Satish made a great point on my last post that sometimes clothes are just about what's easiest. When you have a hectic life, you might not be putting much thought or effort into what you're wearing and I hadn't even thought about that.
I also forget how hard it is to look different from the norm around you. I always have and I'm not sure why. Even before I got involved with Indian culture, I always looked different, even when I was trying to fit in. It used to upset me a lot, when I was a kid in middle school. I had a boyfriend who taught me to just dress and look how I want, in a way that makes sense to me, and ignore stares. Not everyone has that.
I think clothes are an interesting thing. They are, to me, always a costume. I'm not sure how I would dress if I was not trying to portray myself in a particular way.
My new way of looking at prayer is slow going. I have a problem with wanting to be in control of everything all the time. I'm guilty of seeing prayer as something that I can use to force the world to do what I want! I need to learn how to surrender to the universe and really do it, not just pretend to surrender to get what I want. I feel like if I want something badly enough it will come to fruition, but I'm making my self sick wanting things so much.
Perhaps my ambivelence about what happens is a way to safe-guard myself against feeling disappointed when things don't go the way I am trying to make them go.
I want to be at peace with whatever happens, but I need to also still want things and express those wants in a healthy way (I think they are expressed in unhealthy ways currently). So, still working on that!
Hindi is not happening at all right now, as I'm exhausted and overwhelmed by so many other things, but I'm starting a formal class on the 20th, so then I'll be back to learning with full force.
What else do you want to know about? Ask me about my life and I'll happily tell you... :)