Lonliness and also Caste

Basu asked a few posts ago whether I have any Indian friends and I realized that I don't have very many friends of any kind. Not here, anyway. That is the trouble with moving a lot. I kept trying to fit in somewhere and I moved to five different states when I left home to go to college.

I now live very close to my best friend from home, she is the main reason that I moved to Maryland.

But now I know that I need more. I need other girl friends. My partner in my dance class is probably moving over seas soon and she doesn't seem too interested in hanging out outside of the events we go to.

I do hope to make friends at Chinmaya, but I know it is going to take a while. Many people there have known each other for years, I would guess. I see people come in and greet their friends and smile and talk and sit together and it makes me feel extremely alone.

Recently I've been doing too many things alone. I learned to do that from my traveling around. I show up at these things and people are welcoming, but it takes time to develop real friendship. (I started out going to Hindi meet-up group alone, but once my boyfriend and I started dating, he decided to learn Hindi also, so we go together now and he always comes with me to dance events, etc.)

Today in the BJ's parking lot I saw three African women finishing up their shopping together. They were dressed in African dresses and turbans. It made me think how much easier it must be to wear ethnic clothes and maintain one's culture when you have friends (or sisters as the case might be) to do things with.

Again, I felt terribly lonely. I suddenly understood why it would be so nice to have other people of your own culture around you. I wish there were more like me. Now, thanks to this blog, I know I'm not totally alone. But still, sometimes I feel a bit like The Doctor, the only one of my kind and there is a profound loneliness.

I do plan to stay in this area for the long term, so I hope I can make some good strong friendships here. (And starting that process, one of the commentors on this blog invited the boyfriend and me to dinner with her family. Little did we realize, we live in the same town! I'm really looking forward to that).

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On a completely different note, new discoveries about the caste issue.

I've mentioned before that I feel like one of the real difficulties of Hinduism coming to accept converts is that converts don't have a caste. Even though socially, many have been trying to do away with the caste system for years, it seems to be still very commonly used in terms of what you know about someone. The sort-of social mobility that is built into the American character is not as common in India, from what I understand.

On my last post on this subject, a couple of commenters said the following:

Sriram said...
Actually caste is much maligned subject that has been misused for personal benefit.

The 4th Chapter, 13th verse of the Bhagvad Gita explains it in simple terms. Krishna says that he created the 4 castes. This was used widely by many to spread a half truth. The full line is where he says that he created the 4 castes but the caste of a person is decided by actions and qualities.

If one goes backwards and reads about who the authors of many of the books in Hinduism were, they were not born into the high caste families or blood lines. There are other controversial books but one has to see them contextually than in a generic all encompassing manner.

June 3, 2010 3:03 PM
Anil said...
Yes, I agree.

"Chaturvarnam Maya Shristam Guna Karma Vibhagasah" means according to nature and action people are divided into four classes. Ignorant people have made it by birth.

Also, I happened to read in the FAQs section of the ISKON website:
"In Bhagavad Gita (18.42-44), Sri Krishna clearly states that the Varna (caste) of a person is decided by his activities, not by birth"

Now, of course, this doesn't mean that the issue of caste suddenly vanishes. Even if it was meant to be a measure of our behavior more than our birth, it is still heavily used to judge and categorize people.

Still, it is good to know that this is a social construct and it can be separated from the religion without damaging the religion.

I can understand the idea that we are born into circumstances based on our sanskara, but as I've said before, I cannot accept that this is an excuse to treat people badly or deny them education (or going the other way, to expect more from people who were born Brahmin). It is not our job to judge someone else, it is our job to have compassion. There is no place to say, this person was born untouchable, therefore they must have done something horrible in a past life, therefore they deserve to be treated badly. We do not know what happened in their past life and we don't know for what purpose that person was born into the life they were. The only thing that matters is the present moment, and in this moment we must show kindness to all because they are all our siblings and our parents.

You are all Wonderful

What fantastic responses to my post yesterday! Thank you for your thoughtful replies and you all brought up some really good points. I find so much encouragement from you all. :)

Here were some of my favorite things said so far:

CS:
There is a lot of truth, though, to the notion that bored rich white people seek spiritual thrills by "following" Eastern religions. They are colorful and spicy and exotic. (But I wonder why no one bats an eyelash when an Indian or other Asian or any other non-white person embraces Christianity or Islam and a "western" lifestyle... Is that appropriation?) 

I found serious Hinduism the first time I went to India and traveled with DH (darling hubby) to a well-known pilgrimage temple in the south, and spent a night there and got up at the crack of dawn to wait in hours-long lines to do the puja and then see the main deity (have a darshan). What I saw of real humanity, rich, poor, sick, young, healthy, dying, and the devotion there in the inner sanctum, was something that a rich white person probably can't access in the same way in a cushy resort on a beach in Goa or Kerala, having $1,000 ayurvedic treatments, and the like. I have to admit, as a white (dare I say it) Hindu, even I have to sneer at that.

Art:
Christianity is an Eastern religion. My European ancestors stole it 1500 years ago, but does that make it any less stolen? Jesus was not European...
No one owns Hinduism, anymore than they own any other faith. Every great religion is a gift from the Lord. Who is any man or woman to decide that another is not worthy of that gift?

In the most widely loved Hindu scripture, Srimad Bhagavad Gita, Sri Krishna tells us that none are more or less dear to Him, that He is the Lord of the universe, that He dwells in the hearts of all. He does not say that Indians are more dear to Him than Americans, that He is the Lord of the Indian sub-continent, or that He dwells in the heart of every Indian.

Mouse:
I always find it intriguing though that ONLY Americans (or "white folks")can "steal" other people's cultures... as if we ALL have absolutely no respect for anyone else and couldn't possibly be doing x for a good reason. I'm also (like you) exhausted by the notion that because I'm a "white girl" I must have this horribly romantic notion of how things are in other parts of the world (especially India) because I haven't been there to "see the other side" first hand. *sigh*

An Anonymous poster pointed out many examples of non-Indian Hindus and said, "*Serious converts are welcome but we dont want new age type dabblers."

And CS again:
In the end, brown skinned, white skinned, who CARES? We are all human, all subject to the making the same bad decisions or all capable of rising to our highest impulses. Your brown skin and my white skin doesn't say one damned thing about who's better and who's worse as a human being, and thus who's eligible to be Hindu or not.

Seeing that we are all the same has made me realize that I, as a white German-Jewish-Norwegian-Lutheran woman, am no better and no worse than an Indian Hindu, or a Japanese Buddhist or a Brazilian practioner of Candomble. So if I want to call myself a Hindu, and you don't like it, just go busy yourself with your prayers and I'll do the same. 

Can I just say, Exactly! And this is why this blog is so useful, it is a place for us to come together and show that non-Indians can be serious about Hinduism and not just dabblers. And it is also a place where open-minded Indians come to say that we are welcome. Thank you so much to everyone!
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I've mentioned a couple of time being uncertain of non-Indian gurus. I thought I'd talk a little about that today as a follow up to yesterday.

I guess I sometimes come across as sounding like I think Indians are better or are better suited to Hinduism. That is not what I intend at all.

When it comes to spiritual leaders, I am suspicious. Partly from my dad's scientific mind influencing me and partly being jaded from what I've seen. I'm suspicious of both Indian and non-Indian gurus. My lack of trust in white gurus is a fear that there is a lack of continuity. Many Indian gurus have been groomed and installed in a long lineage.

I'm not interested in learning Indian philosophy from someone who gets high and chants the Gita. As CS put it, "I don't go for the ganga-smoking, Krishna is my Om Boy tee shirt wearing, barefoot groover as Hindu." Exactly. Couldn't have said it better myself. I've seen that sort of thing too often. (Although, my boyfriend really wants the bumper sticker that I found that says "Ganesh is my Om Boy"! I think it really suits him, too)

I've also seen and heard about spiritual leaders in India leading people astray, tricking them with faith healings like America's revival tents, preaching against material possessions while living in luxury, etc.

When it comes to looking for a spiritual leader, I am not willing to give up my own judgement and understanding. Even once I found someone that I trust, who feels authentic, whose teachings line up with what feels right to me and my experience, I am never going to just do everything that person says without carefully thinking about it first. Maybe that will slow down my spiritual progress, but it's how I am. This is why the path of devotion isn't right for me.

You don't have to be Indian to be enlightened. Duh.

You don't have to be Hindu to be enlightened (although there are several Hindus who will be thinking that actually you are Hindu, you just think you're something else!) Vedantic thought can be found at the base of just about every spiritual path. As I've said before, it's more buried in some than in others and Christianity is a tough one because it has been interpreted and remade so many, many times.

So we're back to the question of why do I imitate Indian culture?

I don't think I have an answer for that. It's not a self-hatred thing. I certainly think that anyone can find enlightenment on whatever path is right for him or her. I follow what feels right for me. As I've said before, I didn't have a culture for this to displace. There was a void and it is now happily filled.

I find that philosophy works better when blended into all the other parts of my life and I have no desire to reinvent the wheel, as the saying goes. I love Indian philosophy and I love Indian culture. The two go together pretty well.

And another perspective

There are so many different perspectives on these issues and I find it fascinating to gather all the different view points together in one place. I think it is clear that there is not one right answer and people's feelings about white Hindus depend a lot on their own background and interpretations as well as the unique individual who is trying to follow Hinduism.

A new blog I found, The Big, Bad, Blonde Bahu Blog (Bahu meaning daughter-in-law) had a really interesting post on the subject of Western Hindus. I've quoted part below, but you should really go and read the whole thing.

I'd love to hear your thoughts about it in the comments.

I’ve never known what to think of Westernized versions of Hinduism. One way a person could think of it is that it’s just another aspect of multi-culturalism—people being open to a variety of religious traditions. One could also think about it as profoundly disrespectful. It could be seen as appropriation, or as a friend of mine recently put it, “using other people’s religion or culture as a playground for rich white people." Most Indians I know openly mock Westerners who take on Eastern religions (Buddhism, Hinduism, Sikhism).

Then she tells the story of her first taste of American Hinduism, which involves chanting to a far-off guru and giving money.

...What bothered me most was what came next. The woman took out a square of carpet from a wooden box and placed a pair of sandals on it. The square of carpet, she told us, came from the actual meditation chamber of the actual guru. Some of the audience oh-ed and ah-ed as she placed it in on the floor under the guru’s photo. The woman then invited us to meditate silently while thinking of the guru. She told us that after we had finished our meditation, we could come up and touch the square of carpet, either with our heads or our hands, and then we were free to leave money if we wanted to.

I will say, I have been to similar sorts of things and felt very uncomfortable. I understand the path of devotion, but I'm a little creeped out by devotion to a guru that one has never met.

Actually hearing the guru speak and thinking he has a great philosophy, then I wouldn't be too surprised by people performing devotions to his sandals or the carpet.

Maybe because I'm wary of that mocking that she speaks of, I'm reluctant to be part of events that are all non-Indians. I don't trust a non-Indian to lead a Hindu group. (In general. There are exceptions to this, but I'm very, very cautious of them).

At the end she hangs out with the child of one of these people who says it is more his parents thing than his. That will probably be my kid some day. I hope I'm not that far out there for my poor kids!

What do you all think about the “using other people’s religion or culture as a playground for rich white people"?

Non-attachment Fail

One of the very hardest concepts in Vedic philosophy is that of non-attachment.

The idea is that this whole world is an illusion, it's like we're in a stage play. So we play our parts, but when it's over, we go back stage to our real lives. People who have realized this and live with it are enlightened, and are therefore blissful all the time, not bothered by the little and big frustrations of life.

They are able to enjoy the physical things in life, having nice things, etc. but they are not attached to them. They are not bothered when anything goes away because they know that everything is God and things changing hands or changing shape is not really a change at all.

A very difficult ideal to live up to, but I had a nice, what should have been easy, opportunity to practice non-attachment this morning and I failed.

Here's the scenario:

It's raining a little bit today. Not heavy rain, just gray and drizzly. I had finished walking the dog, then I locked up the apartment and headed toward my car to go to dance class. There was a boy standing under the apartment awning.

He's someone we've had some trouble with in the past. This winter there was extremely heavy snowfall and this boy went around offering to shovel out cars for money. At first he was asking a ridiculously high amount and we said no. Later he came back and said he would do it for $20 and we agreed. We gave him the money. He never shoveled the car. I pestered him about it for days, hunting him down when he was playing with his friends. I finally just gave up. So, my boyfriend was out the money and had to shovel both our cars out. The history with this boy isn't great.

He asked me if I had an umbrella he could use because he had to go and stand at the bus stop.

I almost never use an umbrella, but I do have one. I have one that I am extremely attached to. My father got it for me at a biomedical conference and it has a huge ad for an ear infection drug on it. He got two of them, one for each of us and so we've had these matching umbrellas for years and years. Of all the gifts my dad has given me over the years, that umbrella and a kid's book written in Dutch are the only ones I'm really attached to.

I love that umbrella and I did not want to lend it to an unreliable person.

However, this one should have been an easy answer. There is a person in front of me with a need and I have something to fulfill that need.

I went to the car to look for it, all the while wondering what I would do if I found it. Could I really hand it over to this child? I didn't find it and I apologized to him and got in the car. Then I saw the umbrella in the front seat, where I had not looked (maybe subconsciously I knew it was there?) I could have run after him to give it to him, but I didn't.

This probably seems like not a big deal at all, but I try to take advantage of every opportunity life gives me. I don't want to miss learning and growing chances because becoming enlightened is my main ambition in life.

I'll have to try better next time, but even now looking back on it, my stomach churns at the thought of giving anyone my beloved umbrella. Sigh.

Questions from a New Reader

Some of these are new questions and some are evolving answers. Always feel free to ask me questions by email or in the comments. I'm happy to turn these ideas into more of a discussion than just me prattling on about things. And I can always use fresh ideas for new blog posts (don't worry, though, I haven't forgotten my promise of an updated post about caste, it's waiting in the wings).


1. Do you eat meat? Why or why not? I already did not eat red meat before my enthusiasm for conversion to Hinduism, but early on I gave up all meat and have been all the better for it. Do you give feed with cow in it to your pet(s)?
I have a post about Indian and Hindu things that I don't follow here.
There I discuss that I am not a vegetarian. However, my feelings about it have started changing. In the last couple of months I have felt compelled toward vegetarianism. The thought of eating beef bothers me on some kind of emotional level now. I don't know what brought that on. Perhaps just the fact that this blog has caused me to spend a lot more time in thoughts about my religion and my religious practices.

It is still not practical for me to turn vegetarian, so I'm waiting to see how my feelings about it evolve.

My boyfriend eats meat and he cooks meat for me (we enjoy cooking for each other). I am already a very picky eater, so I don't want to take away from him such a huge number of potential things for him to cook. I tried to find some soy fake-meat to use instead, but so far I haven't been able to find anything that would correctly match the texture of beef.

2. Do you use henna? I personally love it! Makes my hair feel so much more natural, too.
I just started using henna to dye my hair. I haven't decided yet if I'll put indigo over it to make it more black or leave it red (with my hair, the length is a very dark brown, but I have a lot of grey and I dye to cover that). Right now I have red hair in the front and black for the rest because it dyed my white hairs red!

I have been using a chemical dye on my hair for the last eight years, and a couple of concerns came up with that. There's the fear that putting harsh chemicals on my head so frequently could be causing damage to my brain or my nervous system. Also, I am obsessed with super long hair and have always wanted to have hair at least to my knees. I'm finally going for that goal, so I wanted to use a dye that would be gentler and more natural for my hair.

Some people have told me to just grow it out with the grey, but I hate having grey hair. For one, it washes out my pale face and for another I'm only 28 years old. I went grey at around 20.

So far, I love the henna. It's a lot of work to apply, but I really like what it has done for my hair. It is beautiful.

So anyway, that has nothing to do with Hinduism, but hair is another one of my hobbies!

3. Does it bother you that your partner does not share the same faith, or do you embrace it? Is his mind open to the philosophy? Would you allow your children to have dual-faith rearing?
As I said in my post about why I don't just marry an Indian, I haven't had any luck finding a partner with a similar religion. In the past I've tried to date Christians and it has caused huge problems, even though we would both be very spiritual people. I've had a lot better luck with atheists. I've found them to be very respectful of my beliefs.

Especially my current boyfriend. He loves what we jokingly call "this whole Indian thing" (that's what one of my exes cited as a reason to break up with me: "You have this whole Indian thing going on"). My current boyfriend encourages me to continue with my religious practices, enjoys celebrating holidays with me, thinks Ganesha is awesome, and looks up and studies any Hindu or Indian thing that I happen to mention. Often he teaches me things!

We're very serious about getting married soon and starting a family. We've discussed how to handle being inter-religious as a family. We have a plan, but who knows how that will last once kids actually arrive?

The plan is that we will raise our children Hindu. They will go to temple and Chinmaya with me, we will celebrate Hindu holidays as a family, etc. When they get to be an age when they can reason and understand, probably around ten or eleven, then we will let them know that their father is an atheist. He can explain to them what that is and why he believes what he does.

I would insist that the children continue to practice Hinduism until they are 16. At that time they are free to no longer go to temple if they don't want to, etc. I will let them know that whatever makes them happy is fine with me and they can leave Hinduism, come back, do whatever. It is their life at that point. (Although it will break my heart if they become evangelical Christians, but even if they do, I won't criticize and I won't make a big deal of it, because the most important thing is to keep my children close to me).

I am curious to see what it will be like that my children will be in a very different religion from their Catholic cousins. Should be an interesting journey.

4. Is there a region of India you feel is the most beautiful? I've only been there two times, but I did appreciate the south a little more than the north.
I have not been able to visit India yet, which really upsets me. I'm longing to go. I would like to visit the North because of the holy sites there, however my parents have a guru in the South, so if they go again I'll tag along with them. I almost had an opportunity to go this summer, but I had to give it up because of financial constraints.

Sorry if the questions got too personal. It's interesting to find someone else on a similar journey to mine, although I think I am much older than you are (48). Good luck!

If you would like to tell your story here, I'd be happy to have another voice. Feel free to send an email to aambablog@gmail.com with your story and I'll see if I can guest post it!

And don't worry too much about asking personal questions. I don't know if it's me or my generation or what, but I'm an open book. I'm happy to tell people just about anything about me.

Trying too Hard: a dead give-away

I was watching a favorite TV show called Bones and something happened that made me think of my own life.

There was a character who was very into all things Chinese. (He was also illegally selling Chinese weapons, because it's a mystery show). He kept his ledger in Chinese and wore Chinese clothes, and his home was all decorated Chinese, etc. Well, the police take his ledger and one of them shows it to a Chinese anthropologist. He looks at the book and says, "The man who wrote this isn't Chinese, right?" They ask how he knew and he said that the characters were too carefully formed. The writer was trying too hard and the writing looked forced and stiff, not natural.

Trying too hard.

Now, I don't think that I have this problem with my Hindi. My handwriting isn't great in English and it's not great in Hindi either.

This is a page from my exercises in my Teach Yourself Hindi book :)

But what this TV show really made me think of is that I find myself in a large chasm in-between knowing nothing and knowing as much as someone born and raised in India.

I want to approach everything as an opportunity to learn, but I have to admit that it can be irritating when people assume I don't know anything. It's hard to be quiet and polite when someone is telling me, "Well, you know, Sanskrit is this ancient language and Hindi is closely related to it...blah blah blah." Yeah, I know. I've been exposed to Sanskrit since I was in the womb.

"It's traditional for us to do this..." "We call this thing, this..." I have trouble being talked down to and I don't like feeling like I'm being treated like an idiot. I know they are well meaning and want to help me understand.

And of course, sometimes, I really don't know! There are terms and traditions that I have not come across yet.

So I'm in that frustrating in-between place.

I wonder sometimes if I go too far in showing what I do know. For example, I went to my dance teacher's daughter's anangatrum (graduation ceremony for dance, see now I'm doing it to other people!) and I gave a gift of a murti and an auspicious amount of money.

I vaguely wonder (but I'm not stressed about it or anything) if knowing that a certain number is auspicious is seen as me "fitting in" or as me trying too hard. Does the move look natural or studied?

I find that I'm afraid that if I choose not to do something or follow some tradition, it will be seen as me not knowing about it rather than the regular choice that people make in their religions.

Therefore I follow a lot of things very traditionally just so I won't look ignorant.

(I know, I know, as usual I have to stop wondering what other people are thinking!)

How You Spend a Saturday

The boyfriend and I were just hanging out on my couch and watching old TV episodes when there was a knock on my door.

Two young men were there to talk to me about their new hope church. They were friendly and polite and we chatted about my dog for a moment.

They had a survey to ask people about their beliefs. Maybe some days I would be in the mood to go through that, but this is a sunny, beautiful day and the boyfriend and I are enjoying our time together.

So I told the guys that I was Hindu and not interested in church.

"Oh," one said, undeterred, "That's important for us to know."

"Would you mind telling us about your beliefs?" The other asked.

Again, maybe sometimes I might have the energy for that. But really I don't feel like putting in a lot of effort to explain Hinduism to people who are strongly biased against it.

As friendly as they are, and as much as they like to tell themselves that they are open minded, they aren't. They already know the answer and the only reason they want to hear my beliefs is so they can find ways to tear holes in them.

I'm not much of a debater and these conversations always leave me feeling drained and discouraged and they go back to being the same Christians they were before the discussion and I go back to being the same Hindu I was. No convincing is going to take place here.

The only thing that telling them my beliefs would change is that it would give them knowledge about Hinduism that they could use to develop ammunition to try to convert other Hindus.

I knew a Christian girl in college who encouraged her Christian group to attend a dinner that the Muslim Student Association was holding (they were doing the dinner as a way for people to get to know more about Islam, in a spirit of peace, so we could all get along). This girl told people to go to learn about Islam so that they could learn how to better proselytize them to Christianity. She was a sweet girl, but what a disgusting thing to do!

Watch this incredibly irritating video of two ignorant Christian girls trying to convince their "friend" Saraswati that she's going to hell:



I don't know why Saraswati continued to talk with these girls, but I have no interest in subjecting myself to this kind of thing :)