I don't know if anyone noticed that one of the commenters mentioned that the name he signed was his "pet" name. It is my understanding that in India people have two names, a "good" name that is the full name that gets used on official documents, and a "pet" name, which is like a nickname, though not necessarily related to the person's good name.
A new reader came over here from the www.ispeakhindi.com message boards and was confused because there my name is Carolyn and here is it Aamba.
The reason for that is that my real name is Carolyn. I have never had a nickname and I use my real name to sign up for everything because I don't have another one. When I first started this blog it was important to me to be anonymous and that is why I selected an Indian name (it isn't chosen randomly, there is a post about why this name).
My immediate family does not know about this blog. A few years ago I had one like it on Livejournal, except it was about more than just my religion, it was about my hobbies and my life in general. When my mom found out about it she asked me to remove it, saying that it was offensive. She's very private and she does not understand my drive to tell people all about my thoughts and feelings and life, to share with everyone and find common ground.
The reason I started again was not to defy my mom. Last year she noticed this trend among books that a lot of people were publishing books based on blogs where they explored a topic for a year. She said I should write a blog about being a white Hindu and get a book deal out of it. It was another one of those parallel universe moments. "Weren't you the one who told me not to do that?" I think what's happened is that my parents have finally realized that this is not a game to me. There was a turning point when I was on the phone with my dad a couple of summers ago and he said, "But you're not really a Hindu, you don't do the rituals and pujas and such." I told him, "Yes, I do. You've been to my home, you've seen my shrine." He paused and said, "Well, maybe you are a Hindu."
Still, I have not told them about this blog. I want to be able to say things honestly without worrying about upsetting them. I don't want my thoughts or feelings to "reflect badly on the family."
It was a big step for me to link this blog to my Facebook and other online profiles, to admit that this is me.
So, through this blog, I have gotten my "pet" name of Aamba. No one in my life calls me that, it is only here.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
Quick Question
I am confused and a bit frustrated that it seems like people have a hard time keeping "Hindi" and "Hindu" straight.
I was on a message board and the person was talking about "worshiping the same God as a Hindi" and it just sounded so bizarre.
Am I the only one who doesn't find it hard to keep straight which one is a language and which one is a religion? I know that they're similar words, so maybe this falls into the category of how it is fairly easy for me to remember which "your" or "you're" to use, because they are totally separate and different words. Is that just my brain? Should I just keep my mouth shut when someone asks me how I'm coming along in learning Hindu?
I was on a message board and the person was talking about "worshiping the same God as a Hindi" and it just sounded so bizarre.
Am I the only one who doesn't find it hard to keep straight which one is a language and which one is a religion? I know that they're similar words, so maybe this falls into the category of how it is fairly easy for me to remember which "your" or "you're" to use, because they are totally separate and different words. Is that just my brain? Should I just keep my mouth shut when someone asks me how I'm coming along in learning Hindu?
Thursday, April 29, 2010
"Dreaming in Hindi"
Thanks for the kind comments, everyone. I'm finding such inspiration here and so when I feel down or frustrated about this, I can come here and re-read everyone's encouragement. It's wonderful.
I know I said I would do a post about Marrying Anita, but this new book has swept me away! I went to the library to renew the first one and I found that they had a copy of Dreaming in Hindi.
It's an excellent book, about a white American woman who decides to learn Hindi in mid-life. She joins a program for learning in India for a year and she documents her fascinating experiences there, as well as mixing in all the latest linguistic research on second language acquisition.
Some food for thought for me:
"I'm perpetually bemused by how entwined this language is with Hinduism. Sometimes I think I can't being to speak it without a thorough grounding in the religion...They say there's no conversion rite into Hinduism, but there is: learn Hindi."
"The Canadian psycholinguists Wallace Lambert and Robert Gardner had just come out with their observation that people learn languages from one of two broad motivations: either they're doing it to make a living, or they have some compelling desire to slip into another community. Sometimes this second aspiration stems from the fact that they feel masked in their own. 'Why do people want to adopt another culture?' Alice Kaplan writes. 'Because there's something in their own they don't like, that doesn't name them.'"
Though it is only vaguely about Hindi and more about the change in one's mind and culture from experiencing someone else's language, I did learn some Hindi tid-bits. I can't believe that I never noticed that the word for "to have" is the same as "close to." The author pointed out that there isn't a sense of ownership in the Hindi language. I had the "Mera pas jacket hai" (I have a jacket) and the "Ladki ke pas ghar hai" (the girl is near the house), but I had never noticed they were the same words! Light bulb moment. And those feel great, particularly since they aren't happening as much as when I first started.
And one more tip it has given me for learning Hindi. One of the tricky things for me is the gender of words. English being a language without gendered words, this is a very difficult thing to pick up and the genders have to just be memorized. The author talks about a study where they had German and Spanish speakers describe certain objects. These were objects that had opposite genders in each of the languages. They found that for masculine words, the people described the objects in masculine ways and the same for feminine. I wonder if I could force this sort of thing and help to memorize words by thinking about the objects in ways that call to mind a particular gender to me (i.e., think of a key, feminine, as delicate and small...) This would be my own ideas and attachments about gender, obviously, just to help me remember.
I know I said I would do a post about Marrying Anita, but this new book has swept me away! I went to the library to renew the first one and I found that they had a copy of Dreaming in Hindi.
It's an excellent book, about a white American woman who decides to learn Hindi in mid-life. She joins a program for learning in India for a year and she documents her fascinating experiences there, as well as mixing in all the latest linguistic research on second language acquisition.
Some food for thought for me:
"I'm perpetually bemused by how entwined this language is with Hinduism. Sometimes I think I can't being to speak it without a thorough grounding in the religion...They say there's no conversion rite into Hinduism, but there is: learn Hindi."
"The Canadian psycholinguists Wallace Lambert and Robert Gardner had just come out with their observation that people learn languages from one of two broad motivations: either they're doing it to make a living, or they have some compelling desire to slip into another community. Sometimes this second aspiration stems from the fact that they feel masked in their own. 'Why do people want to adopt another culture?' Alice Kaplan writes. 'Because there's something in their own they don't like, that doesn't name them.'"
Though it is only vaguely about Hindi and more about the change in one's mind and culture from experiencing someone else's language, I did learn some Hindi tid-bits. I can't believe that I never noticed that the word for "to have" is the same as "close to." The author pointed out that there isn't a sense of ownership in the Hindi language. I had the "Mera pas jacket hai" (I have a jacket) and the "Ladki ke pas ghar hai" (the girl is near the house), but I had never noticed they were the same words! Light bulb moment. And those feel great, particularly since they aren't happening as much as when I first started.
And one more tip it has given me for learning Hindi. One of the tricky things for me is the gender of words. English being a language without gendered words, this is a very difficult thing to pick up and the genders have to just be memorized. The author talks about a study where they had German and Spanish speakers describe certain objects. These were objects that had opposite genders in each of the languages. They found that for masculine words, the people described the objects in masculine ways and the same for feminine. I wonder if I could force this sort of thing and help to memorize words by thinking about the objects in ways that call to mind a particular gender to me (i.e., think of a key, feminine, as delicate and small...) This would be my own ideas and attachments about gender, obviously, just to help me remember.
Monday, April 26, 2010
People similar to me
[EDITED: I just realized that the title of this post could be taken a way I totally didn't mean...changing it now! Great example of how learning another language is a really difficult experience. Saying "People like me" could mean what the title now says or it could mean "You like me, you really like me" and the difference is in tone only, even though English is not a tonal language. Argh!)
I was doing some Internet searches and I came across much more encouraging things than I have in the past.
On one webpage, a man asks, "How are whites received by the Hindu community? My instinct tells me that I'd be met with some xenophobia and seen as an outsider and an oddity; something of a wanna-be."
The responses are very encouraging, telling him that it is common to see white people at temples now. (I've never seen that, but I've been too shy to go all that often).
I haven't read through it yet, but I also found a blog http://western-hindu.org/ about someone who is a westerner and a convert to Hinduism.
Another blog I found that I'm really enjoying is about a Dominican woman who converted to Orthodox Judaism. Reading through her posts, it's remarkable how much converts have in common, regardless of the religion they are moving to. A couple of things that were very familiar were when she talked about how she felt her soul had always been Jewish and that when she learned about how God was viewed in Judaism it matched exactly the belief she already had in her heart. Her struggles to be accepted in a tight-knit group of people who are a different ethnicity from her are very inspiring. http://www.alizahausman.net/
I haven't been back to the temple since Ram Navami, but I feel so encouraged by the recent things I've found that I'm going to go back soon. I'm also thinking about signing up for some of the programs offered by Chinmaya Mission. They are a world-wide organization with a reputation for being welcoming of all Hindus.
I've been so worried about coming across, as the man above said, like a "wanna-be", but I have to learn to accept that I can't control how others will view me. It really is okay if people think I'm doing this because it's exotic or cool, I know my own reasons and that is all that matters.
I was doing some Internet searches and I came across much more encouraging things than I have in the past.
On one webpage, a man asks, "How are whites received by the Hindu community? My instinct tells me that I'd be met with some xenophobia and seen as an outsider and an oddity; something of a wanna-be."
The responses are very encouraging, telling him that it is common to see white people at temples now. (I've never seen that, but I've been too shy to go all that often).
I haven't read through it yet, but I also found a blog http://western-hindu.org/ about someone who is a westerner and a convert to Hinduism.
Another blog I found that I'm really enjoying is about a Dominican woman who converted to Orthodox Judaism. Reading through her posts, it's remarkable how much converts have in common, regardless of the religion they are moving to. A couple of things that were very familiar were when she talked about how she felt her soul had always been Jewish and that when she learned about how God was viewed in Judaism it matched exactly the belief she already had in her heart. Her struggles to be accepted in a tight-knit group of people who are a different ethnicity from her are very inspiring. http://www.alizahausman.net/
I haven't been back to the temple since Ram Navami, but I feel so encouraged by the recent things I've found that I'm going to go back soon. I'm also thinking about signing up for some of the programs offered by Chinmaya Mission. They are a world-wide organization with a reputation for being welcoming of all Hindus.
I've been so worried about coming across, as the man above said, like a "wanna-be", but I have to learn to accept that I can't control how others will view me. It really is okay if people think I'm doing this because it's exotic or cool, I know my own reasons and that is all that matters.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Books
The person commenting on the last post mentioned being complimented on having Indian mannerisms. This happened to me for the first time last weekend. My boyfriend and I went with some friends to an Indian restaurant and I was eating, as I always do, by mixing a curry with some rice and picking it up with pieces of bread instead of utensils. One of the restaurant staff came by to say, "I like the way you are eating. That is how we eat in India."
I will be writing some posts soon based on thoughts and passages from a book I've been reading. It's called Marrying Anita and it is about a woman of Indian origin who grew up in America, but went back to India to look for a husband.
I also wanted to tell you that one of the reasons I started this blog was to help me get hold of an idea for my own book. I am a fiction writer and I've written a couple of books and for my next project I came up with the idea of an American girl of Indian origin who is not all that interested in her family and roots until her mother falls ill (and her father has been supposedly dead for all of her life). She decides to be a dutiful Indian daughter and move her mother into her place, but when she's packing up and going through her mother's things she discovers that her mother isn't Indian at all. She is a white woman, who at a very early age took an interest in Indian culture. Frustrated by feeling that she could never quite fit in, she went to drastic measures and pretended to be Indian all of her life, even adopting an Indian daughter. So it would explore issues like the ones here, about culture, and roots, and what makes us who we are. I haven't quite figured out how to structure the plot yet, though.
Something else happening today that I'm sure I'll want to tell you all about is the first book club meeting of the Hindi speaking group. We've read White Tiger, and we're going to be discussing it in Hindi!
So, more posts soon!
I will be writing some posts soon based on thoughts and passages from a book I've been reading. It's called Marrying Anita and it is about a woman of Indian origin who grew up in America, but went back to India to look for a husband.
I also wanted to tell you that one of the reasons I started this blog was to help me get hold of an idea for my own book. I am a fiction writer and I've written a couple of books and for my next project I came up with the idea of an American girl of Indian origin who is not all that interested in her family and roots until her mother falls ill (and her father has been supposedly dead for all of her life). She decides to be a dutiful Indian daughter and move her mother into her place, but when she's packing up and going through her mother's things she discovers that her mother isn't Indian at all. She is a white woman, who at a very early age took an interest in Indian culture. Frustrated by feeling that she could never quite fit in, she went to drastic measures and pretended to be Indian all of her life, even adopting an Indian daughter. So it would explore issues like the ones here, about culture, and roots, and what makes us who we are. I haven't quite figured out how to structure the plot yet, though.
Something else happening today that I'm sure I'll want to tell you all about is the first book club meeting of the Hindi speaking group. We've read White Tiger, and we're going to be discussing it in Hindi!
So, more posts soon!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
No India Yet
There has been a consensus of advice that it would be better if I were to go with someone, either Indian friends or my boyfriend, or at least meet up with people I know when there (even if just friends of friends).
It's interesting because my mom was very worried when my boyfriend was talking about coming along. She thought it would be too shocking for us to travel together, since we are not married. Interestingly, her Indian friends urged her to make him go along! After all, the people on the street in India are not going to know that we're not married.
However, in the end it is finances that prevent me from going right now. I don't know when I'll get a chance again, but I'll have my eyes open for another opportunity.
It's interesting because my mom was very worried when my boyfriend was talking about coming along. She thought it would be too shocking for us to travel together, since we are not married. Interestingly, her Indian friends urged her to make him go along! After all, the people on the street in India are not going to know that we're not married.
However, in the end it is finances that prevent me from going right now. I don't know when I'll get a chance again, but I'll have my eyes open for another opportunity.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Trip to India
Still uncertain about whether I'll be able to go to India this summer.
I don't have the money, so I've asked my parents and they have some concerns. They're afraid that over the summer will be too hot and maybe during monsoon and too difficult for me to deal with.
They worry that I know no one there and I will be traveling alone.
They worry that I'll just be helping out at an orphanage and not get to see India and what a shame it would be to go all that way and not see the big sites.
Personally, I don't care that much about the big sites. The group I'm interested in going with does offer a trip that includes site seeing, but it's all Islamic sites. Sure, the Taj Mahal must be worth seeing, it is a wonder of the world, but I won't be upset not to see it. I'm not much of a museum goer and I don't have a checklist of places I have to see. I just want to experience India. I just want to be there.
My family does not seem to be able to understand that desire.
I am interested in everyday lives. I don't care about being a tourist, I just want to experience life.
For some reason I want this trip very, very badly and I can't entirely put into words why. Going to India is something I've wanted for years, but I kept it on the back burner of my mind, figuring an opportunity would present itself eventually. It's always so hard to have both the time and the money at the same point. Now an opportunity has come up and the desire sprung up from the back of my mind and now I can hardly think about anything else I want it so badly.
I feel like a fraud because I've never been to India. How can I participate in Indian culture and religion when the only access I have to it is through Indians living in America?
On the other hand, I do need to learn patience. When an idea comes to me of something I want to do, I pursue it relentlessly until it happens. I'm not good at letting this one go and wait for a while longer.
My parents also think that a few years from now might be better, particularly since I would have to squeeze the trip in between classes for my paralegal certificate.
I feel guilty because I know I don't deserve this trip, I don't have a right to it, and I'm over-privileged as it is. My parents have done more for me than most would.
But I can't help wanting it.
These two drives are tearing me, one direction is my desire to go to India and the other direction is feeling that I haven't earned it. I feel trapped.
Letting go of desire is an important part of Hinduism and I might have to start practicing it!
Things are still up in the air now as my parents talk to their Indian friends to get their opinions. So far the two we spoke to said I should wait until school is over and I should go with someone I know for protection. The only reason I don't want to wait for school to be over is that as soon as it ends, I will be starting at a full time job and it will take years to save up enough vacation time to make a trip to India reasonable. As for protection, I trust that the organization I go with will keep me safe and provide me with other people to do things with.
I don't have the money, so I've asked my parents and they have some concerns. They're afraid that over the summer will be too hot and maybe during monsoon and too difficult for me to deal with.
They worry that I know no one there and I will be traveling alone.
They worry that I'll just be helping out at an orphanage and not get to see India and what a shame it would be to go all that way and not see the big sites.
Personally, I don't care that much about the big sites. The group I'm interested in going with does offer a trip that includes site seeing, but it's all Islamic sites. Sure, the Taj Mahal must be worth seeing, it is a wonder of the world, but I won't be upset not to see it. I'm not much of a museum goer and I don't have a checklist of places I have to see. I just want to experience India. I just want to be there.
My family does not seem to be able to understand that desire.
I am interested in everyday lives. I don't care about being a tourist, I just want to experience life.
For some reason I want this trip very, very badly and I can't entirely put into words why. Going to India is something I've wanted for years, but I kept it on the back burner of my mind, figuring an opportunity would present itself eventually. It's always so hard to have both the time and the money at the same point. Now an opportunity has come up and the desire sprung up from the back of my mind and now I can hardly think about anything else I want it so badly.
I feel like a fraud because I've never been to India. How can I participate in Indian culture and religion when the only access I have to it is through Indians living in America?
On the other hand, I do need to learn patience. When an idea comes to me of something I want to do, I pursue it relentlessly until it happens. I'm not good at letting this one go and wait for a while longer.
My parents also think that a few years from now might be better, particularly since I would have to squeeze the trip in between classes for my paralegal certificate.
I feel guilty because I know I don't deserve this trip, I don't have a right to it, and I'm over-privileged as it is. My parents have done more for me than most would.
But I can't help wanting it.
These two drives are tearing me, one direction is my desire to go to India and the other direction is feeling that I haven't earned it. I feel trapped.
Letting go of desire is an important part of Hinduism and I might have to start practicing it!
Things are still up in the air now as my parents talk to their Indian friends to get their opinions. So far the two we spoke to said I should wait until school is over and I should go with someone I know for protection. The only reason I don't want to wait for school to be over is that as soon as it ends, I will be starting at a full time job and it will take years to save up enough vacation time to make a trip to India reasonable. As for protection, I trust that the organization I go with will keep me safe and provide me with other people to do things with.
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