Struggling with Envy

Is there any way to make that negative quality into a good one? :)

Recently my boyfriend and I were talking about fatal flaws, as in which of the Christian seven deadly sins is in the forefront for each of us. It did not take but thirty seconds for me to realize that mine is envy.

I struggle with it every day.

I love other people and want other people to be happy, but the envy still comes. I wish I could figure out how to stop it. Or at least, at this point, reframe it when I notice the thoughts in my mind.

So many times a day envy creeps in. Today, for example...

1) Pick up a new writer's magazine and there's an article about the young man who wrote the Eragon dragon series of books. First one was self-published when he was 17 and ten years later he's never had to have a job doing anything but writing those books. They're wildly popular. Stab of envy. I want that.


2) Facebook always kills me. That's an every day problem but I can't stop looking! People's pictures of weddings and babies and announcements of engagements. Stab of envy. I have no patience to wait for my life to catch up with theirs (and hey, it's not all just my impatience: I am the last single one of my girl friends, so I'm not exactly imagining things).

3) Seeing praise for another writer on a message board where I'm usually the only one. Heaping praise on new girl (who is a good writer) and anxiously asking her for more stories. I want to be supportive of the newbie. I like her a lot, but... Stab of envy. What about my stories? Doesn't anyone want more of mine?


4) On message board for authors and reading threads about people who have successfully quit their jobs from money earned on short stories. I'm writing the same style of short stories. I've made about $1.50 on them. One person mentioned having hundreds of downloads within days of first starting to put stories on Kindle so I asked her for advice about marketing these types of stories. Followed her advice to the letter. Got no sales. Stab of envy. Even though my job is nice, it would really help to not feel tied to it.


I sound so freaking pathetic. I absolutely hate to admit to these petty and mean-spirited feelings. But they happen at that gut level before I can logic them away.

What script do you think I could use to replace these thoughts when I notice them? Make me feel like I'm not alone, what's your deadly sin/fatal flaw?

[Interesting to me to notice as I write these out that so many of them are connected to my professional life. That, at least, is a clue to me of where my energy and attention might be needed and the fact that I am spending most of my time and energy on developing my writing career says to me that I'm doing well following my heart]

ETA: Oh, and also, for the record, I've been doing "count your blessings"/gratitude exercises for the last twenty days or so and really enjoying that, but it hasn't ended my envy. Not yet, anyway.

Astrology

Speaking of the Atman providing, my new boyfriend is an astrologer.

I thought that was pretty funny, since that's the one side of Hinduism that I am not at all familiar with. Astrology was not at all a part of my upbringing and I know almost nothing about it.

A few months ago I started thinking about it more because I met a friend who was very into it and she described being skeptical at first, but then wanting to look at the evidence and not make assumptions about something she didn't know about. That was twenty years ago and now she is very dedicated to it.

Shortly after that I began dating the man I'm seeing now and I started hearing a whole lot more about astrology.

It's an interesting opportunity for me to learn. I'm going to be examining the ways in which his astrology compares to Hindu astrology.

There's been some interesting moments that have made me want to learn more. For example, over winter I briefly dated a young man who reminded me extremely strongly of an ex. I couldn't pinpoint why, but there was something about his approach to life that made me feel the exact same "vibe" about him as the ex. Later I suddenly realized that those men were born only days apart. Both had the same astrological sign. I thought that was fascinating!

The Atman Provides

My mom always says that. "The Atman provides." What she means is that the universe is good at filling needs and often when you have a lack, something that leads towards what you need will appear.

Not always, so I wonder what it is that makes the difference. Perhaps it is being open and receptive to receive?

A good example is what happened with my bed.

For the last three years I've had a small twin bed from Ikea and it has served me well. I'm very fond of it. But one of them men I was seeing a few months ago complained that my bed was far too small and suggested that I ought to have a "grownup" bed.

I decided he was right. I did need a grownup bed. I put that in my mind as something that I should look into at some point, but I didn't take any active steps towards it. I didn't really want to pay for a new bed!

The next month a friend at work announced that she was moving to NYC and leaving most of her furniture behind to go to Goodwill. I asked what she was doing with her bed. It was not spoken for.

She gave me the bed completely free. It is a full size bed and mattress and its white iron work fits the decor of my bedroom completely perfectly.

The universe provided.

I find this sort of thing happens a lot! Have you ever observed this phenomenon?

New Blog

A comment was just left by a writer at a blog called Mom with a Dot. Sounds like great reading material for this audience, right? :)

http://momwithadot.blogspot.com/

I look forward to reading the archives and maybe getting some more ideas about how I can plan to raise my future children with a healthy American style Hinduism.

Good and Bad Qualities -Different Sides of the Same Coin?

Here is something that I observed recently.

Patience is often considered a virtue. My boyfriend has a lot of it (one of his many great qualities). I have almost none of it.

For a long time I've seen my lack of patience as a fault, but now I'm starting to see that both patience and lack of patience have benefits and both have drawbacks.

It is because of his patience that my boyfriend is able to remain calm through difficult situations and take steady, well planned steps into the future. But because he has patience he also weighs and measures what he's going to do slowly and carefully, perhaps wasting time or opportunity.

It is because of my lack of patience that I am able to improve myself and my life so rapidly. As soon as I want to try something, change something, do something new, I am acting on that impulse within a few hours. Once I have a thought, that thought becomes a plan before the day is over.

So, I don't miss out on opportunity and am able to improve my life quickly. And I think the downsides to a lack of patience are well known! I sometimes have a manic quality because I want to do everything and do it right now. I have trouble with impulse control and delaying gratification (studies have shown that children who are able to delay gratification grow into more stable and happy adults). Also, I might leap into things I'm not ready for or that turn out to be a mistake because I didn't consider carefully.

What other virtues or faults do you think encompass both a good side and a bad side?

Ambaa Hinduism

Recently this comment was left on one of my posts...

The problem with Hinduism is that it has been very Indian in it character. Here I mean that Hinduism is often associated with India. We have to understand that Hinduism which is practised in Indonesia, Malaysia, and Cambodia is not exactly same as the one which in followed in India. There they have developed their own ways and methods of practising and developing Hinduism. The White Hindus living in North America and Europe have got an opportunity to develop their own forms of Hinduism. They can and should link Hindu ideas and ways with their own culture and surroundings. They should not be dependent on Indian Hindus to guide them what Hinduism is or not. Instead them they should make their own Hinduism, let's say, American Hinduism or French Hinduism. For me, Hinduism is an individual journey. I don't need others to tell what to do or what not to do. I can explore it on my own. Bhavya Ketan 

It got me thinking that really a religion is so very individual. I don't mean whether or not it's a more community oriented culture or not, but rather that we each process and understand the world around us differently.  Even believing exactly the same guru, being in the same lineage, I will understand the teachings slightly differently from how you will.

There's no such thing as "Indian Hinduism" because there's as many different Hinduisms as there are individuals.

Over the years of writing this blog I have become more and more secure in myself and my practices. I am very comfortable with my place as a Hindu in this world. I no longer feel that I need anyone's permission to practice it.

I also practice it in my own ways. I leave out rituals that don't have meaning for me. I am confident that my practices are leading me on the path towards enlightenment.

I recognize that my path is unlike any one else's path. My religion is filtered through me and will always have my own unique take on it.

It really is true, I think. No one person's Hinduism is going to look exactly like another's.

The Connotation of Hippies

For the past couple of weeks I've been struggling with a cold. It eventually morphed into a sinus infection and I went looking for a doctor. I am terrible about seeing doctors regularly and I never pick a new primary care doctor until I actually really need something. As usual,I had changed insurance companies about a year ago and never updated any doctor information.

Long story short, I went on the insurance website and picked a new doctor based on the fact that she was close to me. I also noticed that her name was Indian and her profile said she spoke Hindi. Not that there's any shortage of potential Indian doctors to visit.

It was a tiny practice and I sat for a long time in the waiting room while the nurses tried to sort out my insurance information. A Christian rock station was playing in the background, and most of you know how much that grates on me. But I remained peaceful and didn't let it get to me.

The doctor herself was a delightful little middle aged woman. She was sharp and fun to talk to. When she asked me about what medical care I had recently, I told her that I went to see a doctor and got everything up to date in February 2010 for my trip to India (Can you believe my trip to India was more than a year ago now? I can't!)

She was very excited to hear that I'd been to India and wanted to know more about where I went and what I did. She was not as familiar with the South, but of course she knew the Chankaracharya. She was pleased with me for being a spiritual individual (and also heaped praise on me for not being a smoker!).

She asked how I came to be in India and I gave my pat response that I give most of the time. I have this one quick sentence because most people do not expect or want me to launch into a whole long explanation about my background.So I just say, "Because my parents are hippies."

Usually that causes people to nod knowingly, but this time the doctor was very upset when I said that. "No," she said, "Don't call them hippies. They are spiritual people, the highest aim in life. Do they sit around without jobs?"

"Well, no."

"Do they move around all the time never taking responsibility?"

"No."

"Then they are not hippies.You should never call them that."

It was interesting because I could see how her idea of what hippies are and my idea of what they are seem to be quite different. Her idea is, admittedly, more valid than mine. I was born in 1982 and had no direct experience of the 70s.

And she's right that I should not be so dismissive of the long, hard work my parents have done to improve their souls. For nearly 40 years they have been dedicated to meditation, mindfulness practice, and studying ancient wisdom.

In the future I will find a new way to explain my Indian connections.