I Need Less and Less

If you've been with me a while you might know that I grew up in an organization that is at least a little bit cult-like. While I was growing up I heard a lot of rhetoric about not being materialistic, not being attached to things, etc.

I tried to live it. I tried to give up things because other people told me that things were not the way to happiness. It was a very deprivational /punishing thing. I loathed myself for having desires. Particularly for ever giving in to a desire.

I felt crippling guilt about owning anything, having anything, wanting anything.

When I became an adult, at some point I made the decision to follow my heart. To "follow my bliss" as Joseph Campbell says and always do what felt right. This may sound perfectly reasonable to you, but it can sound negative too. My elders might easily say, "You mean you want to be hedonistic. To follow pleasure and ignore honor and duty and right."

Words like "pleasure" and "hedonist" were pretty much the worst things you could say.

Life isn't about selfish pleasure, right? It's about dedication, duty, hard work.

For a little while I left that duty and dedication and deprivation and allowed myself to start feeling the pleasures and feeling the desires.

They might not lead to lasting happiness. But I had to find that out for myself. I had to go on the journey.

And that's the key, really.

Lots of well meaning adults tried to make me into a perfect person by teaching me all about the mistakes they felt they made, the regrets that they had. They had discovered that material possessions didn't make them happy. They wanted me to understand that. But I had no experience to draw on, could only believe what I was told.

During my twenties I found out that I couldn't be spared those mistakes (well, maybe some of them). I had to experience. I had to try and test and find out where happiness was and discover it in my own experience.

Now I find that I don't have much desire for material things. I have little clutter and less all the time. I don't feel very attached to things.

The difference is, it isn't forced.

It's just the natural development of a life lived honestly and very close to the heart. If I feel desire, if I want something, I wouldn't deny getting it (currently I'm wanting a composter!). I would no longer become angry at myself for having a desire. I don't feel deprived because I just don't need very much and I find that I don't want very much .

But I could not have come to that conclusion, and been at peace with less stuff if I hadn't tried the stuff out.

Desire isn't wrong or evil. It's natural. And it can tell us a lot about ourselves and our needs. At some point one may find desire lessening, but I don't think we can skip ahead to that part of the journey. I think we have to arrive there naturally.

Maybe it's all in my head

A comment on my post of a few days ago got me thinking...

CuriousSeptember 7, 2012 9:15 PM

I always get confused with such posts. because it doesn't make much sense. Nor does it match what I've seen (attitude of Hindu-by-birth towards Hindu-by-choice)

I truly hope such reactions you speak of are mere exceptions.

I think I really do imagine more strife than there actually is.

I can't think of any examples of anyone questioning my validity of a Hindu to my face. There are only two things that lead to posts like this:

1) Knowing that some people say behind my back that I romanticize Hinduism. But I think the more I talk about it, the more they see that I know the good and the bad sides.

2) Stories or articles where people complain about a particular person (such as a celebrity) being into Indian culture out of nowhere. Somehow I seem to take those stories very personally and the things that people say about them, even though it is a different situation.

I am sensitive to and worry over people trying to dismiss my Hindu-ness and yet I think it's mostly just in my own defensive brain. 

It reminds me of a key moment in my childhood. I was watching Duck Soup, the Marx Brother's movie. At one point Groucho is waiting for a rival to show up to apologize for a tiff that happened between them. While he's waiting he starts to worry about the apology. "What if he refuses to shake my hand?" he says. "What if, in front of all these people, he humiliates me by not shaking my hand?" He gets himself so worked up that when the other fellow arrives and holds out his hand to shake, Groucho shouts at him, "How dare you refuse to shake my hand!" and storms out.

Watching this as a child I didn't get it. I turned to my mother and said, "That's so silly. No one would ever do that in real life."

And she said, "It happens all the time."

I Need Some Inspiration

Usually I scroll through Facebook or Pinterest for some feel-good pictures and words.

Lately, though, it seems like there's nothing but politics and that just raises my blood pressure!

Then I realized that you guys are a great resource.

What are your favorite quotes, sayings, or readings that you turn to to help you see the bigger picture and remember Truth?

Share in the comments!

UPDATE: Thank you, thank you, thank you :) I really appreciate all the suggestions and places to find inspiration. 

Dreams Are Plaguing Me

Growing up I was told not to put any stock in dreams. They're nothing and you can get distracted from your purpose by trying to find meaning in them.

Yet I feel like there has to be something more to them than just the mind churning through influences of the day.

We still don't really know why we dream or why dreams are common among many animals. One theory is that they help us test things out before actually doing them. I don't know. I feel like if that were true, we would remember them better.

My experience with dreams has been becoming more intense lately.

To start out with, most of my dreams are very true to life. They are believable and realistic and about normal, every day activities. I tend to remember many of my dreams fairly well. There are some common themes, including the popular: dreaming that I'm going about errands while completely naked.

I noticed something a while back, which is that I often have trouble with my eyes in dreams. My eyes will be closed and I won't be able to get them open, or the lids will be very heavy, or I won't be able to raise my gaze or turn my gaze.

Sometimes this clues me in that I'm dreaming. More often, it just frustrates me. Within the dream I will think: this is something that tends to happen in a dream. Am I dreaming now? And I conclude that I'm not! Everything feels just too real.

Sometimes I force myself to test out whether I'm dreaming by jumping and seeing if I fly. Whenever I do this test, of course I do start flying and I have to acknowledge that it's a dream.

Recently I was having trouble with my vision and realized that it must be a dream, but I wanted to wake up. I really tried hard to wake up and couldn't. I felt trapped and panicked, afraid that I would never wake up. I kept dreaming that I was waking up but the vision problem remained the same. I dreamed I was laying in my own bed. I would try to stand up. Still dreaming. I would try going to the bathroom and splashing water on my face. Still dreaming. It was terrifying!

Shortly after that I had a dream where I was talking to my boyfriend while organizing a closet. I told him about how to tell that I wasn't dreaming. I know this isn't a dream, I said, because I have all my senses. I can feel the clothes that I'm touching, I can smell and hear and come into the present moment right here. But I was dreaming.

I had a similar conversation with a good friend in a dream later.

It reminds me of a Dr Who episode where Amy and Rory and the 11th Doctor are trying to figure out which reality is real and which is a dream. Each time they wake up to the other reality, they are absolutely convinced that the one they are in is the real one.

That's how I feel.

After I wake up, it's obvious it was a dream. While I'm experiencing it, it is so real that I refuse to believe that it's a dream. (Although I'm lucid dreaming more and more lately).

And I wonder if that's the point.

This is what the test is. Not to try out different experiences before trying them in real life, but to have a frame of reference for how what we think of as "real life" is actually a dream. A slightly different kind of dream, as its designed to last some 80 years rather than a few hours.

Being a Hindu is a Privledge

It should be, anyway.

But like with any word or label, almost anyone can claim it.

It's so difficult to define what Hinduism is.

Because even if we come up with a definition that includes things like follows vedic principles, harms none, etc., there will still be mean-spirited, angry people who were born Hindu and will therefore also claim to be Hindu. And of course they are.

Even people who take, as Andrea M. said to me the other day, only the worst parts of Indian culture call themselves Hindu.

If people who act in anger to hurt and defile others can call themselves Hindu, then I certainly can!
If people who kill their own children for being defiant can call themselves Hindus, then I certainly can!

Christians  have this issue as well. Each sect with its different beliefs is frustrated that others with different values and beliefs can use the same label. For example, I see frustration from liberal Christians who know that people like me are very put off by the word "Christian" just because we associate it only with the people who believe that I'm evil and going to hell. The word "Christian" has a bad connotation for many people (And of course a great one for others).

"Hindu" is the same way. Some people will associate that with radicals. Others will associate it with unfortunate news stories. And others, like me, are proud to be Hindu and associate it with the highest calling and purpose in life.

No one owns the word.Which is a shame in some ways and a good thing in other ways!

Maybe I'll Say I'm Going to Temple Later...?

I should probably stop obsessing over clothes!

I couldn't wait for an opportunity to wear this sari! My mom gave me a bag of unwanted saris from a friend. This one came with a pink, poofy-sleeved blouse that was very dated. I just swapped it for a white blouse I already had and it's perfect. I love it.

Unfortunately the picture does not do it justice. You can't really see that there are flowers made of pink beads all over it. And it flows so beautifully.

Ran into an Indian guy at the accountant's office today and he said, "Beautiful sari" as I passed. He did look a tiny bit stunned, though.

It's perhaps more of a spring look rather than a fall one, but hey, whatever :)

Something I love about blogging is the exchange of ideas and the opportunity to explore new thoughts by talking with each other. Andrea M. has a great post today about how we learn about new cultures.

Another Take on Clothes

My Next Life posted the link for this article in the comments section of yesterday's post. Very appropriate subject! It wonders why clothing creates so much scandal.

Some months ago, I began to wear a certain sartorial item that I had long admired. That I was turned away from two stores when I tried to purchase the said item should have given me a clue about what was to follow. Still, purchase it I did, for myself, for no reason other than that I found it beautiful.
The humble metti, nuptial toe-rings, were by far the most subversive thing that I – doyenne of firetruck-red lipstick, leopard-print thigh-highs and strapless sari blouses – had ever worn.
“What next? If thaalis were ‘pretty’ would you wear one too?” snapped someone.
“You’re not supposed to!” exclaimed another. Such a simple condemnation. Supposed

http://sharanyamanivannan.wordpress.com/2012/01/27/toi-idiva-are-women-now-becoming-unafraid-of-controversy/

Interesting to note that Indian girls are not free from the controversy of choosing to do Indian things in new ways.

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