's Jewish girlfriend about it and she said when she was growing up here, kids at school didn't know what Hannukah was and asked her if her people were "the ones who killed Jesus." There just isn't much diversity. My family here is quietly and happily Lutheran and I don't know if they've given it much thought.

I decided that I need a reason to bring up this topic with my family and also I promised my brother not to cause trouble during his time. So, my boyfriend and I agreed that when we get engaged, we'll make a trip to North Carolina without my parents and talk to my family here about my conversion and the fact that the wedding will be mostly Hindu (though not completely).

It pains me a lot to think of the years that I might have talked honestly with my beloved aunts and I didn't have that chance because of my mother's fears about what they might think.

Yoga Documentary

I was watching a documentary called "Enlighten Up" on instant Netflix the other day. It was an interesting thing to watch, particularly in the second half.

The premise was that a woman who makes documentary films happens to love doing yoga (physical poses, the norm in the west). She wants to see if it has transformative effects on everyone, so she picks a subject, a man with no yoga experience, and has him try out a bunch of different schools.

Interviewing different yoga teachers brings to light that there is a lack of knowledge about the real history of yoga. The different teachers disagree on how old it is and what it means. Some schools are all about the physical aspects, others try to capture a spirituality with it. One scholar argues that yoga as we know it today is only a couple hundred years old (That is, Yoga as it is seen in the West, not its historic path to God, as Dhurga points out in the comments). Another argues that in remote parts of India yogis are seen as sorcerers and have connections to dark magic.

The woman making the film gets really frustrated with her subject, who continues to be unmoved by the spiritual side of yoga. He enjoys the exercise, but remains skeptical that there is anything more to it. Strangely, this makes the film maker angry. So, it's not exactly an unbiased, scientific look.

In the second half they travel to India and after more lack of spiritual understanding, the woman takes him to ashrams to experience "bhakti yoga." Now, this to me was going away from the subject of the film. This is not what people in the west think of as yoga. Yes, in India, yoga means discipline and it covers a very wide variety of activities. Bhakti yoga is devotional worship. It is unrelated to the physical poses of hatha yoga. I think the filmmaker should have stuck with her point.

I've had trouble with yoga in the past. People tend to assume that I'm into it because I do all these "Indian things." Yoga as practiced in the west doesn't seem at all related to Indian spirituality. The teachers who do try to connect it by chanting "Om" a lot do nothing but annoy me. I don't see that physical yoga has any connection to its spiritual origins anymore and it goes back to my lack of trust. I don't want to put my spiritual development in the hands of someone whose only qualification is that she teaches yoga classes.

On the other hand, if I found a teacher who didn't chant during the class, I might really enjoy yoga for the benefits of getting me into better shape and more flexible and resilient in my body.

Chinmaya

I am not sure that I can stick with the twice a week thing. I like to just write when I'm inspired. I'd love feedback from all of you on which you would prefer. One friend has mentioned that you can sign up with the RSS feed to get all postings as emails.
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It is true that I have been longing for a community for a long time. I've moved around a lot and I haven't been able to settle in anywhere until now. If any of you are Dr. Who fans, I feel rather like the Doctor in The Waters Of Mars, when he's starting to get a little crazy from being the only one like him. It's not a good idea to practice Hinduism without any guidance, going only on your own memory and maybe some reading. In many cases, one would have a guru who is more advanced to teach and help along the path. I have been lacking that.

But I think I have found the solution.

I've talked before about the organization I grew up in. It had been known at that time as The Philosophy School. The leader of the school would go to India every few years and speak with the guru, one of the Chankaracharyas (teachers of Shankara). The Vedantic philosophy was brought to us, but all the social customs were British (the school was founded in England). We would gather for class with a tutor and ten or so other people once a week, and on Saturday mornings we would have a work party, where people would gather to do work around the house the organization owned. Once advanced enough, people would also have a night of the week to be a tutor. Also, we went on frequent weekend retreats, and over the summer week retreats.

This past weekend, on Saturday, I went to the local Chinmaya mission building for SEVA day, which I read about on their web page http://www.chinmayadc.org/. It is a yearly celebration of the founder's birthday and the day starts with service around the building. After that there is a puja, singing of bhajans (hymns), and prasad (eating of food that has been blessed).

I got there half an hour early, but people were already there and working. I volunteered myself and was first instructed to have lunch. I was brought to the kitchen part of the building and seated next to the Swami-ji (the leader). A swirl of ladies served a full South Indian meal and I ate with the Swami-ji and a bunch of children. (South Indian food is an acquired taste, which I do not have. The food in Indian restaurants in America is North Indian because that's what American tastes can handle. I was an extremely picky eater as a child and only started eating even the North Indian food a few years ago. I struggled through the meal I am sorry to say).

Then I set off for the garage and helped take everything out, sweep and wash the floor, build shelves, and reorganize things to go back in. I chatted with people and for most of the work I was paired with a lovely young woman who seemed about my age (although she, unlike me, is married and has two children). Everyone was friendly and welcoming and they teased me about coming for the work when they found out it was my first time there. It felt exactly like a work party and it made me ache for missing Philosophy School. Yet, it was a good ache, because I knew that I had found my Philosophy School.

My Dad joined the Philosophy School when he was just a year or two younger than I am now. I wonder what it felt like to him to discover it. I know that I felt like I was coming home. I called my Dad when I was driving home and told him that I had found Philosophy School for Indian people.

Almost everyone there was Indian, I saw only two other non-Indians. When I was growing up there were no Indians in Philosophy School and no other minorities either, it was pretty much all white. That is no longer the case, but it is still mostly white. (My parents, who I think obsess about offending people, have told me that they think it is offensive for me to call myself white. I guess they think it looks like I'm setting myself apart. As much as I'd like to fit in, I don't. I am very pale. My parents think that I should be careful about pointing that out because of sensitivities in India over skin color and the preference for light skin. They think I should call myself simply a westerner, but that seems at least equally offensive to me. It seems to me that to distinguish myself from people of Indian descent by saying that I am a westerner is to imply that the kids who grew up here in America and in Britain are not. It would be like saying that they are less American than I am because they have darker skin, even though our ancestors arrived in America around the same time. This is not at all, by the way, a criticism of the Western Hindu blog. I think he is very clear about how he is using that word and it is not to divide. However, for me, the thing that makes me feel like I stick out and I can't belong is only my skin, not the place of my birth. I guess I just have to call myself a non-Indian. Although, I'm sure my parents will think of a reason why that's offensive).

Everyone I met at Chinmaya was delighted to see me. I learned about their structure. It seems that there are weekend lectures about Vedanta (philosophy) from the Swami-ji and then there are study groups during the week where people gather in groups of around ten to discuss. I also met one of the leaders of the youth group who I had been emailing with. The youth group is very active and involved and three or four of them were there at SEVA. They were all much younger than I am, but they expressed excitement to have me join.

I also discovered that they have very organized children's programs that lead up through the grades to the youth group and then to adult members. The kids have a sort-of Sunday school during the weekend lectures and they learn language, culture, and values.

I am so delighted to have found this. As I have been lately thinking a lot about having children and I have worried a little bit about how to raise them with my values and the things I had growing up when I don't have Philosophy School to send them to. (Also, my boyfriend isn't crazy about some of the Philosophy School teachings and policies and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't allow our kids to go there anyway!). Chinmaya is the perfect place for our future children to learn culture and values along with other kids and families.

When I mentioned this to my Dad on the phone, he said my kids will really stick out and be different. I think it will take a while for the little ones to notice that my children have lighter skin. By the time they start processing the differences, they will already be friends.

The Chinmaya program is wrapping up for the summer, so I'm going to go to the lecture next weekend and then in the fall I can sign up.
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There was a request a while ago to talk about pronunciation of the Indian words I use, so I'll have to write about that soon. I'll also talk about the differences between Sanskrit and Hindi and some of the many other Indian languages.

I'll be going back and updating my first Hindi post with more web links and resources. I want to keep all of that in one place. I have found that there isn't a centralized place to find all the available products and programs for Hindi learning and I want to create such a place even if it's just for my own reference.

Oh, and check out these great toys I found:

Desi Doll
Avatar Puzzle
Chota Chef
Hindi Alphabet Blocks

Oh, and I find it rather hilarious that the ad currently displaying beneath my posts is for scientology! Now there are some people who think they already have the answers. Not sure how my blog attracted that ad, but it makes me laugh every time I see it.

Having the Answer

Am I desperate to prove that I know what I'm talking about? Am I desperate to prove to the world that I am a real Hindu? Whose approval am I seeking?

I was reminded by a reader this morning that it is dangerous to fall into the trap of thinking I already "know it all." A wise man says that he knows nothing and is always open to a new experience and a new understanding. Once we believe that we have the answer, then what is the reason for life anymore? How can we grow or learn if we think we already have the answer?

The audience of this blog is an interesting mix, it seems, of born Hindus either in India or of Indian descent and westerners who are interested in knowing more about Hinduism. I don't know exactly what my message is to either one of these groups. I think this blog is an explanation for my life. So that if someone on the street asks me why I am the way I am, I can point to this for answer.

Sometimes I am exhausted from explaining myself. Some things I don't know. I don't know why I long so much for a label, a community, and a place to belong. But I do think those are very human urgings. Why have I turned to India to satisfy those urges instead of something closer to me? I don't know. I'm hanging onto the only thread of culture I was given.

As usual, the issue cycles back around to approval. Who am I trying to please? The following story was posted on Western Hindu's blog and really speaks to that problem:

"A young man, returning home from French school with many diplomas, thought he knew everything. His father said, “My son, come with me. I’ll teach you about life.”

So they bought a donkey and both got on to ride. As they approach a village, they saw a crowd gathering. “Those two heartless riders are going to crush that poor beast of burden.”

“Hear that, son?” asked the father. When they had left the village, he got off and pulled the donkey by the reins, with his son still on it.

At a second village, they heard murmurs. “What a rude little boy … why won’t he let his poor old father ride?” So the son climbed down and his father got on.

At a third village, a fat woman blocked their path, yelling, “Lazy old man! How dare you force a little boy to walk in the burning sun?” So the father got off, and he walked with his son alongside the donkey.

At the last village, they were met with whispers. “Are these two crazy or what? They’re walking alongside a perfectly strong animal!”

A little farther on, they stopped in the shade of a big tree. The father says, “Well, my son, have you been paying attention? People will always have something to say about what we do. But do what you must. That’s life.”


TECHNICAL
I have been posting every day lately. I think that might be too overwhelming for people to keep up with. I am considering having set days for my posts. Every Monday and Thursday, for example. I think that might make it easier for you all as readers to know when to show up here for new musings.

Also, later today I plan to add a picture to this post. I thought you all might like to see what I typically look like.

Okay, here is the promised picture:

Westeners choosing different paths

I've been reading through the back posts at Western Hindu (see link in the side bar). It's very interesting because he is someone who has taken a slightly different approach to mine.

He started learning about Hinduism in part from Chinmaya, a Smarta organization, but decided to follow the Himalayan Academy instead. They follow Shaivism and I've talked about them before. They are the people behind Hinduism Today and the ones who actually have a conversion ritual for those who wish to join Hinduism. I respect them a great deal, but their philosophy is too devotional for me. It seems that the man at Western Hindu felt the opposite. That he respected Smarta, but it was not devotional enough. He writes:

"Firstly the course expounds the position of Immaterialistic Advaita Vedānta. According to this philosophy the only ultimate reality of God (or of anything) is the impersonal Brahman. They claim that the Great Gods Śiva, Viṣṇu, and Brahmā are only a deeper level of illusion, beyond the māyā of the material universe...Naturally there are some people for whom seeking God in the immaterial is the correct path, but for me bhakti or devotion to Shiva is central."

I would agree with some of that and disagree with some. First, yes, in Advaita Vedanta, the various gods are all part of the hierarchy that is only present in illusion. In reality there is only one, and we do call it Brahman, but the name is not what is important. You could call the ultimate reality Shiva if you wanted to, or Bob.

To say that Advaita is "impersonal" seems very odd to me. Yes, you don't have a "personal relationship with Shiva" (or Jesus, since that's a phrase evangelical Christians use a lot). But you don't have to because God is not some being far above you that you need to become friends with. God is inside you. God IS you. It doesn't get more personal than that.

In other of his posts I was startled to find that he makes the argument that if it were Hinduism that had spread like wildfire over the Western world, there would have been no Inquisition or other violence because Hinduism is a tolerant religion.

This seems very naive to me. On paper, Hinduism is a tolerant religion, but so is Christianity. People don't need much excuse for violence and Hinduism does include a warrior caste. There is also strong support in its scriptures for the idea of a holy war.

Sadly, Hindus have participated in bloody riots and massacres against people of different religions into the present day. Like most religions, Hinduism does have an extremist branch. Western Hindu might argue that they are misunderstanding the religion and their behavior cannot define the vast numbers of peaceful Hindus. I tend to agree, except he did criticize Christianity for saying things like “No Christian would ever do this, that or the other. The Christian Terrorists are not true Christians. The Branch Davidian [are] not true Christians. The Catholics, Westboro Baptists or whoever that you don’t agree with are not true Christians." So, I don't think we can distance ourselves from Hindu extremism for the same reason.

Some points he make that I really like are about the gross misunderstandings that Westerners tend to have about what Hinduism is about. For example, he writes:

"The average Westerner knows very little about Hinduism, especially the underlying philosophies and beliefs. They will have heard about things like the Kama Sutra and sacrificing animals to Kali and believe that these are mainstream tenets of Hinduism , because this is what the media often portrays. This a natural affect of the coverage, many people in the UK think that a US policeman will shoot a criminal at least once a week because of what they see on crime dramas, whereas I have read that it is actually a very rare occurrence.

Also “strange TV” sells, so we have seen things like a recent tv program that shown Hindu Sadhus hanging large rocks from their penises. Many people have no idea that this is alien to the average Hindu! There have been programs showing Christians handling poisonous snakes, whipping themselves until they are covered with blood, and shouting in “tongues” at scared children they believe to be possessed, but people in the West have the background knowledge to know that this does not go on in most local churches.

The end result is that many people think they know about Hinduism when what they actually know is either a marginal practice carried out by a handful of people, or is wrong. Some have such an ingrained opinion that they will even argue when they are corrected.

Also, I wanted to show that Hinduism is often seen as fair game by people who want to ridicule it, even though they won’t ridicule Christianity or Islam. This often happens because the backlash if Christians boycotted them would hurt economically, and that Muslims are perceived as a threat – though of course they suffer from the problem that minority activities are perceived as mainstream by the public too. Can you imagine someone bringing out a film called “the Love Pope” or “The Love Imam”?"

All in all, a very interesting read and I look forward to continuing to learn from his journey.

Basu brought up in a comment on the last post that there are concepts of hell in Hinduism. That is true. I was simplifying a bit when I said that there weren't. There are multiple hells and heavens in Hindu mythology, but what makes them different from the Christian idea is that these hells and heavens are temporary. Some believe that after life a soul goes to one of these to work through some of their sanskara, good or bad, before returning to be reincarnated in the world. This makes a lot more sense to me than the Christian definition and I'll turn again to the Western Hindu to explain why:

"I think that the idea of eternal hell can only make sense to people who have no concept of vastness or infinity. Even a lifetime of a century is a fleeting instant from this perspective. Judging for eternity on the basis of a single life would be like releasing mice in the middle of a room and looking at the direction of the very first step they took. Those that stepped right would be given rewards for the rest of their life. Those that stepped forwards, left or backwards would be taken and tortured for the rest of their lives."

Could not possibly have said that better myself.

One last topic for today. Yesterday we went to my boyfriend's niece's Catholic baptism. It was a bit of an odd and uncomfortable experience. I didn't want to draw attention or be contrary on a day devoted to the lovely little baby, so I wore Western dress (unusual for me these days) and I picked a decorative bindi so that it would look more like jewelry and less like a statement. No one commented on that, so I think it worked.

I was surprised that the Priest made blanket assumptions about all the people at the church. I guess that's just part of the ritual, but he had the friends and family chanting the Lord's Prayer and "reconfirming your own baptism." Why would he think we were all baptized to begin with? (I was as a baby, but that is beside the point!). We were supposed to state "I agree" to statements like "The lord Jesus is my savior" and such. I was in the front row and tried to keep my face forward so no one in his family would see that I wasn't saying any of the prayers or the agreements.

That kind of thing really makes me want to be argumentative and point out that I'm not Christian and I'm just there to support my boyfriend's wonderful and welcoming family. But I was good. I didn't say anything. Basically just for the sake of my boyfriend's sister, for whom I care very much.

My good name

I don't know if anyone noticed that one of the commenters mentioned that the name he signed was his "pet" name. It is my understanding that in India people have two names, a "good" name that is the full name that gets used on official documents, and a "pet" name, which is like a nickname, though not necessarily related to the person's good name.

A new reader came over here from the www.ispeakhindi.com message boards and was confused because there my name is Carolyn and here is it Aamba.

The reason for that is that my real name is Carolyn. I have never had a nickname and I use my real name to sign up for everything because I don't have another one. When I first started this blog it was important to me to be anonymous and that is why I selected an Indian name (it isn't chosen randomly, there is a post about why this name).

My immediate family does not know about this blog. A few years ago I had one like it on Livejournal, except it was about more than just my religion, it was about my hobbies and my life in general. When my mom found out about it she asked me to remove it, saying that it was offensive. She's very private and she does not understand my drive to tell people all about my thoughts and feelings and life, to share with everyone and find common ground.

The reason I started again was not to defy my mom. Last year she noticed this trend among books that a lot of people were publishing books based on blogs where they explored a topic for a year. She said I should write a blog about being a white Hindu and get a book deal out of it. It was another one of those parallel universe moments. "Weren't you the one who told me not to do that?" I think what's happened is that my parents have finally realized that this is not a game to me. There was a turning point when I was on the phone with my dad a couple of summers ago and he said, "But you're not really a Hindu, you don't do the rituals and pujas and such." I told him, "Yes, I do. You've been to my home, you've seen my shrine." He paused and said, "Well, maybe you are a Hindu."

Still, I have not told them about this blog. I want to be able to say things honestly without worrying about upsetting them. I don't want my thoughts or feelings to "reflect badly on the family."

It was a big step for me to link this blog to my Facebook and other online profiles, to admit that this is me.

So, through this blog, I have gotten my "pet" name of Aamba. No one in my life calls me that, it is only here.

People similar to me

[EDITED: I just realized that the title of this post could be taken a way I totally didn't mean...changing it now! Great example of how learning another language is a really difficult experience. Saying "People like me" could mean what the title now says or it could mean "You like me, you really like me" and the difference is in tone only, even though English is not a tonal language. Argh!)

I was doing some Internet searches and I came across much more encouraging things than I have in the past.

On one webpage, a man asks, "How are whites received by the Hindu community? My instinct tells me that I'd be met with some xenophobia and seen as an outsider and an oddity; something of a wanna-be."

The responses are very encouraging, telling him that it is common to see white people at temples now. (I've never seen that, but I've been too shy to go all that often).

I haven't read through it yet, but I also found a blog http://western-hindu.org/ about someone who is a westerner and a convert to Hinduism.

Another blog I found that I'm really enjoying is about a Dominican woman who converted to Orthodox Judaism. Reading through her posts, it's remarkable how much converts have in common, regardless of the religion they are moving to. A couple of things that were very familiar were when she talked about how she felt her soul had always been Jewish and that when she learned about how God was viewed in Judaism it matched exactly the belief she already had in her heart. Her struggles to be accepted in a tight-knit group of people who are a different ethnicity from her are very inspiring. http://www.alizahausman.net/

I haven't been back to the temple since Ram Navami, but I feel so encouraged by the recent things I've found that I'm going to go back soon. I'm also thinking about signing up for some of the programs offered by Chinmaya Mission. They are a world-wide organization with a reputation for being welcoming of all Hindus.

I've been so worried about coming across, as the man above said, like a "wanna-be", but I have to learn to accept that I can't control how others will view me. It really is okay if people think I'm doing this because it's exotic or cool, I know my own reasons and that is all that matters.