Still uncertain about whether I'll be able to go to India this summer.
I don't have the money, so I've asked my parents and they have some concerns. They're afraid that over the summer will be too hot and maybe during monsoon and too difficult for me to deal with.
They worry that I know no one there and I will be traveling alone.
They worry that I'll just be helping out at an orphanage and not get to see India and what a shame it would be to go all that way and not see the big sites.
Personally, I don't care that much about the big sites. The group I'm interested in going with does offer a trip that includes site seeing, but it's all Islamic sites. Sure, the Taj Mahal must be worth seeing, it is a wonder of the world, but I won't be upset not to see it. I'm not much of a museum goer and I don't have a checklist of places I have to see. I just want to experience India. I just want to be there.
My family does not seem to be able to understand that desire.
I am interested in everyday lives. I don't care about being a tourist, I just want to experience life.
For some reason I want this trip very, very badly and I can't entirely put into words why. Going to India is something I've wanted for years, but I kept it on the back burner of my mind, figuring an opportunity would present itself eventually. It's always so hard to have both the time and the money at the same point. Now an opportunity has come up and the desire sprung up from the back of my mind and now I can hardly think about anything else I want it so badly.
I feel like a fraud because I've never been to India. How can I participate in Indian culture and religion when the only access I have to it is through Indians living in America?
On the other hand, I do need to learn patience. When an idea comes to me of something I want to do, I pursue it relentlessly until it happens. I'm not good at letting this one go and wait for a while longer.
My parents also think that a few years from now might be better, particularly since I would have to squeeze the trip in between classes for my paralegal certificate.
I feel guilty because I know I don't deserve this trip, I don't have a right to it, and I'm over-privileged as it is. My parents have done more for me than most would.
But I can't help wanting it.
These two drives are tearing me, one direction is my desire to go to India and the other direction is feeling that I haven't earned it. I feel trapped.
Letting go of desire is an important part of Hinduism and I might have to start practicing it!
Things are still up in the air now as my parents talk to their Indian friends to get their opinions. So far the two we spoke to said I should wait until school is over and I should go with someone I know for protection. The only reason I don't want to wait for school to be over is that as soon as it ends, I will be starting at a full time job and it will take years to save up enough vacation time to make a trip to India reasonable. As for protection, I trust that the organization I go with will keep me safe and provide me with other people to do things with.