The White Hindu

Working on a New Book

2012-01-27T10:02:00.000-05:00

Things have been quiet in this corner of the Internet, but I wanted to let you all know that my life is going at a frantic pace and I have lots of projects going on!

The most exciting is that I'm still working on the novel that I described a while back. It will be a new take on the Indian-American experience novel. In mine, the young Indian-American woman having an identity crisis discovers that her family is not actually Indian at all.

It's still in early stages as I try to work out plot kinks, but hopefully by the end of 2012 it will be published and I will be sure to let you know when it's available! :)

An Honor

2011-12-09T14:09:00.000-05:00

As you may know, I am a big fan of Hinduism Today, the magazine.

I just found out that this blog has been mentioned in the latest issue's Digital Dharma section! I am so thrilled and flattered.

Here is the link: http://www.hinduismtoday.com/modules/smartsection/item.php?itemid=5228

Bamboo Thoughts is also mentioned!

Totally cool. That made my day.

Happy Diwali!

2011-10-26T09:17:00.002-04:00

दीपावली की शुभकामनाएं

Hope everyone is enjoying the holiday :)

My Hindi Resources

2011-09-10T22:53:00.004-04:00

I made a new page to house all my Hindi learning resources. I hope it will be easier to navigate and more fun than just my long list of links buried in the archive!

http://www.squidoo.com/hindi-how-i-learned

My Parents' Guru

2011-08-30T09:36:00.000-04:00

I was startled to find out that my parents' guru, Sri Bharati Tirtha, is being featured in Hinduism Today as Hindu of the Year! This is the man that we went to India to see. We spent a week at his ashram and went to see him two to three times a day (well, my parents did. I went once a day, occasionally two).

It's here! The book is here!

2011-07-08T12:28:00.003-04:00

It is available both in print and in Kindle

In Print $14.99
In Print at Amazon $14.99
Kindle $3.99

Eventually it will be on all ebook formats. It is over 400 pages long! So, that's a lot of material that's probably much easier to read in book format than digging through this website.

It would be so awesome if all the regulars here would head over to Amazon and write some reviews! :D There is also a Facebook fan page! And, you know, tell all your friends!

The blog itself will no longer be active. I may, perhaps, occasionally post something that catches my attention, but for the most part I will stop posting. I have come to a point where I have said what I wanted to say, I have engaged and discussed with you all, and arrived happily at a place where I am content with my religion, no longer feeling any need to prove myself to anyone.

I believe the book will be valuable for others who are following a similar path to mine. If you are newly arrived here, all the information is in the archives, but the book packages it together in an easier to manage format.

For all my wonderful friends here, thank you! Thank you for your support and kindness and engagement with this subject.

I love you.

Ambaa

Book Imminent

2011-07-01T15:25:00.003-04:00

I have been busy, busy, busy preparing to turn this blog into a book. There's a lot of formatting and referencing and such to do. It should be done very soon, so stay tuned! :D

Also get updates (and make me happy!) by "liking" the Facebook page:

Clothes and Politics

2011-06-24T09:48:00.002-04:00

It turns out, apparently women's clothes is symbolic and a topic for debate and difficulty. I was chatting with a guy recently who said that he noticed from my blog that I wear Indian clothes frequently and that he wasn't sure, as a feminist, how he felt about that.

I don't tend to think about the political implication of my clothes.

I wear clothes because they suit my mood, they make me feel a certain way (elegant or cute or graceful), they are pretty, they are comfortable.

But clothes have other meanings, particularly female's clothes. Clothes can be a sign of oppression, they can be forced on a woman (such as a burka, or Hindu daughters-in-law who can be required to wear sari).

When I get dressed, I never worry about those things. I'm not a very political person, I guess. I just do my thing and I don't always see the big implications of it.

I don't believe that salwar kameez are clothes of female oppression, what do you think?

To avoid forcing women to wear certain types of clothes, doesn't it make sense to allow us to wear what we like best? Are there reasons not to do this?

For me, the clothes of oppression are the ankle length skirts that I used to wear in SES. I still sometimes wear ankle-length skirts, but it's rare. I only own two now, when that used to be my entire wardrobe. I've never forgotten the humiliation of being sent back to my room to change when I wore a skirt I borrowed from my mother that was mid-calf length instead of all the way to my ankles.

I don't want it to sound like I'm upset by this, I just thought it was an interesting topic to talk about!

Edited to Add: Picture of me at work today, this kurta is from my trip to India and the biggest problem with it is that it makes me look fat!

More on Hindi

2011-06-03T08:01:00.001-04:00

It is ridiculously frustrating that I've been studying a language for two years, and steadily studying it, and still can only say very basic things.

However, languages are not easy to learn, particularly for someone who has only one language.

I think perhaps I need to let go of the goal of speaking and focus on a goal of understanding. If I take the pressure off myself to produce something and just be happy with how much my ability to understand is improving, maybe someday, after a lot of listening, I'll begin to be able to speak.

I've wanted so badly to be bilingual, and I chose this language because it's one that would have practical purpose in my life!

I will attempt some more simple sentences at some point soon, but I'm going to try not to get angry with myself when they're wrong!

Hindi Practice

2011-06-02T10:16:00.001-04:00

My Hindi learning has slowed way down. It's hard to maintain enthusiasm across the long haul of getting fluent. I'm at a point where I can understand the gist of a lot that I hear, but that's about it and it's not good enough!

Sometime I would like to do is start writing a few posts or parts of posts in Hindi for practice. I tried doing this through lang-8, a website designed for you to write in your target language and get corrections, but I feel frustrated there that I can't explain myself in English. I don't trust the corrections I'm getting because there is no "why" included.

So I'm going to occasionally post little stories and things in Hindi and if you know the language, feel free to correct my usage in the comments, and it would be really helpful to say something like "the reason for this correction is that 'ki' is only used for..." etc. But I trust you guys to be making changes based on real need, rather than on cosmetics.

When I do Hindi posts, I'll plan to also do English posts with them.

So, here we go...

अब जो गर्मियों में यहाँ है, मैं बाहर व्यस्त हूँ. पिछले शनिवार मैं दोस्त के साथ चिड़ियाघर के पास गए. मैं धूप की कालिमा है.

कल रात मैं अच्छा आदमी के साथ रात का खाना खाया. मैं भी कल उसे देखती हूँ.

Review: The Jedi and the Lotus

2011-05-31T14:00:00.000-04:00

This book was not what I was expecting.

I have long been telling people that the religious aspects of the Star Wars movies (as least the original ones) are based on Hindu philosophy. I point out the direct quotes from the Gita that Yoda spouts. I vaguely try to explain how the force is very much related to the Hindu idea of all things being connected by energy.

When I was sent this book, The Jedi and the Lotus, to review, I expected to find a few more tidbits to support my assertions at parties. I thought it would support a fun little preoccupation, but it is so much more than that.

This little book is much denser and more heavily researched than I anticipated. It is packed with fascinating information. More than just showing how Star Wars was influenced by Hinduism, it takes beliefs and experiences from Eastern philosophy and shows how both Star Wars and Hinduism support them. It goes into tremendous depth.

There is an introduction about Joseph Campbell and his connection to the making of Star Wars and there are quotes from George Lucus, but it is also full of footnotes and research and information about some of the most advanced and mystical of the Hindu practices.

Chapters are subtitled: "Star Wars and Brahman," "Nature in Hinduism and in Star Wars," "Spaceships and the Vedic Literature" and more.

This book is a really fascinating read and I definitely recommend it. It is much bigger than it appears at first!

Religious Compatibility

2011-05-23T07:32:00.000-04:00

http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/how-races-and-religions-match-in-online-dating/

I've been noticing ever since I started dating ten years ago that I have the most successful dates and relationships with atheist men. According to the research at OkCupid, that appears to be the most successful match for Hindu women in general! I never would have guessed that.

In fact, from their study, there is mutual dislike between Hindu males and Hindu females! I don't know much about statistics and getting meaning out of data like this, but I wonder if its source has something to do with that. Perhaps traditional Hindus are highly unlikely to be on OkCupid looking for a match!

Apparently this might also mean that Hindu men are much more difficult to please, have stricter requirements for dates (and apparently Muslim men and women as well). That's what I gathered from OkCupid's own analysis.

End Times

2011-05-22T13:16:00.000-04:00

I don't know if this was advertised heavily around the world, but in America, some very vocal people had the idea that "the rapture" was going to take place last night. For those who don't know, the Rapture is a Christian concept that towards the end of the world the good Christians will be taken up into heaven in their bodies and the "sinners" will be left behind in a world of horrible disaster for several months until the whole world destroys itself. People have been trying to predict when this end time will be ever since a few years after the death of Christ. People in Paul's time actually believed the world would end in their lifetimes. 2,000 years later the world hasn't ended yet.

I was at a party last night. Several Jewish and atheist friends, so when 6:00 came, we checked online to see if there were any reports of people floating into the air, since certainly none of us were going to be raptured! It seems it didn't happen. Either that or there isn't a single worthy person on the entire planet.

I was pretty relaxed, considering that Hindu mythology also predicts an end of the world and we have several thousand more years to go. Also, Hindu time works in circles, so the end of the world is simply the beginning of a period of rest and then the creation will spring forth again in the golden age.

There are some striking similarities between Hindu myths about the end times and Christian myths. In Hinduism, when things in the Kali Yuga (the final age) get as bad as they can get, it is an avatar of Vishnu who will appear, known as Kalki.

"When the practices taught in the Vedas and institutes of law have nearly ceased, and the close of the Kali age shall be nigh, a portion of that divine being who exists of His own spiritual nature, and who is the beginning and end, and who comprehends all things, shall descend upon earth. He will be born in the family of Vishnuyasha, an eminent brahmana of Shambhala village, as Kalki, endowed with eight superhuman faculties. By His irresistible might he will destroy all the mlecchas (Barbarians) and thieves, and all whose minds are devoted to iniquity. He will reestablish righteousness upon earth, and the minds of those who live at the end of the Kali age shall be awakened, and shall be as clear as crystal. The men who are thus changed by virtue of that peculiar time shall be as the seeds of human beings, and shall give birth to a race who will follow the laws of the Krita age or Satya Yuga, the age of purity. As it is said, 'When the sun and moon, and the lunar asterism Tishya, and the planet Jupiter, are in one mansion, the Krita age shall return.'" (Vishnu Purana, Book Four, Chapter 24)

As with some Christian sects, there are Hindus trying to predict the exact time of the end of the Kali Yuga and they do a lot of cross referencing of ancient texts. Personally, I don't think it's important. I will continue to live as dharmically as I can and knowing when the end of the world is will not change much for me, I don't think.

Looking for Signs

2011-05-10T13:29:00.000-04:00

I have a bad habit of trying to find a deeper meaning to random little occurrences. I think this is a natural human tendency, our brains like to find patterns. Also, it's so difficult to not be in control of life, so we assign meanings to things to make us feel like everything is operating as it should and something in the universe has our best interests at heart. At least, I do that.

I do believe in karmic consequence, everything happens for a reason, all that stuff. But is it a sign from God if you, for example, get a good parking space? Is there a deeper meaning to finding the color placemat you were hoping for at Home Goods?

An example of how this thinking has gotten me into trouble:

A few years ago I was over at a new guy's house for the first time and I felt incredibly nervous, I realized very suddenly that I was in over my head and I had gone too far too fast with him. But then a song that I love came on the radio. I felt more relaxed immediately and every time I felt panic in that relationship, I thought of that song unexpectedly playing and convinced myself that it had been a sign. That relationship was very bad and never should have gone past the first date.

When I meet a new guy, I look for stupid, weird things that we have in common rather than the important things to have in common! Maybe it's from reading too many romantic stories, but I put too much weight on something like we have names that start with the same letter or we have the same color car. (Those are not real examples, but that's the idea).

I'm trying not to look for signs in everything, not to think that little coincidences are God trying to tell me something!

A Facebook friend recently wrote: Is there really such a thing as "signs"??

Several people made jokes about street signs, but I said: Every time I think something is a "sign" from the universe, I end up making a really bad decision based on it.

I can't live my life based on what I think are "signs." Maybe there really are signs, but my ability to correctly interpret them is clearly broken!

What do you think?

Blogger Meetup!

2011-05-08T13:42:00.000-04:00

HappyGoth of Also Hindu and I met up this weekend!

She and I are both knitters as well as non-Indian Hindus and we stopped in at the giant Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival.

It was so much fun to get to see HappyGoth in person and get a sense for what she's really like beyond the computer screen. I've met people from the Internet several times and it's always interesting to see how they are the same and different from what you expect.

HappyGoth, it was great getting to meet you! I hope to talk to you again soon :)

May the Fourth

2011-05-04T10:53:00.001-04:00

If I had realized that today was Star Wars day, I would have hurried up on my Jedi and the Lotus review! Darn, I had no idea until Facebook told me this morning.

Respect and Empathy

2011-05-02T08:52:00.000-04:00

[Well, I didn't go to the Ganga-ji talk. Sorry, guys. I was exhausted. Lately I've had things I need to do every night of the week. I keep trying to cut back, but something always seems to come up to fill the blank spaces.]

I got an email recently from someone reading my episode about Glee and it's portrayal of religion and atheism. This person is an atheist and said that when he first saw the post he was afraid that it was just going to complain about the lack of Hinduism on Glee. He was surprised by the respect I have for atheism as a valid choice in life and asked why I am not an atheist if I hold such a view.

I thought that was a very interesting question.

First because I think it is sad that people do not expect respect or empathy from religious people. People expect me to think only of my personal interest, my own religion, and leave everyone else to fend for themselves for respect.

Second is the idea that if we understand something, would we become it?

I am definitely not an atheist. I respect many atheists for reasons that they probably would not be comfortable with! To some extent one can only see the world in his or her particular way, and so we find strategies to help us try to understand they way the people around us see it.

I have dear friends who are atheists and I've found them to be moral people, with a strong sense of dharma that comes from within. To my mind, they are close to Truth because they feel the divinity of the universe within themselves rather than without. They might be highly offended by that view!

People who are invested in the idea of Christianity being the only truth sometimes see my religious behavior and justify to themselves how I seem to be a moral person on a good track by thinking that worshiping Krishna is just another name for worshiping Jesus (it's not, but I know people who have used that logic in order to accept me).

Even if atheism is not at all similar to how I see it, I still believe that people who choose it deserve respect. Something along the lines of: "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." --Evelyn Beatrice Hall, on Voltaire's philosophy. It might not be my philosophy, but everyone has the right to find and practice his own philosophy. I would not want that taken away from anyone for the simple reason that my right could then be taken away from me.

I guess in terms of proselytizing I look at it like the airplane announcement about the oxygen masks. Put your own mask on first before attempting to help others. I will work on my own life, work on freeing my own soul and then I will be able to see more clearly how I can help others.

Coming Soon

2011-04-29T13:36:00.000-04:00

Coming soon from The White Hindu...

1) I was sent a review copy of a book called The Jedi and the Lotus, all about exactly how Hinduism was used in the Star Wars series. Hinduism is all over the jedi "religion" and I'm excited to find out the inspirations and how that came to be. So, I'll be posted a review of that when I finish it.

2) There's a new group creating a website based on celebrating the diversity of religion in America. I've written a short piece for them about how Hinduism helps make America great. I'll let you know when that's live. (Word of warning, I only had 750 words to work with, so I had to simply a bit)

3) Tonight is the talk and meditation seminar with the woman known as Ganga-ji. I'm stressed and wiped out and don't want to go, but that's an excellent reason to go! So I'll try to drag myself over there :)

Goodbye to Sathya Sai Baba

2011-04-25T16:58:00.000-04:00

Spiritual guru Sathya Sai Baba died yesterday after a long illness. I don't know too much about him or his teachings, but I've heard him mentioned several times.

He was, it seems, one who believes that all religions lead to the same God, and hence no one need leave the religion of his/her birth. It is unclear to me whether no one *needing* to leave the religion of his birth is the same as no one *should* leave the religion of his birth. I'd have to do more reading to figure that out. "Sathya Sai Baba said that his followers do not need to give up their original religion, saying 'my objective is the establishment of sanatana dharma, which believes in one God as propitiated by the founders of all religions. So none [sic] has to give up his religion or deity.'" -http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sathya_Sai_Baba#Beliefs_and_practices_of_devotees

According to the same source his followers report that he performed miracles and caused objects to manifest. He also faced criticism based on sexual abuse allegations. It seems that he predicted his own death, but incorrectly. This page (http://www.sathyasai.org/swamihealth/swamiage.htm) goes through a lot of hoop jumping to make it sound like he wasn't wrong. Altogether, sounds like the arch-type of the modern Hindu guru.

This explanation of his teachings is quite lovely and I certainly could not disagree:

Sathya Sai Baba -- His Message http://www.sathyasai.org/intro/message.htm

Sathya Sai Baba encourages us to recognize who we are. We are not these minds. We are not these bodies. We are the eternal spirit that temporarily occupies these minds and bodies. We can appreciate and become who we really are by turning inward with faith in God and an intense yearning to know Him. Our conscience is a reflection of the eternal spirit. Sathya Sai Baba tells us that our conscience is our master. When we follow our conscience, our thoughts, words, and deeds will be noble and consistent. Spirituality is having the courage and determination to follow our conscience in all things and at all times. In doing so, we recognize that we are all united in God. We are bound together by divine love.

I have come to light the lamp of love in your hearts, to see that it shines day by day with added luster. I have come to tell you of this universal, unitary faith, this spiritual principle, this path of love, this duty of love, this obligation to love. Every religion teaches man to fill his being with the glory of God and to evict the pettiness of conceit. It trains him in the methods of unattachment and discernment, so that he may aim high and attain spiritual liberation. Believe that all hearts are motivated by the one and only God; that all faiths glorify the one and only God; that all names in all languages and all forms man can conceive denote the one and only God. His adoration is best done by means of love. Cultivate that attitude of oneness between men of all creeds and all countries. That is the message of love I bring. That is the message I wish you to take to heart. Sathya Sai Baba

Let the different faiths exist, let them flourish, and let the glory of God be sung in all the languages and a variety of tunes. That should be the ideal. Respect the differences between the faiths and recognize them as valid as long as they do not extinguish the flame of unity. Sathya Sai Baba

Offbeat Marriage Site

2011-04-22T15:31:00.001-04:00

Our friend, Mrs. 4B, had a great interview in a website about "challenging" marriages (i.e., those that are inter-faith, inter-cultural, inter-ability, etc.) I was happy that the site also rightfully pointed out that really any two people from different families are coming from at least subtly different cultures.

Here is Mrs. 4B's interview.

My favorite highlights:

"In retrospect, we look at the wedding as a hurdle we had to jump over. When people ask us about the wedding, we often say that since our marriage survived that wedding, we will be able to get through anything."
...
"We both have our superstitions and little rituals that make us comfortable, whether it’s my saint medals or the Ganesh idol on our dashboard. Those tend to be the things that show up on a daily basis."
...
"One man openly mocked our marriage and basically called Mr. 4B a race-traitor. Because of social rules about politeness to older people, especially men, we were required to just sit there and take it, even though we were seething."
...
"I think that a lot of the comments I get from her [mother-in-law] as wells as from my husband’s aunts and uncles comes from a deep insecurity about themselves. They are so insecure that they need validation at every level to prove that Maharashtrian culture is better than any other. There are several 'lecture uncles' that I can count on to give me a speech about the superiority of Maharastra or India on any subject from food to women’s rights to dogs. Ever since an uncle got mad at me, in all seriousness, for teaching Chini her commands in English instead of Marathi, I’ve realized how ridiculously insecure he was."
...
"I think that we have both had to become secure and confident in our own beliefs and values. If we both came out of the same culture, we might just do certain things without questioning their value or understanding why we were doing them. When we have a choice between two ways of doing things, we get to make a choice about what works best for us."
...
"Don’t give into the idea that respecting your spouse’s parents or culture means letting them call all the shots or have their way every time. Your partner fell in love with YOU, not a version of you that tries to live up to his parents’ ideas."

I like this website, I think it's a great idea. I am rather disturbed, though, by the woman who runs it and her inconsistent goal.

On the front, the website seems to have the agenda of supporting people in having unified marriages despite coming from very different backgrounds. Once I started to read more, though, there were many posts whose agenda was to push a Biblical idea of what a good marriage is (and what a good wife is).

The creator of the site is a 7th Day Advantist and instead of letting that be the colorful background of her story of inter-faith marriage and its challenges, she uses Bible quotes to tell us that open marriages are bad and that Evolution is just a theory that shouldn't be taught in schools. (Not that I would want an open marriage, but I fully support people who choose to do that. I can't know what works best and makes the most sense for everyone).

I hope that the site will grow more towards showcasing many different couples and how they make inter-something marriages of all kinds work.

ETA:
I just went back over there and my comments on a couple posts that she seemed to be proselytizing her views rather than giving an honest discussion of offbeat marriages were erased and she added this:

"P.S. Some of my writings and advice are influenced by my Christian point of view. I hope you still find them helpful even if you aren’t a Christian and pick up the ones that can possibly be applied to you."

I thought I made good and rational comments, particularly on her post about whether to raise her children believing in Creationism as she does or in Evolution as her husband does. Rather than actually create a plan for what they will teach their children, she just spends the whole post talking about why she's right. Doesn't seem like good advice for a fair marriage to me...

But I also don't want to be mean to her, as it does seem like her heart is in the right place and she's working on building something wonderful and valuable.

Who knows GangaJi?

2011-04-22T10:20:00.000-04:00

I just got a notification that my Hindi meetup group is going to a meditation event given by Gangaji, so I went to the website and saw a white woman.

I have never heard of this woman, but I'm intrigued, so I think I'll go to the event and see what it's all about. The event is next Friday evening.

Here is her website
And some quick info:

"Antoinette (Toni) Roberson Varner was given the name Gangaji by her teacher H.W.L. Poonja in 1990. Before that meeting, she had spent decades searching for lasting happiness.

Gangaji shares a simple message-This is an invitation to shift your allegiance from the activities of your mind to the eternal presence of your being. Gangaji travels the world speaking to seekers from all walks of life. A teacher and author, she shares her direct experience of the essential message she received from Papaji and offers it to all who want to discover a true and lasting fulfillment. Through her life and words, she powerfully articulates how it is really possible to discover the truth of who you are and to be true to that discovery."

This should be a great example of how Hinduism is universal, available for all people of all races because underneath our ethnicities, we have the same soul.

My Favorite Thing

2011-04-20T09:50:00.000-04:00

There's nothing more satisfying and enjoying than a discussion of religion between two curious and open-minded people.

I love to talk spirituality with people!

On Monday night I was invited to a Passover Seder at my best friend's house. Jewish religious events are the one time that I'm willing to drink alcohol, incidently. I hate the taste of all alcohol (and actually juice, milk, coffee, and tea as well), so for the four official "cups" of wine for Passover, I take itty-bitty sips!

Anyway, that's beside the point. During dinner I was seated next to a friend of a friend whom I've met, but not really spoken to. Somehow (because I'm great at causing this) the subject of religion came up (hey, we were at a religious event!).

We ended up having a fantastic discussion about spirituality. I was energized and riveted. He told me about his spiritual journey, his own self-discovery, as well as how he and his wife thought about how to raise their future children.

There is nothing more interesting to me. It was a great Passover experience!

Made It

2011-04-11T11:18:00.000-04:00

As I frequently say, life is a journey and I doubt I will ever arrive at a destination in my process of learning and questioning and growing. I'm not interested in locking down answers, I am interested in always being open to new ways of understanding.

However, in terms of the cultural confusion that this blog started over, there are ways in which I feel that I have achieved something. My experiences now are different than they were when it comes to interacting with the world at large.

A year ago when I wore a sari to an event, someone would hustle me into the bathroom and redo my pleats. This year I got asked to dress other women in saris, both for the Bollywood party and my own mom for going to an ashram.

A year ago I felt self-conscious about my wearing Indian clothes. This year an Indian girl told me that I had such ease with them that she could tell I wore them frequently.

Last week I went to FedEx for work and I was wearing my professional looking gray salwar kameez. The blonde woman behind the desk asked if I was wearing Indian clothes and we started chatting. It turned out her husband is Indian and she showed me a picture of her beautiful teenage daughter.

All these examples are about clothes! Sometimes I can be such a girl. But there are other ways in which my life has changed, they just aren't as easy to pin point.

I'm truly living my life from the mindset of being a white Hindu and it's working for me. I feel confident that I belong in the life that I built for myself. I don't apologize and I don't offer explanation for the many Indian aspects of my life (like my white board at work where I track my projects in Hindi!)

The Presence of God

2011-04-10T09:01:00.001-04:00

No matter what I go through in life, no matter the pain or the joy or the brain chemistry being messed with by PMS, I always feel a solid presence beside me.

I'm wondering if this experience is unusual or if it's what most people feel and maybe label it differently.

I constantly feel a conscious force around me, particularly just to my right side, but it spreads out from there to encompass everything. It doesn't look like anything, and yet it almost has a personality in my mind. I direct a lot of conversation in my thoughts towards it.

Because of this presence I feel self-conscious even when I'm alone in my apartment. I know there is something always listening. Not in a creepy or upsetting way, just in a way that I can see how crazy I'm being because there is a calm and unflappable aura next to me that reflects back to me how I look.

In the past year and a bit as I've mourned the loss of my dear friend, I've been overcome by tears. I tend to cry a lot and it embarrasses me, but I don't feel in control of it at all. However, this crying is huge shaking sobs that I wouldn't want anyone to ever see. I do it in my car or alone in my bed at night. Even then I feel that presence and it looks at me gently, but it knows that grief is temporary, that death is not real, and that these gut-punched, can-barely-breathe sobs that give me headaches are not the ultimate reality.

Never, never, never have I had a time when that feeling of a presence nearby has been gone. I felt it when I was a small child and played by myself for hours and hours. I've always felt it and maybe that's why faith comes as naturally to me as breathing.

I recognized this feeling in Wise Blood by Flannery O'Connor* (one of my all time favorite writers). Her character has a different response to it than I do. "[Jesus moves] from tree to tree in the back of his mind, a wild ragged figure motioning him to turn around and come off into the dark..." Hazel Motes feels that Jesus is haunting him, a figure in the woods, always just behind him. He is determined to reject this figure that follows him.

On the other hand, I have always felt that presence as comforting, strong, steady, and loving. I don't know what it is or why I feel it, but I give it the name of God and no amount of despair in my heart ever causes it to waver.

*[This book is very complex and cannot really be broken down and analyzed without spending months at it, so I'm skeptical of the summaries and reviews I see of it online, I feel that they are mostly all missing the point. O'Connor is a very unusual writer and her work defies easy description.]

Lack of Confusion

2011-04-05T14:53:00.000-04:00

Another lesson that I can't control how others see me, Tandava let me know that someone on his blog said that I seem confused a lot!

This was my response:

I just like to ponder a lot. I wouldn’t say that I’m confused.

I have a lot of knowledge and I’m always trying to work at how to apply that knowledge to life, just as we all do.

As I always say, that’s just part of the journey!

I never want to assume that I know something and then stop thinking about it and stop revising my thoughts and opinions, I don’t sit back and rest on one achievement or one thought, I’m always rethinking and reworking my life to try to get the most out of it.

Actually, my lack of confusion is one of the reasons that this blog has slowed down quite a bit. I had a lot to say at first, but now that more than a year has gone by, I feel that I've addressed most of my issues and worries.

I've settled into a comfortable relationship with my spirituality and my cultural behavior.

I'm sure every once in a while I will still find things to say and have opinions about, but it's going to be few and far between, I believe.

To those just starting on the path, you can see that the self-consciousness fades and the fears fade and then you just have yourself, doing what feels right.

Foundation

2011-03-30T10:15:00.000-04:00

Some interesting discussion is going on in the comments of the Unhappiness post. As I said yesterday, I've been working through some things from my past and still in the middle of a journey on that.

I really want to tear back everything and go back to the beginning, back to basics. What do I believe? Why do I believe it? Why is my spiritual life so important to me? What do I hope to gain in the living of my life?

Why do people start on a spiritual journey?

Why did you start yours...?

Seen and Heard

2011-03-29T13:41:00.000-04:00

Just like the column in one of my celebrity gossip magazines, Seen and Heard is little snippets of spirituality in unexpected places of every day life and just things that resonated with me.

My dad downloaded some spiritual lectures that Oprah has been doing and I listened to the beginning of one today. A Catholic priest on her panel said, "The idea that God is separate from us, and that we are separate from each other, is an illusion." A Catholic said this! I'm looking forward to listening to more.

I've been reading Amy Tan's The Kitchen God's Wife, and it's quite excellent. As I try to navigate moving away from my parents and their spirituality and into my own life and my own understanding, one quote that really stood out to me was this:

"I no longer denied I was betraying my father. I no longer looked for excuses. I knew what I was doing was both true and wrong. I could not make just one choice, I had to make two: Let me live. Let my father die. Isn't that how it is when you must decide with your heart? You are not just choosing one thing over another, you are choosing what you want. And you are also choosing what somebody else does not want, and all the consequences that follow." p. 360

Even though my choice is not nearly as dramatic, I also have that sense of my choices not just effecting me.

*************

I've been quiet lately because I've been dealing with and processing some things to do with my past. I'm not sure of my thoughts and feelings on the subject, and it is closely connected to my spiritual growth, so I'll need some time to sort through it all.

The Right to Unhappiness

2011-03-25T10:30:00.000-04:00

I was chatting today with an Internet friend and our conversation left me with a sense of revelation. This might sound stupid or obvious, but...

There are no rules. There is no answer.

I've said similar things before, but never felt it on a gut level like this. My life has been consumed with rules trying to achieve the goal of enlightenment: I should be kind, I should be generous, I should be a vegetarian, I should meditate, I should eat healthy, I should read scriptures, etc. Should, should, should.

Why?

To be happy. That's the reason for all the advice and all the religions and all the philosophies. We want to be happy. But what's so important about being happy? Should not being happy fill us with guilt?

If you want to be unhappy, that's okay. It isn't a crime. We tend to feel like we're bad ppeople if we're not doing everything possible to be completely happy at all times.

What's wrong with bring unhappy? It's just a feeling, feel it if you want to.

If you want to be happy then take advice into consideration, try out the practices and see what works. But remember that the reason you do things is to be happy. So you keep trying things until you find what causes you to feel deep, content joy and bliss.

Fun Next Week

2011-03-23T14:25:00.000-04:00

I'm excited about an event next weekend. There's a benefit dance happening that my boss is inviting everyone at the company to and it turns out, it's Bollywood themed!

Quite unexpected. I went to talk to the guy who is organizing it and when he found out that I owned saris, he set me up to lend them out to the ladies in the neighborhood and teach them how to wear them.

I love an opportunity to get decked out in my Indian finery!

There will be Indian food and Bollywood music and dancing. I'm going to have to go on YouTube and try to learn some appropriate Indian social dancing, bharatnatyam is little good in those situations.

I'll post pictures afterwards (and if anyone is in Maryland and would like to go, send me an email and I'll tell you where to get tickets)

Hindi Teacher Over Skype

2011-03-21T13:39:00.000-04:00

This is a bit of an advertisement, please forgive me! But I actually was getting tutored by this woman for a while and found it really a neat way to learn.

We would set up Skype sessions and she teaches from India to anywhere in the world. Her rates were very reasonable too.

She just told me about her webpage, so I wanted to share it with you all in case anyone else was interested in learning Hindi:

http://talkingbees.com

She also teaches Bengali.

Pass this on to anyone you think might benefit from it! Thanks :)

Holi Recap

2011-03-20T14:56:00.000-04:00

Holi was pretty good, I drove a little over an hour to the temple in VA where Hindi Day had been. There was food, and stands and performances of folk and classical dance.

I dragged along a Jewish friend, but I didn't know anyone else. As it turns out, it's a bit hard to get into the spirit of throwing colored powder at complete strangers.

Next year I think I'll hit the Hari Krishna temple with my friend K.

Happy Holi!

2011-03-18T07:55:00.000-04:00

http://www.sikhchic.com/cartoon.php?id=77&pid=15

Tomorrow is Holi, probably my favorite holiday. I've been invited to an event at a temple in VA, I need to call them today to make sure that there will be colors!

Gods and Goddesses- examples of perfect relationships?

2011-03-17T15:26:00.000-04:00

I met some new people last week and we went out to dinner for a birthday. They were all Hindu Indians by birth, but felt that they didn't know as much about it as they would like.

One thing that I found interesting was that one girl said that she was frustrated with the way men treated her and she thought they should take some lessons from the Gods and Goddesses. She thought men should learn from the Gods how to treat a lady.

I'm not so sure.

The Goddesses in Hindu mythology are strong women, very admirable. The Gods are also full of wonderful qualities. But when I look at some of the relationships between them, it doesn't look like what I'd want!

Take Radha and Krishna, the number one example of perfect love (and often used as a metaphor for the soul and God being united). Radha is frequently alone, waiting for Krishna to return. There's no cell phones, so she just pines after him and is constantly waiting for him to deign to show up. She also shares him with many other adoring women! (Technically Radha is not a Goddess, but she does fit into this example well).

In a lot of the stories about Goddesses, like with Shiva and Parvati, I see the females being supportive, kind, loving, generous, and going above and beyond to help the Gods. In return they often seem to be ignored, their desires shrugged off, and they have to take matters into their own hands to get what they want. The Gods fear the wrath of the Goddesses, but I don't know if I think of that as a loving thing.

I don't know, what do you think? Do the relationships between divinities mirror what we should desire for our human relationships?

Addressing Comments

2011-03-14T18:39:00.000-04:00

First off I want to say that some people are having trouble leaving comments and I am working on fixing that! I want everyone to be able to comment, but I hope to do that without turning off the comment moderation.
*****

There have been some new comments on old posts that I wanted the chance to address. I don't mean to pick on you, alnguyen, and this isn't criticism at all, just want to open up the discussion.

alnguyen said...
I want to address the problem of caste. It's not politically correct to recommend this but for a western woman I think the solution is to marry a Hindu man. When you marry a Hindu man you marry into his caste. Since you embrace the Hindu way of life I'm sure his family will embrace you as a real Hindu. I'm in the software engineering field. I have many Indian buddies with gori wives and these ladies are integrated into the Hindu communities of their husbands. To me the Hindu way is not primarily an individual religion. It's primarily a communal religion. If you want to enjoy the full benefits of the Hindu way join a Hindu family and community through marriage. Why not? You can have a dharmic life together, enjoy artha and kama, and raise a family.

This is a good thought, and one that I've had myself. I'm still in the process of figuring out what I hope future marriage will do for me, and until I can decide that, I can't decide whether to marry purely for the social benefits.

I have concerns about marrying someone purely for his race, which I've written about before. Part of it is that I don't like the idea of people assuming that I became a Hindu for my (hypothetical) husband. It bothers me that people would see me as an extension of his Hinduism and not my own experience of the religion. This might be an esoteric and stupid concern, but it is something I think about.

alnguyen said...
My dear you will always be perceived as an outsider unless you marry into an Indian Hindu family. Generally speaking if you marry into a Hindu family the community will see you as one of their own.

Generally indeed. I've seen cases where gori wives are accepted and other cases where they are not, it depends a lot on the family and the actual individuals one encounters. We've seen from some of Mrs. BBBB's posts that marrying into Hinduism doesn't always get you instant acceptance.

However, as time has gone on in the writing of this blog, I have felt a lot of acceptance from the Indians that I know. I think my feelings of being an outsider and not wanted stemmed a lot from my own fears and inner thoughts, and not from reality. I'm pretty comfortable at this point with who I am and how I interact with the world. I no longer feel like I need to prove that I am a Hindu.

[In response to my post about why I don't just marry an Indian man]:
alnguyen said...
With all respect I think you're making a big mistake. Within the Hindu religion marriage is two people following the path of dharma and enjoying artha and kama together. That sharing of a way of life you're going to miss out on. You'll never know the joy of it. Furthermore, you will never be fully accepted into an Indian Hindu community if you marry a white guy. You will always be an outsider. If you're not fully a part of a Hindu community what's the point of trying to be a Hindu? You'll find it empty and void within a few years. Don't make a mistake you're going to regret. You're a very pretty woman. You can get a nice Indian man if you really want to.

Not to be vain, but I do think that I'm beautiful and could land an Indian husband if I tried hard at it. I'm not sure, though, if that's what I want. There are some other factors that come into play that are not related to race and complicate my life, so I'm not sure yet and I'm not going to pursue a husband until I am sure. I don't think that would be fair to the (hypothetical) man. It may end up that it would be better for me to remove myself from family life, that remains to be seen and it is an issue that I'm not comfortable discussing here.

I disagree that lack of acceptance into a Hindu community makes being a Hindu pointless or empty or void and I disagree that I would lose interest.

If you separate Hindu philosophy and beliefs from Indian culture and social tradition, then I've been a follower of Hinduism for 29 years. Most of those years were without a comfortable connection to a Hindu community.

Hinduism is my heart and my soul and it will be whether I am in a community (as I do love to be) or all alone. An ascetic might go into the mountains to meditate alone for years-- though he is not a part of a community, he is still a Hindu.

alnguyen said...
If you marry a non-Hindu man you will give up much that you could have. I encourage you not to follow the advice of people leading you down that path. Having been in software engineering a long time I've known many Indian Hindu men with white wives. You can get a good Hindu man. No problem. btw - what does your mother think about the possibility of you marrying into a Hindu family?

I wrote a comment in response to this:
"My family would like for me to marry an Indian man, I think. I believe they see it as the same solution that you do, to give me legitimacy.

However, I am a Hindu whether I'm married to an Indian or not.

I don't need to prove myself that way."

I know that everyone here wants to help me to feel happy and safe and fulfilled in my life, and it's so lovely to have people care so much that they write comments and give advice. I appreciate you all! I will continue to take all opinions under consideration and ponder whether they feel right for my circumstances or not.

I'm happy to report that for the last several months I have felt comfortable with my religious and cultural behaviors and the sense of being an outsider is mostly faded. I know I'm a bit of an odd duck, and people still look at me like an exhibit in a zoo, but it's all in the fun of the game.

A new western Hindu blog

2011-03-10T21:36:00.000-05:00

Our own zombiedrag.com has started her own blog about western Hinduism!

Check it out at Also Hindu for yet more philosophical pondering!

Secret Thoughts

2011-03-10T11:17:00.000-05:00

Kat found this on PostSecret, which is a place where people let out their secrets anonymously.

I hope that who ever wrote this keeps looking and keeps trying.

It seems to me that whatever religion touches your heart and makes sense to you is the right one for you to follow.

However, it isn't that simple if you worry about your family or other outside factors.

I can say from my own personal experiencing, following your heart and letting go of the fear of what others will think, feels fantastic and makes you a much happier person.

Throwing the Baby Out

2011-03-09T12:15:00.001-05:00

Such a strange expression, throwing the baby out with the bathwater, but that is what I am thinking about today.

This past weekend a friend came over and we watched a movie he likes called The Peaceful Warrior. It is very philosophical, all about how to control our minds and bodies, staying present, the joy of the present moment, that happiness is not found in achievements (i.e., "If I just had this one thing, then I could be happy").

As much as I agree with everything, the whole time we were watching it, my insides were screaming, "I'm not going back into that cage."

I am very resistant to discipline these days.

I was talking to another friend recently, someone with whom I grew up, so having the same background as me. He pointed out some interesting things about our upbringing. For one, something I never thought of before, is that a lot of the discipline that we grew up with was masculine in nature. It was about control over one's emotions and being stoic and immovable.

There is value in those disciplines, but there is also value in the feminine side and that part got left out.

He described the inner being as a marriage between a masculine and a feminine side, we are all always working at keeping a harmonious balance between them within ourselves.

Right now I am needing to explore the creative and the chaotic. I need to find truth for myself, to experience it, rather than believing the things I've always been told. I want to discover for myself whether or not I need the present moment, whether or not meditation benefits my life.

So, for now, I am cutting loose from discipline. I'll come back to it soon and find my balance, I'm sure. I can't tell yet what from my past I want to keep and what I want to get rid of, so I'm throwing it all out and picking back up piece by piece as I find it helpful.

What Won't Aamba Do?

2011-03-08T15:18:00.000-05:00

I don't know the answer to that question yet. What I won't do has not been discovered. Wearing a sari in my regular day life is not that thing!

Here's the photographic evidence that I did indeed wear my sari today:

I went to my therapy appointment, to work, and also to the mall and the grocery store for work errands! No big deal, I could totally do this on a regular basis :)

No one at my office batted an eye at it. They are far too prepared for my eclectic and unusual wardrobe. In the mall we passed a couple of ladies wearing full head coverings and they smiled at me. At one store the girl behind the counter told me she loved what I was wearing.

So all together it was a hit. Next year maybe my female office mates will want to join in, I wish I had thought to bring some extra saris for them to put on!

Yikes, wear your sari to work tomorrow?

2011-03-07T09:26:00.000-05:00

http://malathi-writersblock.blogspot.com/2011/03/why-i-want-to-wear-sari-this-8th-of.html

Ms. Malathi has written this wonderful post about wearing sari and she suggests that we hold our wear a sari to work day March 8th, because apparently it is women's day...? I didn't know that!

Of course, March 8th is tomorrow!

Will I be brave enough to put on a sari for work tomorrow? (Thank goodness it isn't the day of our big presentation).

I'm going to try to do it and I'll get a picture to post here if I do!

By the way, on the subject of clothes, I saw a woman in Wal-mart yesterday wearing a beautiful, bright green and pink salwar kameez and she didn't look Indian at all. She was black, but she could have been mixed race. I didn't get up the courage to go over to her and compliment her outfit. :(

Hindu Terms

2011-03-07T09:15:00.000-05:00

I love when I find someone who has a big problem with Hinduism using its terms. It seems that many Americans now don't know the origin of words like "karma." Below is a quote from a blog that I read occasionally. Its heavy evangelical Christian emphasis is usually too much for me, but there are some useful writing tip gems applicable outside the Christian writing market (why is there an entirely separate market just for Christian writing, anyway?)

Monday, February 28, 2011
Why Men Don't Read Romance

If you're a Christian man who reads Christian fiction, well, you're a dying breed. Call it payback for centuries of misogynist tyranny, but finally karma has caught up. Don't believe me? A stroll down the Religious Fiction aisle will cool your jets, bubba.

Novel Journey

An evangelical Christian believing in karma... hilarious.

Humor: Buddhist

2011-03-06T10:25:00.000-05:00

A friend posted this hilarious video on Facebook. It is about Buddhism, but there is a lot of relevance to Hindus too!

Inter-religious Marriage in India

2011-03-05T11:41:00.000-05:00

The latest Hinduism Today magazine just arrived. There are a number of interesting articles, as usual. On one of the opening pages is a tiny piece about an Indian/non-Indian couple trying to get a divorce.

It sounds like the Delhi high court is questioning whether inter-religious marriages are valid. The man in this couple is Hindu and the woman "claims" to have converted to Hinduism. The Justice said, "a bare declaration that he is a Hindu by a person born in another faith is not sufficient to convert him to Hinduism."

They are requiring documentation or some kind of proof that the woman is a Hindu. This is relevant because there are different marriage laws for Hindus and for other faiths.

I think this court case could have far-reaching effects and I worry what those will be.

Happy Maha Shivaratri

2011-03-03T14:04:00.000-05:00

I was going back through my old posts, thinking I must have said something about this holiday a year ago, yet I can't find anything! I'm sure it's in there somewhere, but I didn't have much of an audience back then.

It's a little later this year than I was expecting, I'm used to it falling in February, but this year it is today, March 3rd.

The title of this festival means "The Great Night of Shiva."

A fast is held through the day, and an all night vigil is held with ongoing pujas.

Here is some information about it:
http://hinduism.about.com/od/festivalsholidays/p/mahashivratri.htm

http://www.mahashivratri.org/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maha_Shivaratri

I don't have time for a long post today, work is very busy, but I wanted to acknowledge this important day and tonight, once everything has settled down, I'll be spending some time meditating on Shiva, the central God on my altar.

Center of the Universe

2011-03-01T12:11:00.000-05:00

It never ceases to interest me how every one of us billions of people has our own world. We can experience the same event, yet have different memories of it, different feelings about it.

We meet so many people in our lives and through one or two degrees touch so many other lives.

All of us billions and we all have an inner self. We all put ourselves in the center of the action and the world around us is like a play starring us. It's so interesting to realize that everyone does this, there are billions of different plays going on all around us.

It's interesting to find that someone who was a huge presence in my life barely remembers me.

A sting to the ego, certainly, but a valuable perspective also, that what I am thinking and experiencing, what is meaningful to me, is being experienced completely differently by the people next to me.

And then it gives me an odd feeling about the solidity of my own existence. How I see myself is so different from how anyone else sees me. Who am I if each person has a different impression of me and what I am like? I am a small player in other people's dramas, or sometimes a large player. I am different to every single person who encounters me.

Fascinating, isn't it?

To Achieve Before Dying

2011-02-28T12:28:00.000-05:00

I worry a lot (actually, I could end the sentence there) about feeling accomplished in my life. I have a fear of dying without feeling satisfied by what my life was.

I've had the sense from the time I was around ten years old of my life draining away. Like in The Last Unicorn (which, if you haven't read it, is an awesome and very philosophical book). The unicorn, who is immortal, has to be disguised in a human body through magic. Her first experience of being human is the feeling of decay, she says she can feel the body dying around her and it terrifies her. (Eventually she spends so much time in the human body that she forgets what she really is and is afraid to go back).

But anyway, this feeling of my life slipping away has made me very ambitious. For some reason, though, we always focus on the things we don't have or haven't done. I've written books and short stories and I've dipped deeply into myself to write about spirituality. I hope that my writing has touched lives and will continue to do so.

It never feels like enough. No matter how much I am doing, it is never good enough. I still panic when I think of facing my deathbed and I don't know what it will take for me to feel at peace with leaving this life.

I had a brief reprieve from it when Ilana died. It seemed that she had done enough in her life, though it wasn't much more than I and I've been granted more time than she. There was a sense of peace with her that she had been wonderful and perfect and done everything she needed to do. (Even though I still wanted her here and could have continued to use her help and advice).

What is enough? How do we learn to feel satisfied with what we've done/are doing?

Feminism

2011-02-25T11:24:00.000-05:00

Mrs. BBBB is at it again with fascinating, thought-provoking posts. Jubeee at My USA Life has also been talking about feminism.

I have a different relationship with feminism, I think. Despite growing up in the 1980s in America, I did not get the same post-70s messages of equality.

I used to be against feminism.

I was taught, and fully believed, that feminists and women who fought against social expectations of them were pathetic, lonely, overly masculine, and would bring only misery to themselves.

I followed the rules. I was a good girl, ready to be quiet and submissive. I saw that as a spiritual practice. I was taught that if I was a good girl, I would get the things I wanted in life: a husband and children and spiritual enlightenment.

Yet here I am, turning 29 in April and I don't have those things. I did everything right and I still somehow became an independent woman, living on my own, with no family. But, as horrified as younger me would be by my life, I like it. I'm happy with my choices. And grateful to have choices, which I came to realize is what feminism is all about.

It hit me hard to realize that the women who end up alone, who don't marry and don't have families, are not always there by choice. It isn't necessarily because they were too focused on a career and let life pass them by or whatever other lies women tell to make themselves feel better about the sad realities around us. Some women want a husband and a family and don't get it. And it's not their fault. There's nothing they should have been doing differently. That is a harsh and difficult idea to swallow. As a society we like to come up with reasons why they ended up that way so that we can avoid those things and be okay. It's how we get kept in line, too. We hear, if you are a good girl and follow the rules, you get satisfaction and fulfillment. If you are fill-in-the-blank-with-any-non-society-approved-personality-trait you will be miserable and alone. So, you better behave yourself.

I bought into that and I worked really hard at being the good girl. I didn't work on a career, I planned to marry and be a stay at home wife. So, here I am almost thirty and I don't have a career or a family, I have nothing but my dog and my soul-searching (which are certainly not bad things to have!)

You will see the words "I was taught" a lot in this post. I'm beginning to understand some of my upbringing as brainwashing.

I wonder if I would still be the way I am now if I had been married off young. They say that if women go unmarried too long they become stubborn, strong-willed and difficult. And I am those things! I wonder if I had married at 18 as planned if my stronger personality still would have shown up and asserted itself at some point. I'm thinking that's why young marriages fail so often. Because becoming strong-willed and stubborn isn't just for single girls, I think it happens to young married girls too just as part of getting older.

I am no longer in touch with the people who taught me these things and I don't know whether the things I think I want are really my wants or what I was told to want. I was taught that women's experience of the divine is through their husbands. Their husbands are their gurus, their husbands are worshiped as their Lord. This was the best kind of woman, she who devoted herself selflessly to her husband with no thought of herself. Like Yajnavalkya's wife Maitreyi, who followed him into a life of poverty to find spiritual wealth.

Selfless service, humility, lack of vanity, silence, lack of opinion. Those were valued qualities in my world. It turns out that I am too big a personality to fit in that box. I always thought I was fitting in the box and I couldn't understand why I was so unhappy.

I wonder if any one of us actually fits into the submissive, good girl box. Some of us have no choice. I'm lucky that I do have choice, even when those close to me say that I should sacrifice personal fulfillment for a socially acceptable match, even when people I trust still say that is the path to spiritual joy. "People do it all the time. What do you think arranged marriage is? It's learning to live with what you've got, not desire more." Stop wanting more, be happy with what we give you.

A strong personality is emerging in me. This is why I go back and forth so much and feel so torn. I have not fully grown into the new person I am discovering within myself.

There's part of me that wants to be patted on the head and praised for being a good girl. But the fact is, no matter how hard I tried to be that girl when I was growing up, I never did it well enough. There was always something I was criticized for, there were no pats on the head, there were only comparisons to other girls who were better than me.

Another personality is showing up as the brainwashing wears off and I think this strong-willed, irreverent, dark-humored person is the real me.

I've fought it all my life because I thought I should be the other one. "Should" doesn't have a place in my life any more. Everything is about what is, not what should be. Yet I don't fully know what that looks like. I am still a people-pleaser, especially with the people who were a strong presence in my childhood. I can't snap my fingers and make that go away.

For Dhurga

2011-02-23T14:36:00.000-05:00

Reader Dhurga is the one who talked me into buying the sari that I wore for the temple dedication. This is the first time I wore it. It's my first sari with a matching blouse!

The Same End

2011-02-22T16:54:00.000-05:00

It was strange to me during this trip to realize that I'm not the only one who has gone this direction with the background I have.

What I mean by that is this:

One of the people we went to India with was a leader in the organization I grew up in. I always found him intimidating and a little scary, didn't really get to know him at all. This trip I got a chance to talk to him and really enjoyed his company.

He has been traveling to India frequently and meeting with the guru there. He said that if he had to give a label for himself, he would consider himself a Hindu. He participates in the culture and does his best to fit in when there.

This all started about seven years ago, which strangely is exactly the same time I started identifying as Hindu.

I was out in California, on my own, and just discovering that my beliefs were Hindu beliefs and beginning to explore Indian culture and trying to figure out where I fit in. At the exact same time, this other person was doing something very similar!

This person totally understands that I'm not ready for a guru, understands much better than my parents. He did say, though, that he has come to believe in the guru's grace. I had an experience that has me thinking I might be starting to believe it too.

I can't go into too much detail without revealing information that I don't want to be on this blog, but something happened right after we went to see the guru that helped my mother to accept and deal with something in my life that has been a source of a lot of conflict. It was very unexpected and startling and I don't know whether to chalk it up to a coincidence or to believe in something more. I'm going to sit with it for a while and see what I think.

Not Ready for a Guru

2011-02-21T12:38:00.000-05:00

I've been more scarred by my childhood than I realized.

My parents went to India to see their guru. They didn't seem to realize that I wasn't there for the same reason. I was in India just to be in India. I feel that I carry my spirituality with me and I don't need to be in a particular place for it and I don't need my relationship with God mediated through a third party. My parents seemed upset and disappointed that I wasn't thrilled at the idea of going to see the guru three times a day while we were in Sringeri.

I didn't feel comfortable prostrating to him, I don't know him and he doesn't know me. I find that there is a lot of mistrust in my gut.

This is a natural stage to go through. Particularly because I put a lot of trust and faith in certain figures of authority when I was growing up and I was crushed to find them mere human beings. I feel betrayed in some ways and it has left me very skeptical of gurus and having a lot more faith in myself than in anyone else.

I'm sure this guru is legit. He is part of an incredible lineage. He has good credentials. He came recommended by someone who did his taxes! He comes recommended not only from my parents, but also a good friend of ours who tends to be skeptical and pragmatic like me. He says he has seen the grace of the guru work in his life.

But even if he is a great guru, I am not at all ready to let someone into my heart in that way.

I also don't know about being connected to a guru who lives so far away and who doesn't speak the same language as me. Apparently I just need his grace and his energy, but I would like to be connected to a guru I could communicate with, who I felt understood me and what I'm going through.

They say, when you are ready a guru will appear.

I am not ready yet. There is a guru available and a lot of good reason to go with it, but I can't do it yet. I need my time and my space to feel comfortable again with trust.

Tomorrow I'll have a bit more to say about some of the interesting experiences with the guru himself.

General Impressions

2011-02-20T12:08:00.001-05:00

I'll have a number of different posts on my India trip. I thought I would start out with an overview.

I loved it.

I felt very comfortable in India. It met my expectations exactly. It seemed like I had been there before. I really do think I lived there in another life. I know, everyone says that, reincarnation is a good excuse for these sort-of feelings!

We spent a week touring and shopping. It was awesome to be in a place where the cultural references were all familiar! Our hotel in Bangalore was right next to Garuda mall, for example.

I am always surprised when I travel by the similarities between places. I know it shouldn't surprise me that it is all one earth and the divisions are so arbitrary. When I see the grass and the trees it just gives me that sense of the unity of the planet.

I ate better than I can ever remember. I adore Indian food, and I even enjoyed things I didn't expect to like. I stuffed myself every day! I bought some cookbooks at Gangaram's bookstore and I'm looking forward to trying to recreate some of those awesome meals.

We had lunch with my cousin's in-laws who live in Bangalore and they let us use their driver for the rest of the trip, which was wonderful. He was a lot of fun and took good care of us. I attempted some Hindi with him, though his primary languages are Telegu and Kanada. I'm pretty sure I told him that the trunk of the car was a very old man, rather than very big.

None of my Hindi worked out very well. It takes me a while to formulate a sentence, and I was trying to force myself to do it faster in order to talk. I would realize about five minutes later how I had messed the sentence up! No one seemed to understand me. Partly because most of the people I interacted with aren't Hindi speakers, but I think also because it was too weird and unexpected for Hindi to be coming from me. I was really encouraged that I understood almost all the Hindi I heard, so that made me feel pretty good.

I was delighted to discover that very, very few women wore western clothes. I thought at least in the city there would be lots of jeans and such, but that was not the case. I really think American women could take a lesson from Indian women's wardrobes! Everywhere you look there are amazing colors and patterns. I would say half salwar kameez and half saris. For anyone who doesn't think saris are practical everyday wear, women there wear them as part of uniforms, old women washing floors were wearing beautiful saris. I got a picture of a woman officer in the army wearing a khaki sari. It just shows there is never an excuse not to look gorgeous!

The second week we spent at a small town called Sringeri, where there is an ashram dedicated to the shankaracharya of the south. We went to darshans and pujas there and asked for blessings from the guru, etc. I'll have more detailed posts about that later.

Everywhere we went outside the city, I felt like an exhibit at a zoo. People stared at me and wanted to take pictures of me or have their picture taken with me. I was surprised by how noticeable it is when people are staring at you! I was glad that people were happy to see me wearing Indian clothes and embracing Indian culture. A couple of high school girls in Sringeri were asking me what I thought of Indian culture and they were just thrilled when I said I liked it! They were very impressed with my sari wrapping skills too.

I felt very inspired while there and got a lot of good writing done. I also came home feeling emotionally lighter and steadier.

I have almost 200 pictures, so I'll link to my flickr album rather than post them all here! (At the beginning are some pictures from my parents' house in Concord that were on my dad's camera, so that's what it looked like at home while we were gone)

PICTURES

Greetings from Mysore

2011-02-10T08:47:00.000-05:00

I'm in a hotel and half way through my vacation in India. I spent two days in Bangalore and now I'm on my second day in Mysore, tomorrow we head for Sringheri and my parents' ashram.

I'm having a great time.

My head is cleared and I'm feeling so much more grounded than I have in weeks.

I'll post detailed stories when I get back, but I wanted to check in and say hello and let you all know that I'm doing very well.

You know, a while back I spoke about labels and how important it felt to me to have them. I thought there might come a time when I didn't feel like I needed it and I think that time may have come. I'm feeling a lot more at peace with myself and therefore much less defensive and consumed with labels and identity.

I am how I am, as strange and varied as it is!

It is very interesting to me to see my own progress over the last year and the changes that have come about as I have written this blog. I'm sure some of those feelings of insecurity will be back, everything in my life seems to go in cycles, but I hope that I can hold onto this peace for a while.

Trip in One Week!

2011-01-28T20:04:00.000-05:00

I'm going to take some time for quiet introspection so I can get some of this emotional baggage under control and be ready to enjoy India!

I'll be back in America by the 20th and I'm sure I'll have lots to say :)

I plan to keep a journal while I'm on my trip.

Perfection

2011-01-27T11:58:00.000-05:00

I think the struggle I'm going through has a lot to do with fear and feeling loss of control.

I keep trying to control my life and control outcomes that I can't.

All I can do is good action, dharmic action, and the outcome is not up to me.

Life is never going to fit my vision of perfect, but it is perfect. It is fine as it is.

That is perfect, this is perfect
Perfect comes from perfect
Take perfect from perfect,
Perfect remains

My father told me once that one should never go in the direction of fear. If a choice is motivated by fear, it isn't the right one.

I remind myself to relinquish control and just enjoy.

Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul

2011-01-26T22:42:00.000-05:00

Title Cite
I'm struggling right now with things that I'm not even sure how to put into words. I'm not looking for answers from you because I know this is something that I have to come to terms with in my own life. However, writing it out helps a lot and the experience of sharing my deep fears and concerns about life with friends is cathartic.

How much to focus on the world and how much to focus on the end goal?

I believe that we are here in this life to discover our true nature and to become one with the universe. Yet I am in this body and my body and mind have desires. There is built-in biology and I don't know if I should be fighting it or giving it what it wants.

On the one hand I want to see beyond the limited view. Life is more than just having fun and watching movies. What am I really here to do? Can I be happy just living life the way normal people do, having a family and a career? How can I balance that "householders" life with the spiritual drive? All that stuff doesn't seem to matter when I think of my friend who died without being a mother, without experiencing most of the human lifespan. She had only 28 years here and that was fine. She came into the world and she left. People are dying all the time, dying young and in strange ways. Leaving when we thought they would sort themselves out eventually and then they don't.

When I leave, what will I want to have done? I want to have no regrets, to throw open all the doors and examine every dark, dusty corner of my being and to share it with others who could benefit from my excavation.

I'm trying to learn how to balance. There is a natural measure to all things. Can I keep grounded in my faith while also fulfilling the natural human drives? Sometimes I have an urge to be an ascetic, but I am so young and I want to do the whole life thing first. But haven't I already done that? How much does it matter to experience the pleasures of the world? I feel called to something deeper.

Sometimes I think I can see a life that works fine, a job, a husband, children, living within one sphere, quietly practicing my beliefs and trying to bring whatever joy I can to those I encounter around me. I am happy in that vision.

But there is another part of me. One that needs to do big things, to make big change, afraid of wasting my life on trivial things.

Sometimes I am a crusader and sometimes I'm just a girl. I want the normal life, but I also want art. Sometimes I feel myself falling into a black hole of introspection and I am overcome with the desire to create and to explain and to build a poem, a song, an epic explaining the experience of life. All my life "desire" has been a dirty word. Desires should not control us, we should be the masters of our desires (the wild horses of the senses).

I have come to realize this is part of the experience of being an artist (and probably part of the experience of being human). There are things caught in me that force their way out. My mom asked me once why I can't just live my life, why I have to record it? Why I have to share it? Write about it? "Would you rather live life or write about it?" I picked writing about it. It has a much farther influence than my one small life that is like so many millions of others.

A big fear is that I might get that life that I envision, with the balance, and something happens to throw me into another mode and I become dissatisfied with what I have.

Why do I always feel like I have to choose? People have called me complicated and intense. I have a few different personalities, contradictory drives. Most of my life I have tried to suppress that and be one thing or another, not everything. But it doesn't work, the other sides break through and throw my life out of balance. My therapist thinks I need to express all my sides and not judge them and not pick one over the others. But how will I have a partner in life if I can never be pinned down?

I know, it's pathetic, it always comes back to me having a boyfriend. What can I say? I'm a girl. I know everyone would tell me to choose a future partner based on common interests and how we want to raise children and not based on hotness. But I'm in a hormonal mess, a woman with a biological clock and a strong libido. I don't want to ignore that need. I'm not ready to.

Should I wait it out, stay strong and single until the hormones subside years from now and do spiritual work? Am I a danger to the men who might get close to me? Am I a danger to the men who fall for me? Do I unintentionally manipulate their feelings?

I just don't know whether to give in to biology and the desires of my body, which is a temple of God, or to redirect my energies (if that's even possible). There are sides of me that you have not seen or experienced here and I don't want to explain it, but I do feel a tearing of my life. Half of me pulling one way and half the other way.

I follow my instincts and do what seems right in the moment, but I'm consumed by the knowledge that my instincts change day by day and what feels right one day is not what I want the next, and then it goes back. How can I ride through that? How can I find an overriding peace?

A couple nights ago I wrote this poem (and how I long to not suck at poetry!)

Despair is planted in the belly.
It sits low and squat in the stomach,
dark and green and sharp.
Its roots wrap the organs,
its vines wrap the heart and squeeze.
It presses up against every cavity
so entwined it cannot be extracted.
Pointy leaves that all the air passes through.
Sickly blooms behind the eyes,
letting in no light.
Trapped by the growth within,
shrinking from the world.
Calling us in, deeper and deeper.

I know this is just part of the process. There is struggle, there are questions, there are dark nights of the soul. The questions are good. It is right that we question and struggle, I think that's the only way to interact with life and make it worthwhile.

But right now I am in darkness. God is there in the edge of my mind, as He always has been, yet He is quiet right now.

Why can't I just laugh? Why do I take life so damn seriously? Isn't 42 all I have to know? At least I'm not the only one consumed by these questions.

I think my poor dog is feeling my anguish. She's been acting very mopey the last couple of weeks.

Happy Republic Day

2011-01-26T12:23:00.000-05:00

Image from this post

Statement by the U.S. President

Wikipedia

Temple Dedication

2011-01-24T15:26:00.001-05:00

Here is the event that my parents and I are going to India for:

Kumbhabhisheka of Sri Adi Shankaracharya Temple

I Sympathize With Duryodhana

2011-01-22T21:25:00.000-05:00

I think a lot of people like Karna and see him as a good man caught on the wrong side.

Duryodhana, on the other hand, is very much the bad guy of the story. Yet I don't think he was evil. I feel sorry for him because he had so much and was not able to be happy.

I think he is very human. I think I am more like him than like the Pandavas. The Pandavas were born from Gods, Duryodhana from a somewhat-weak man (We can have a discussion about Dhritarashtra another time!)

Duryodhana was lost, confused, discontented without knowing why. He felt things deeply and was hurt easily. He was very, very human.

While many of the other characters are better than us, showing us what to look up to and how to be, I think Duryodhana is our baser instincts.

I've read a number of versions of The Mahabharata, all of them abridged in some way. In fact the only unabridged version I read for a college class, only had the first three books translated at the time. But anyway, the version of the story that always clings to me is the Peter Brook's movie. There's a scene in that movie that makes me cry every time I watch it.

Duryodhana is arguing with his mother. She says something along the lines of, "Why can't you be happy and content with everything that you have?"

He shouts at her, "I want to be discontented...."

A man says: I have enough to eat and wear. I need nothing more! Shame! He says: I don't know anger! Shame! I am like a dried up stream, like a wooden elephant. All because my father was born blind, because one does not give a throne to a blind man...A man's body grows from birth and everyone is delighted in the same way his desire grows, his desire for power.

Of course I think he is wrong, that he should realize the greater truth that the kingdom is not his and it was never meant to be. But my heart aches for him because I know how hard it is to remove one's own desires and see the world as it is without the bias.

I think God had some sympathy for him too, as he did find contentment after death.

Was Karna a Noble Man?

2011-01-21T10:19:00.000-05:00

Okay, away from real life for a bit and into philosophy...

(For those who don't know the story of Karna, I'll put as brief a summary as I can at the end of the post)

At study group last week we were reading about fate. We think of fate as something done to us, something we have no control over, but Advaita says that fate is the results of our own choices. We cannot effect the past, it is done, but when the past was the present the things we did created our fate. In the present we always have the choice of what to do and we can change our fate for the future. The message is, make good choices now for a happy future. It isn't quite that simple, but that's the basic idea.

There is a Sanskrit saying:

...For yesterday is but a memory
And tomorrow is only a vision.
But today well lived
makes every yesterday a memory
of happiness
and every tomorrow a vision of hope.

Look well, therefore, to this day....

So, with that in mind, how much choice was there in The Mahabharata? It is a great piece to look at for examining fate because it is all about how can you tell what needs to be done. Every action that happens has an element of fate from the past, but also a choice, and a fate, and a choice, and it keeps going back and back and back so you can't tell which came first.

When Karna finds out that he is the son of Kunti, he has the choice to join the Pandavas or to stay loyal to Duryodhana. He stays where he is and as a result of that choice, he is killed.

Do you think he should have made a different choice? Do you think that he could have? Did he know what he was sacrificing? Was it noble to be loyal to a friend, even when that friend was wrong?

The story:
I will make this as brief as I can, so forgive me if I leave out some details. The heroes of The Mahabharata are five brothers called the Pandava because their earthly father was Pandu, but in fact each was fathered by a different God and born to Kunti (and Madri, but I'm going to leave her out). Before Kunti married Pandu, she had used her "gift" to have a child with the sun God and his name was Karna. She was ashamed and abandoned him, he was raised by a chariot driver (a much lower class than what he should have been, as Kunti was a princess and later a queen).

Years later the Pandava brothers are in conflict with their cousins for the kingdom. It rightfully belongs to the Pandavas, although it's a little bit murky. On the side of the cousins, the Kaurava, is Duryodhana. He is selfish and power hungry and unable to see the greater good.

Karna arrives and challenges one of the Pandava brothers, Arjuna, to fight. Karna is rejected because he is a lower class and doesn't know who his real parents are. Duryodhana sweeps in and gives him a small kingdom in order to make him worthy to fight Arjuna. Karna and Duryhodhana become good friends and Karna swears loyalty to him, not knowing that Arjuna is actually his brother.

A war begins over the succession conflict. In the middle of it, Karna is told that he is the eldest Pandava and he could go and join their side and they would welcome him, but Duryodhana is the only one who has been kind to him, so he stays where he is.

He is killed in battle by Arjuna. (His death has some complicated issues also, which I might get into later).

Waiting

2011-01-20T21:39:00.000-05:00

Sorry if it seemed like I flipped out earlier. So many thoughts and ideas and questions... These are the questions that this blog is here to explore! And maybe I'm harder on myself than people in the world are. After all, my biggest problem as a teenager was I was convinced everyone hated me, which I'm now sure was not true at all.

But it was very timely in my life, actually, to read that post. Have you noticed that happening? When you are questioning something and an answer appears in an unexpected place?

I've felt very torn as I consider possible future relationships (I'm not dating this year, but I am trying to figure out what I'm looking for in a relationship, what is most important to me).

I've said before that I don't want to date someone because of his skin color, because of his race. Yet I've been feeling some pressure to do that. I started thinking how maybe it would make my life easier if I married a Hindu.

Mrs. BBBB's post reminded me that it is not that simple.

I have to hold out for love. I can't date someone just to gain some kind of passport into culture. Sounds obvious, doesn't it? It's easier said than done. I think a lot of people end up getting married for social reasons, and not for passion.

I don't understand love, I don't know what it looks like or what it feels like, I don't trust the experiences I may have had with it in the past.

Sometimes I need to be reminded that the grass looks greener, a certain kind of relationship looks easier, and it really isn't.

And maybe I will end up with a Hindu Indian man and maybe I won't, but I am not going to date someone for what it could get me socially, I am waiting for love (and how very modern that sounds!)

What Do People Say?

2011-01-20T09:37:00.000-05:00

I know this is probably another sign of me caring too much about other people and what they think, but I've always been really curious about what people say about me behind my back.

Whenever kids have discussions about what super power would you want to have, I want one that would let me find out.

I think I'm just self-destructively curious.

I wonder if people say about me what Mrs.BBBB says in this post: http://bigbadblondebahu.blogspot.com/2011/01/trying-too-hard.html

From that discussion I have to conclude that finding an Indian boyfriend would not help my case at all! My idea that it might legitimize my behavior doesn't hold up. That's good to know.

*****
I really get the impression sometimes that I am like the red-headed step-child, as the expression goes, in this blog world. There is an entire community of non-Indian women who are married to Indian or Pakistani men and I read many of their blogs and enjoy what they have to say. But I don't fit in. I think they roll their eyes about me. And they may be right, I may be ridiculous.

I have no reason. Whenever I try to explain, it just turns out that I am racist and elitist. Maybe flattered to my face because I'm pretty, but laughed at behind my back.

The thing is, I am happier since I started expressing my full quirkiness. Knowing that there are people rolling their eyes at me behind my back doesn't dampen that happiness very much.

Time will tell. And maybe in time I will let go of my Indian behavior. As many of the commenters on that post said, with time one finds the right balance. I hope that if that does happen that people will not ridicule me. I am on a journey, as hippie as that sounds. I am trying to learn about and understand myself, and I do that however I can figure out.

I think we should all cut each other some slack. People make mistakes, people try out things that don't work, and it would be a lot less scary to try new things if we didn't fear that people were making fun of us.

I know, I know, I keep caring too much what other people think. What can I say? If I didn't care, I wouldn't be writing a blog!

******
It seems strange to me that when people come to America or England or Australia, that it is expected for them to fit into the culture, wear the clothes, learn the language, etc. Why is it that the same is not expected going the other direction?

Does it make me racist to say that? I hope not. I mean, I'm not sure anyone wants to be a racist. I certainly would hate to find out that I was.

The discussion on the other post has a lot to do with clothes. It seems like both here and in the cities in India, Western clothes are seen as better and more modern. I don't understand why. Personally I find salwar kameez extremely comfortable and practical. I love that they are coordinated because matching is not my forte. I don't see why they are regulated to being "ethnic" clothing and not just being clothing, being a reasonable and legitimate choice for women everywhere.

******
There is the fear of losing one's self in the culture of one's spouse or significant other. Obviously, that is not going on in my case, but there is still the question of am I giving up my own culture in pursuit of another?

I've said I didn't feel like I had a culture, but LuckyFatima points out that we might not see our culture until we have something to compare it to. I don't know. Are Sunday waffles and Ricky Lake after school a culture? Maybe. It wasn't enough for me, though.

Does it make a difference that I had a Krishna comic book when I was six? That my mom sang the Perfect Prayer at bedtime? That she read stories from The Mahabharata to me? Does that give me some claim? If so, what happens to the people who find a home in Hinduism later, with no background? Sanatana Dharma is available to all, it is universal. But what about culture? Is that available too? What are the rules?

What happens with the children of these interracial marriages? There will be some who look mixed race and some who look Indian, but some will look purely white. We've already seen a couple of these young people who have Western names and blue eyes, but an Indian parent. Will eyebrows be raised if they try to express their culture?

****
All my life I have longed to belong and yet it is as though no place wants me! I think that sense of being outside of myself is something that I will always carry with me. I think that has something to do with what I am here in this life trying to work out.

****
Thanks to Mrs.BBBB, who knows how to look right into the heart of issues and state what she sees honestly and with clarity. I am always inspired by reading her posts. As you can see, it raises a lot of questions for me!

A quote

2011-01-19T09:38:00.003-05:00

A friend just posted this one Facebook:

When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That's the message he is sending. -- Thich Nhat Hanh

I think this is quite relevant to the nun in question on the Conversion post

Memorial: Ilana Jonsson

2011-01-17T11:44:00.000-05:00

April 14th, 1981 - January 17th, 2010

I am lost without your spirit and your energy, your opinions, your chatter, your zest. You were always like a mirror of me. We were friends for nine years and it should have been more. It should have been much more.

At this time, I should be staying with you in your condo and helping out with your new baby. I should be gossiping with you and trading recipes and new tricks for housekeeping.

I miss you so much, I can't stand it. My heart is broken. The world does not make sense anymore, the pieces don't add up.

Why are People Mean?

2011-01-16T19:53:00.000-05:00

I really believe that people's basic nature is good. Also, that all human beings are created in the image of God, are in fact God and as such should be treated with utmost respect and love.

Yet that is not what we see in day to day life.

Sometimes I think I am the only one who believes this! So many people seem to think that they are right and anyone who is not on the same path should be "re-educated," by force if necessary. Or else they think that minds are changed by ridiculing and hurting other people.

What exactly does it accomplish to call me a bitch? To say I'm like my "fucking for[e] fathers"? To spit in my face?

I'm not perfect, and I'm doing the best that I can here, exploring the mysteries of the universe. Are you trying to get me to stop? Are you hurting me just because you think it's fun? It does hurt. It hurts a lot. So, if that gives you satisfaction, then I'm glad. If it makes you happier, well, the world can use more happiness.

But I have a hard time understanding what purpose it really serves to say nasty things about anyone-- whether it is me, professing to be a religious woman, or a nun who is also doing the best she can to understand the world, or a Muslim woman who I'm sure has studied her faith to her own satisfaction.

Before anyone takes this too personally, it seems that there are two people who are continuing to submit vile, nasty, mean-spirited, hateful comments. It hurts me very deeply.

Show some love and some respect to your fellow human beings, who are your equal no matter what their beliefs.

Holiday: Pongal + Sankranthi

2011-01-15T09:43:00.000-05:00

Today is a harvest festival. In the South, particularly Tamil Nadu it is celebrated as Pongal. In other parts of India it is Sankranthi.

It is a day to celebrate the beginning of the harvest season.

It's interesting to me that it falls in January. I think it shows how festivals and holidays form differently in different parts of the world because of differences in weather. Weather has such a tremendous effect on the development of society and culture, since we all started out as hunter/gatherer and moved into agriculture (from what I understand of anthropology, anyway).

In America, harvest festivals all occur in October and November. There is Thanksgiving and there is Sukkot, a Jewish holiday. Harvest festivals here are connected to trees that turn yellow, orange, and red; to corn and pumpkins and other gourds.

Pongal in Tamil means "spilling over." Using a clay pot to boil milk until it runs over symbolizes prosperity and abundance. The festival is dedicated to the sun God, Surya.

Sankranthi is celebrated differently in different areas, so I will simply link to the Wikipedia article about it.

Links

2011-01-11T11:00:00.000-05:00

There's nothing new going on with me these days, so I'm light on material for posts. Here are some links to some interesting conversations to keep you entertained!

http://the99percent.com/tips/6314/what-daily-meditation-can-do-for-your-creativity

http://forumforhinduawakening.org/

http://meghanaunleashed.blogspot.com/search/label/Hinduism

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rajiv-malhotra/hindu-view-of-christian-yoga_b_778501.html

http://www.sepiamutiny.com/sepia/archives/003534.html

Feel free to comment on things you read at these links and start a discussion, maybe it will inspire me!

White Hindu: the book

2011-01-09T22:19:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking about gathering several of the posts here and putting them into a book...

What do you all think?

Another Philosophical Question

2011-01-05T11:29:00.000-05:00

There is another aspect of how to live advaita philosophy that comes up a lot at study group. I think this is something that we all struggle with, trying to find the right balance.

The woman who writes the blog That Wife put it the best in one of her posts recently:

"How much do I have to give to others and how much can I keep for myself if I want to be a 'good person'?"

The comes up a lot because of pan-handlers. Particularly in America, where the beggars on the street are not as overwhelming as in India, are not being controlled by pimp-like characters, and many have mental illnesses. When they ask for money, should you give nothing? Give a little? Give everything in your wallet?

If you don't believe in giving to beggars, how much do you give to charity? Do you set a "safe" percentage of your income the loss of which won't detriment your family? It feels like we should be doing more, that if we love all people as our brothers and sisters, that we would give everything we have to help them.

But what about our own families? Should we not be keeping back enough to provide for them? How much do our families and ourselves need? Is it wrong to have money to spend on vacations and DVDs and such? Is it our duty to give everything excess away?

There is an Indian story about a man who would take his income and put it out on a table for everyone in his village to come and take what they needed. His wife also had to wait in line to do this. When she complains, he chastises her for it.

But can we really live that way? Should we be living that way?

This is a question that haunts me. It always has.

When I was a kid, I would give away everything I had. I gave my lunch money to other kids who had forgotten theirs, I gave away clothes that I loved because someone else might need them. I drove my parents nuts, but I felt too guilty and selfish and terrible if I didn't. It took to college for me to gain some control and to stop doing that.

I had this book when I was a kid about a little girl who is walking through the woods, I think on the way to visit someone, and she keeps coming across people who need things. There is a man with no shoes, and without hesitation she takes off her shoes and gives them to him. There is a woman freezing to death and the girl gives her sweater, etc. At the end she is completely naked and the stars come down from the sky to clothe her. Stories like this suggest that it is a good quality to be so selfless that you give away absolutely everything you own. Yet you can't really function or live in society if you do that!

Currently I try to be aware of the needs around me, and provide for them if I am able. I don't go "looking for trouble" and I don't give more than I am comfortable with. But I'm not sure which way is best for someone who wants to be a saint (for lack of a better word).

Attachment

2011-01-03T10:14:00.000-05:00

One of the ideals in Hinduism is detachment. Detachment from the fruits of one's actions, detachment from life because it is not ultimate reality.

It's a really tricky thing to come to terms with.

On the one hand, lack of attachment saves one from pain. If we were enlightened (supposedly) we would enjoy people and objects while we had them, love them thoroughly, and also be fine when they were not with us. Things come and go, but really, as our universal Selves, everything is with us and everything is in us.

The trouble is that the idea of being detached from one's family and friends, from one's spouse and children, sounds horribly inhuman. It sounds cold and cruel.

This is a topic of frequent discussion at my study group. What does it really mean to be detached? Does it mean that we don't care? Does it mean that we don't stop bad things from happening because we should not care about the result of our action?

This is a subject that I think could take lifetimes to come to grips with.

However, I had a moment of insight the other day because I was reading a book a friend lent me about codependency. This is a psychological term that is often applied to the spouses of addicts. There is a tendency in those who love alcoholics or drug addicts to become overly involved in the addict's life, to try to fix him or her and ease their pain by taking away the addict's responsibility. There is a chapter in the book about detachment.

I was moved by a quote from a member of Al-anon, which is a sister group to AA (alcoholics anonymous) specifically for those whose lives are affected by alcoholics or other addicts. This person said, "Detachment is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement."

I think that is pretty profound and gave me a different perspective on what attachment and detachment are.

It's a concept I will still struggle with and keep refining my understanding of. I look forward to reading the rest of this book for more insight. It is called Codependent No More, it's a classic in this field.

Comments

2011-01-01T18:02:00.001-05:00

I'm sorry to say that I have set up comment moderation. Your comments will now not show up until after I have reviewed and approved them. You also will no longer be able to comment anonymously. I hope that this won't cause problems, please email me if you have concerns about it: aambablog@gmail.com

I know that my friends here understand that while the Internet is an open forum of many different ideas, this blog is my space and I need to control the message. I don't wish to silence anyone who has legitimate questions, concerns, or objections.

If you keep the language clean and polite, then I will certainly publish contrary opinions and allow for a friendly debate.

I will not publish comments with name-calling, excessive capital letters, or personal attacks.

Please remember, my firm belief is that we are all family and we should treat each other with the love, respect, and dignity that we show to our most beloved family members.

*****
Oh, and on a different note, I wanted to mention that you'll now see a third blog listed on my profile. In case anyone sees that and is confused, I decided to set up another blog for yet another of my passions in life. I have this one for my religion and I have one for my knitting, my third big passion in life is disability rights. I know that seems a bit...different...from the other things you see around here, but it is another side of me. I get easily frustrated and angry about injustices I see against people who have disabilities, so I express rants calling out those behaviors on that blog.

How to Wear a Sari

2010-12-31T12:05:00.002-05:00

Let's lighten things up for a bit, shall we?

I promised a while back to post information about how to wear a sari for those who don't know or are intimidated by it.

As it turns out, I don't have to put up directions and take pictures, etc. because I just found a wonderful YouTube video for it. It looks like these girls are developing a website with useful information for young Indian women. I'll be keeping an eye on their videos!

From Pakistani to American

2010-12-30T09:29:00.005-05:00

I was reading the Gori Wife Life blog and she had a funny post about how her Pakistani husband is embracing the culture of the American South.

"I come from The South but my Pakistani born and bred husband seems to be working harder on embodying the typical redneck persona."

http://thegoriwifelife.blogspot.com/2010/12/southern-pakistani.html

I think a lot of people enjoy testing out other cultures and it's great when we can feel comfortable adopting the parts that we like, that make sense to us. And when it's a culture that we weren't born to, we do put a lot of effort into it!

Race

2010-12-29T12:00:00.003-05:00

There was a comment yesterday on one of my older posts that I wanted to address. Here is the comment and my response to it:

Svaha said...
Ambaa,
Why call yourself a "white" Hindu? Why is skin color so important as a means of identifying yourself? Sanatana Dharma is about unity, not separateness. Its not about the externalization of God, but the recognition of universal and internalized divinity. Its great that you want to identify yourself as a "Hindu" (whatever that means), but please do not insult our core religious beliefs by bringing confused notions of race and skin color into the mix.
December 27, 2010 1:32 AM

Aamba said...
Well, Svaha, the reason I named the blog White Hindu is because at the time I felt that it was my skin color that was keeping me from being accepted as fully Hindu. It was extremely frustrating to me, so this was a way of taking back that word, taking control over how people see me.

However, in the year since I've kept the blog, I have become more and more entrenched in Hinduism and have found the acceptance I was looking for. I now rarely feel kept back and taken less seriously because of my skin color, though it does still sometimes happen.

The other reason to put race into it is that this is not a blog about the definition of Hinduism, it is a blog about the intersection of culture and religion and ethnicity. That is the issue I am interested in exploring.

How are religion and ethnicity related? How do people perceive them? How does one move into a religion that was not given to him or her by ethnicity?
December 28, 2010 2:45 PM

The thing is, this blog is about race. I'm not interested in pretending that we don't somewhat judge each other based on ethnicity. It happens, it is part of our world.

Yes, Hinduism is universal and accepts all people as equally a part of God, but that is not always how it is practiced. People are still imperfect and do judge one another and make assumptions about one another.

I am confident and sure of my religion. It has been part of me all of my life. What I came to the Internet to explore is the cultural aspect of Hinduism and how I might fit in there.

I think my skin color is relevant to this discussion and I don't think that it is a confused notion of race. Different races exist and we are all still trying to figure out what that means and how it effects our lives.

There are many who are uncomfortable when we label ourselves by ethnicity. I do not label myself as white in order to keep others back or to separate myself. I would rather not be separate, but many times I still am. I felt that my skin color was an elephant in the room, as the expression goes. No one wants to mention it or acknowledge it, and yet it has an effect on how I am perceived.

People wonder about me and question me in ways that I don't think they would if I were Indian.

They think, "Who does she think she is?" They think the same things they think when they see a white rapper with cornrows!

That is what fascinates me. Expectation v.s. reality.

I'm sorry to people who are made uncomfortable by my direct reference to race, but that is exactly what this blog is about: what it means to be a non-Indian Hindu.

Christmas

2010-12-28T10:02:00.003-05:00

I am back from the land of Bible quotes on gas station price boards, billboards for Christian radio stations, and ads for churches on TV and at the movies!

Everything went really well, actually.

I had told one cousin about being Hindu and the news had spread, though no one had a problem with it. The only reason I knew that the cat was out of the bag, as it were, was when we were having pizza for dinner one night.

My uncle was trying to convince me to try a new flavor of pizza and he said, "If you try it, you'll be saying 'Praise Jesus, that's good pizza.'" It's just an expression he uses, and then he stopped and said, "Or, 'Praise Shiva.'"

I was very surprised!

I had some conversations about it and as I said before, everything was really positive. My brother even chimed in at one point and shared his view that the resurrection of Christ is really just an example of reincarnation. The thing that made it special was only that he knew he had been reborn and most of us don't. That surprised me too, since my brother rarely weighs in on religious topics, it doesn't seem to interest him much. He also said that he doesn't see why anyone needs to pick one.

I'm glad for him and my parents that they do not feel a need to choose between Christianity and Hinduism, but I obviously do feel that need!

It was lovely to see my family, whom I love dearly. I wanted to visit our friend Kat, but a surprise snow storm made the roads impossible to drive for a day and a half!

But now I'm back safe and sound and ready for the next adventure.

My parents

2010-12-21T11:24:00.002-05:00

My mom just sent me this article about Sanskrit Day in Boston. She and my Dad are in some of the pictures!

Sanskrit enthusiasts celebrate language | Articles | INDIA New England

This is them here:

I'm so proud of them!

(The other non-Indian couple in the pictures are friends of my parents, they have all been studying together for more than thirty years now)

Study v.s. Practice

2010-12-20T13:14:00.001-05:00

I started thinking about the difference between studying a religion and practicing it when I got an email from someone writing a school paper on Hinduism.

First, he asked what the meaning of life is according to Hinduism. I put together an answer the best I could. Then I got an email asking if I had textural support for my statement.

That gave me pause. I realized that I couldn't name a textbook or a religious study or quote a professor or expert to support my understanding of Hinduism. And that is because I don't study it, I live it.

Of course, there is writing to support my view. I could say to read the Gita, and the ten principle Upanishads, but those scriptures are not easy to understand if you have no background or understanding of Hindu history, culture, and story.

I do read commentaries on scriptures and yet many times I don't pay much attention to whose commentary I am reading. I read each thing and look at how it interprets the text and then I ponder whether I agree with the message or not.

But mostly I don't do a lot of studying. Mostly I feel my way in religion.

On the other hand, Christianity is something I've studied. I took classes on it in college and I did Biblical analysis stuff. That was fun and educational, but extremely different from practicing and believing it.

Though I am an intellectual and I do pursue mostly a path of knowledge, it was interesting to me to realize that I do not approach my religion as though it is the subject of a PhD thesis.

The Most Important Thing

2010-12-16T11:35:00.006-05:00

Recently I was having an interesting conversation with my mom about my romantic history. It made me realize something.

I've always said that my greatest dream in life is to have a husband and children. I've wanted that for as long as I can remember. Being married is hugely important to me. And yet, it turns out that it is not the most important thing.

My mom observed that my religion has been a detriment in my dating life. Not for everyone I've dated by any means, but it has made it more difficult to find potential partners. Knowing that only 0.4% of America is Hindu, it seems to me that the average American man is looking for a woman who is vaguely Protestant.

If I were able to be content with being a Christian and maybe not even going to church much, my dating pool would be much, much larger.

My devotion to my religion has kept people back many times.

And so my mom expressed regret that she had raised me they way she did. Maybe, she thought, she and my dad should not have instilled Hindu beliefs in me.

That's when I realized that my religion is more important to me than anything. I would not trade it to make finding a husband easier. I would not trade it for anything. Without those beliefs, my life would be without purpose and without meaning. I don't want to live that way.

Because I believe in reincarnation I truly do believe that I have had families before. I have had husbands and children many times before and I probably will again. If I miss out on that for this one little lifetime, it's not really that big a deal.

And that desire for a family is a matter of biology only. It is evolution working in my body.

The goal of achieving enlightenment is so much bigger and more important than that. Husbands come and go, they don't go with you when you die. I need to focus on the things that are eternal, the things that will come with me.

This is not to say that I don't still hope to someday get married and have children. But it was a big moment for me to realize that it is not my number one priority. It's just something that would be nice to have. My focus is really on my own soul.

Packing for India

2010-12-15T11:19:00.003-05:00

It is far too early to start packing for my trip to India in February. But I love planning clothes and I tend to pack way, way ahead of time.

I am thrilled that I will have plenty of opportunity to wear saris. My dad told me that I'd need one for the ashram and he worried over where I would get one. I told him that I have at least ten and he was very surprised. He asked me to pack some for my mom to wear, as she doesn't have any and last time they were there she borrowed from my cousin.

I bought a fancy sequined one with a matching blouse that Dhurga talked me into ;) I think I will wear it for the temple dedication that we'll be going to.

Mom said that I should not pack all my saris, but I'm not sure how I will choose which ones to leave behind! I love them all.

I will also be packing all of my most flattering salwar suits. I have to leave room in my suitcase, though, so I can get some new ones. My parents visited a tailor near the ashram last time they were there and got me a suit that is still in great shape and I wear frequently. I hope to visit the same tailor and get to pick out the fabric and colors myself.

I'll be packing my bindis, I have some red ones, so I think I will wear those.

My favorite part of preparing for a trip is thinking about the clothes!

I also have to think about what I will bring to entertain myself on the long, long trip. I have to contact the airline and make sure that knitting needles are allowed. I can then choose some projects and some books.

I can't begin to tell you how excited I am about this trip!

Acceptance

2010-12-12T23:40:00.003-05:00

So much has changed in the last year and this blog and all you readers have helped create that change.

I started writing here because I felt rejected and kept out of the religion that my heart was at home with. I felt that I would never fit in.

Since then I have found a lot of acceptance and my relationship with my religion and its culture has changed. I've felt welcomed by many of the Indians in my life this year. I've felt at home and like I fit in at temples and holidays and events.

As a result, I've felt less need to fight against the culture around me. I haven't felt that I need the bindi, which I used to use to set myself apart and help me stand out from the default American culture.

The most noticeable effect has been Christmas. Last year I had a very hard time with Christmas. The whole month of December I felt out of place, out of sorts, out of sync. I was sensitive and easily offended. This year Christmas has not bothered me. It's just one more thing going on around me. It's fun, lots of people like it, it's not hurting me.

Without the acceptance into the culture I feel I belong in, I would not be able to have steady emotions in December.

I've embraced and acknowledged my inner feelings about culture and belonging and I've come to a place where I am secure and confident in my life. I don't feel as much like I have something to prove. This is a nice place to be!

One Year Anniversary

2010-12-09T11:31:00.003-05:00

It amazes me to say, but today marks one year from the time I started this blog.

At first it was completely anonymous and read by no one. Slowly I started sharing the URL with people and the readership has grown a lot.

I really love the feedback and interaction of everyone who reads. It has helped me to become more secure in my faith and confident in myself as well as to see other points of view.

I didn't know that I had so much to say. Spirituality really is a huge part of my life and I can't imagine it any other way. I plan to continue questioning and pondering and wondering about all parts of living a spiritual, Hindu life.

Thanks, everyone!

Here's a recent picture of me with my fabulous, huge Indian necklace, and my new nose stud

Myth

2010-12-06T11:11:00.002-05:00

The word "myth" makes people extremely sensitive.

Try telling someone who believes in the Bible that the flood story of Noah is a myth and they will likely tell you that it really happened, it is true, history will show it or else the devil did something to mess with historical evidence.

In this world of concrete proof that we live in, only things that "really happened" seem to matter.

Did Krishna really lift a mountain with his finger? Did Hanuman really build a bridge to Lanka? Did Draupada perform a ritual to get his children? Was Arjuna cursed by Urvasi? Did any of it really happen?

It may seem strange to you, but I don't care if it "really" happened.

I get a lot of emails and messages about new proof that this or that thing happened, basically to say "see? it's real, it matters, you should believe in the gods." I find it sad when I see shows on TV that use scientific and historical methods to "prove" that various miracles took place. There's all these ideas about how the red sea might have parted because of this or that weather condition. To me, it does not need to be proven. None of these things need to be proven. Their great power and beauty comes from the unlikeliness of them. Where is the place for faith if we can prove every piece of story?

Why is a story or a myth not a valid part of our lives?

I find myths to be extremely valuable. They can express and show truths better than things that really happened.

To me, it does not matter at all whether these stories happened. They are no more or less powerful either way. My faith and belief does not depend at all on whether or not archaeologists can prove that Rama was born in Ayodhya or any of the rest of it.

Magic

2010-12-02T11:47:00.004-05:00

In the West we have a way of seeing things in a very straight, linear line.

There's "backwards," foolish thinking and then it moves upward to logical, scientific and practical thinking. The world started out ignorant and we are making progress toward knowing and categorizing everything. The world is straightforward and any event can be explained within the framework that we have.

This is over-simplifying, of course, but what I've been thinking about is the way I think about more mysterious things.

I am a grounded, practical, straightforward person. I don't have much patience for whimsy or magic and I think that's holding me back.

I started thinking about this because my Hindi teacher and the other student in the class were talking about superstition and some of the beliefs of people in their homes in villages in India.

Many, many people believe in ghosts, spirits, curses, boons, miracles, fairies, demons, etc. Traditionally I and most of the West see that sort of belief as ignorant and foolish. In grade school we hear the go-to explanation for myth: "Ancient people didn't know what this was, so they made up a story to explain it and now we know better."

I'm not convinced of the truth of that anymore. First of all, it sounds outrageously condescending. And the world of "myth" is tremendously rich and beautiful. The world is a wild place, always on the edge of chaos. I don't know everything there is to know and no one else does either.

Why do we assume that there is only one plane of existence? I think it could make perfect sense for there to be ghosts and spirits and other things occurring in the subtle world around us that we are completely oblivious to.

I would like to believe that.

I don't yet, but I would like to.

I want to expand my mind and my way of thinking, to accept that there may be value and truth in astrology, in crystal healing, in the ability of the spirit to leave the body and return. I've never been able to believe any of that and I've been secretly dismissive and judgmental about it.

One thing I don't believe? I don't believe that we are smarter or better for having been born later in the world's history.

When I was a child I went to a Waldorf preschool. There I learned about magic. They told us about gnomes and fairies and taught us to see a sparkle and mystery in life. I lost touch with that as I got older and I would like to go back to it.

Science has shown* that we dismiss things we see or experience that don't fit into our expected model and I want to break down those expectations to see a more intense world.

* In one of my college classes there was the following experiment: My teacher told us that he was going to play a video in which two teams were passing a ball back and forth. Each team had its own ball. One team was dressed in white and the other in black, there were three people on each team. He asked us to count how many times the white team passed the ball.

I knew there was a catch, but I played along anyway and watched the video, counting how many times the white team passed the ball to each other. They were doing it in a narrow hallway in a college dorm. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. After the video I told the professor that the team had passed the ball five times. He asked if I had seen anything odd and I had not.

He played the video again, this time without focusing our attention on any one thing. In the middle, a man in a giant, black gorilla suit walked onto the screen, went right up to the camera so that he was taking up almost the entire screen, and waved, then walked off.

I had not seen it at all on the first viewing. Because it was black and I was looking for white, my brain completely dismissed it.

That proved to me that there is a lot going on around us that we never process because it isn't what we are looking for.

Sorry for no posts

2010-11-27T21:04:00.001-05:00

I don't want to leave you wondering where I am...

It is the Thanksgiving holiday here in the U.S. and I've traveled to visit my parents. It's an eight and half hour drive from home. I don't use the computer much while I'm here, since it's their computer.

I'll be back home on Monday and digging up more information for posts!

Hinduism in Ghana

2010-11-21T19:56:00.002-05:00

Tonight a friend at study group had just returned from a trip to Ghana, Africa. He showed us pictures of a thriving Hindu temple there, run entirely by Africans.

This article from BBC is about the temple and its swami:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/10401741

My study group and I were very impressed. It shows a lot of dedication for them to be following Hinduism in the middle of an intensely evangelical Christian culture.

I think it also opened some people's eyes to the idea that Hinduism is not only meaningful to Indians. It holds a spirit that is enticing and desirable to many people of diverse backgrounds in different parts of the world.

I feel so happy knowing that this temple exists.

Travel Altar

2010-11-17T17:06:00.003-05:00

This little craft came about because of a couple of different things.

First, I lost my ipod touch, so I no longer have the cute apps with Gods on them. (It's been missing for almost a month now, I've cleaned my apartment and my car and retraced my steps to everywhere I went the day it went missing, and it really does seem to be gone for good).

The second thing is that last night I was listening to one of the knitting podcasts I like, the Knitpicks podcast, and Kelli mentioned making little craft kits out of empty Altoid mint containers. Then she said that if you Google Altoid tins you will find some amazing art and crafts and different kit ideas.

I love little kits, so I did the Google search and it inspired me to create this:

This is the inside of an Altoid tin. I glued in a little Krishna pendant that I've had for years, which is meant to be a necklace, but I think actually this project would work better printing out a picture of a God and pasting it to the lid.

I glued in a tealight candle and a bunch of paper flowers from a craft store. I took two beads and glued them together to make a holder for a stick of incense. The incense can be laid flat in the tin and I plan to get a little box of matches. I found a tiny bell in the craft store, too.

So now I have a tiny altar that I can take with me in my purse where ever I go!

Indian Decorating

2010-11-16T12:09:00.003-05:00

First of all, I'm probably not going to be posting as often for a little while. School is getting very busy and I am running out of time for everything I need to do!

But, today I'm going to post some links about decorating. I love to decorate, even though I think I'm only just starting to develop an eye for what goes together well.

I am going to be doing some redecorating next month, so I'm looking for inspiration.

myusalife.wordpress.com did a post about Indian decor and in the comments Gori Girl suggested these:
http://www.thekeybunch.com/
http://sajavat.blogspot.com/
http://rangdecor.blogspot.com/
http://onceuponateatime.blogspot.com/

And I found this one An Indian Summer

I also found some neat looking books on Amazon (inspired by seeing a coffee table book on Indian Decor at my study group)

India Decorations

Indian Interiors

Home Decorating Indian Style

For further inspiration, here is a Google image search on Indian Decor

So far I do have wall art that is Indian, one poster from Dolls of India (They have a lot of beautiful items and they are very friendly. Even though it isn't one of their items, they tracked down a copy of Lord of the Rings in Hindi for me) and several beautiful prints from a Krishna Calendar that my Hindi Teacher gave me. I also have a 3D Krishna framed that was given to me as a "Secret Santa" gift a couple of years ago. I have several Ganesha statues throughout my apartment, also.

I would like to add a lot of fabric. Many pillows of various sizes, layers of curtains in vibrant colors, etc.

Appropriate Conversation

2010-11-13T11:23:00.003-05:00

I often forget that not everyone thinks about things as much as I do. In fact, maybe most people don't. Or they think about different things.

For me, I am so fascinated by religion and the ways people find meaning in their lives and so somehow conversations almost always find their way to philosophical pondering around me. I don't intend for it to be that way, I don't notice that I'm doing it, but I'm sure that it's my great interest in the subject that almost always moves conversations with new people in that direction.

I think I need to get better control over these tendencies of mine. Religion is one of those subjects that is considered not appropriate for the dinner table, which is to say, not appropriate for casual, friendly conversation. I know it embarrasses my parents and makes some people rather uncomfortable.

I was trained in conversation, as part of lessons on being a demure and quiet "good" woman. I never mastered those lessons.

I need to learn how to have small talk that does not involve questioning the meaning of life! :D

Fun Song and Dance

2010-11-10T23:30:00.002-05:00

If any of you are as nerdy as I am, then perhaps you have seen the web-based show The Guild. It's about a group of people who play an MMO-style game together.

This may not sound relevant, but one of the characters is Indian and as an promotion, they put out this hilarious Bollywood inspired ad.

Watch for one of the characters speaking fake Hindi. (If you aren't familiar with Hindi, he says "hey" a lot because the Hindi verb "to be" sounds like "hey").

An Article and a Close Encounter

2010-11-10T12:33:00.002-05:00

Speaking of marriages, I discovered this fascinating paper about various kinds of mixed-religion marriages in the U.S. (all of them have one partner who is Christian).
http://repository.berkleycenter.georgetown.edu/Fellows_08_final.pdf

It was also interesting to see the graph of religions in America. Apparently Hindus make up only 0.4% I had no idea the number was that low!

The odd thing for me is that in my future relationships I will, almost no matter what, be either in an inter-racial relationship or an inter-religious one.

If I am in an inter-racial relationship, it will not be inter-religious and vice versa. In reading more of these blogs of people in inter-racial relationships, I am curious to see how many of them have different religions and how many of them have partners who had previously converted to the religion. I'm sure the assumption is that the white partner converted to their spouse's religion, but I would like to find out if there are relationships where the white partner was already a convert previous to meeting the spouse. I think that this is the case in many of the Muslim white/non-white marriages that I've read about.

(Please write and tell me about it if you are in such a situation, by the way!)

*******
I almost got myself into a situation that would have made me mad. I was on my way to my Hindi class. When I got out of the subway, there was a young man passing out cards about beer tasting and theology talk.

Now, I don't ever drink, but I love to talk about theology and I've been meaning to be more social and expand my circle of friends. So, I took a card from him.

As I continued to walk toward class I suddenly realized that "theology discussion" might be code for "we want to talk you into converting to Christianity." Sure enough, when I found their website in tiny letters, the word "Christ" was in there.

I didn't go.

I love to talk about theology, but only in truly open-minded company. I want my ideas to be respected and I have no interest in telling people about Hinduism if their only purpose is to find loopholes in it and try to make Christianity sound better.

Interracial Love

2010-11-08T11:16:00.007-05:00

It seems that there has been an explosion of mixed race couples lately, half Indian and half something else (usually white) and a lot of these couples are moving back to and living in India.

An article came out in India a few weeks ago profiling a bunch of women who have blogs about their relationships with Indian men. Here is one blog that scanned and showed the article. I was contacted about participating in this article too, but it is focused on interracial relationships and I had to inform the person who contacted me that I'm not in a relationship and my connection to Indian culture has nothing to do with me meeting and falling in love with an Indian man :/

I've discovered more and more and more of them as I explore. I think this all began with The White Indian Housewife, here are several more:

This couple is Muslim and live in Pakistan, I know the woman from the knitting site Ravelry and she is a white American: http://aishaevamarieogradyali.blogspot.com/

http://myusalife.wordpress.com

This is a Sikh couple with a white wife. I think I mentioned her a few days ago too http://badbhabhi.com/

http://sambameetssambar.blogspot.com/

It sounds like this couple is no longer together:( http://myindianlove.com/

http://whitegirlindianboy.blogspot.com/

http://www.pyariladki.com/index.html

http://peachesandcurry.wordpress.com/

http://thegoriwifelife.blogspot.com/

http://whitegirlinasari.wordpress.com/

http://chanacoffee.blogspot.com/

http://pyaribuaari.com/

http://shelleythetraveler.blogspot.com/

http://ammena03.blogspot.com/

And I'm sure there are many more too! (Not to mention, a few I already have linked on the side, like our friend Kat and the Big Bad Bahu Blog).

I also know a friend of a friend from college who is married to an Indian man and apparently they are moving to India later this year.

I'm fascinated by this trend and I'm happy to see the world coming together like this, the boundaries between people melting, and the sharing of different cultures. I think it's wonderful.

It's too bad I haven't found any blogs of white men with Indian women. I know that happens too, but maybe men are less likely to write on the Internet about their relationships...?

Happy and Content

2010-11-07T19:59:00.003-05:00

Here I am on my way to my Diwali party. I had an awesome time. (I got mistaken for Indian twice!) The potato dish I brought wasn't great, it was somewhat undercooked, but I am going to try making it again.

I got to see friends and meet new people and play games and enjoy great company. I'm really feeling very comfortable and content with my life right now. It's very nice.

Kodanda asked if I put on any holiday weight and that will have to wait for next Friday's weigh-in to see, but chances are yes! So far I have lost 13 pounds, but I may have put one or two back on this weekend ;)

Wear Your Sari to Work Day!

2010-11-06T15:37:00.003-04:00

So, our friend over at White Girl Coming Out of the Saree Closet had the thought to wear a sari to work for Diwali. She ended up wearing a salwar kameez, but a friend of hers suggested a Wear a Sari to Work Day and I thought it sounded like a fantastic idea.

Indeed, I decided that I should organize one.

I'll have to decide on a day, I'm thinking a Monday so that everyone in your office can enjoy something bright and beautiful on a glum day.

If your office has a dress code that wouldn't allow for a sari, you could wear it after work for the rest of your day.

Of course, there are a lot of male readers here, so I have nothing for you. If you want to you could wear a kurta, I don't recommend trying a dhoti!

I can post ideas about where to get a sari and pictures and videos on how to wrap it. Once I pick a day, I'll advertise on Facebook as well as here. We can increase the visibility of Indian culture in the western world and we can show that there are gorgeous, amazing clothing options out there that are not centered around jeans or a wrap dress.

If people ask, tell them The White Hindu told you to do it ;) Trust me, Indian grannies will be thrilled to see their clothing being worn by young people or non-Indian people.

All the girls can participate in this, even if you live in India and it's not as shocking.

Let's do it!

****
Hmmm, I'm going to take the total lack of comments as lack of interest. I'm not doing this by myself! So, until people start saying that they're on board, I won't proceed with organizing. But I will probably still at some point post information about how to wear sari in various styles.

शुभ दीपावली

2010-11-05T10:03:00.002-04:00

This is my door decoration currently. (Since I started it, I can't complain if people put up Christmas messages on their doors!)

The chocolate burfi turned out great. It's an easy recipe to do, using the microwave, I highly recommend it.

Tomorrow I'm going to make an aloo dish I've never done before and head to a party in Virginia!

Diwali Puja from Gnaana.com

2010-11-03T12:00:00.000-04:00

A great newsletter came by email from www.gnaana.com. They are the website that makes great, high quality toys based on Indian themes and languages. They shared some beautiful cards giving step by step puja instructions for kids. Here is what the author had to say about them:

Maybe rituals "aren't your thing." Maybe they are. Whatever your beliefs and lifestyle, the fact is that The Puja Ceremony is a key component to understanding Hinduism. It's how Hindus, for centuries, have connected with the Divine. And it's a vital element in almost all Hindu holidays - including Diwali - when the Lakshmi Puja takes center stage.

But how often do you see a 5-year-old (or an 8-or-10-year old for that matter) actually sit through a puja? Maybe they don't understand what's going on. Maybe all those Sanskrit hymns bore them.

This Diwali we encourage you to shake things up. Adults: sit back and let the kids take charge of the prayer ceremony with our Step-by-Step Diwali Puja Tutorial! From the starting preparations to final aarti and prasad, our Tutorial instructs kids on what to do - and, more importantly, the meaning and purpose behind each step. It's The Puja - deconstructed and distilled to the essentials. It's learning by doing.

Of course, keep in mind the puja won't be perfect (or very long), but the kids are sure to have fun being "in charge." And feel free to adapt the Tutorial - we set-up a very basic presentation, but you can insert special family traditions or longer mantras if you wish.

We hope our Tutorial will help kids connect with the more spiritual elements of one of Hinduism's biggest holidays.

And here are the cards:

http://www.gnaana.com/visuals/november10/Diwali_Kids_Activity_Puja_1.jpg
http://www.gnaana.com/visuals/november10/Diwali_Kids_Activity_Puja_2.jpg
http://www.gnaana.com/visuals/november10/Diwali_Kids_Activity_Puja_3.jpg
http://www.gnaana.com/visuals/november10/Diwali_Kids_Activity_Puja_4.jpg

Another Hindi Update

2010-11-03T10:25:00.002-04:00

I had made it my New Year's Resolution to be fluent in Hindi this year. January is coming up soon and I'm not there yet.

It's easy for me to feel discouraged and crushed by the weight of how much I have left to learn, but when I think about how far I've come, I've been doing pretty good!

I started learning Hindi a year and a half ago, in the summer.

I can now:

-read the script extremely well
-follow the basic context of cartoons
-understand most of the words in Bollywood songs (though not always how to put them together)
-say basic conversational things

Things I need work on:
-genders. I have a lot of trouble with putting the correct gender endings on things or knowing which word creates the gender of the sentence (i.e., which word to use to determine mera v.s. meri)
-complex sentences. I'm starting to see how these work, but am not able to generate them yet

Last night I was at my Hindi class and feeling frustrated with myself when I realized that even though I'm struggling with the oblique case and when to use it, just a couple of months ago I didn't understand what the oblique case was!

I have new motivation and a test for my skills possibly coming up. My parents are talking about maybe making another trip to India early next year. Last time they went, I had to work. This time, nothing is going to stop me from going!

Holiday: Diwali

2010-11-02T12:33:00.003-04:00

The end of the holiday season is fast approaching! The size and scope of Diwali makes it a good comparison for Chistmas. It's that important.

It is also called "The Festival of Lights" and I've seen amazing pictures of places where it is celebrated where there are strings of lights everywhere and oil lamps burning. It's very beautiful. The word Diwali is actually Deepavali and it means "row or lamps" in Sanskrit, so that's why it is the festival of lights.

There are a lot of different stories and significances about this day. For me, I see the lights as a metaphor for our inner light, for discovering the bright Truth within. It is also supposed to be the day on which Sri Ram returned from his exile in the forest.

Wearing new clothes is part of the tradition, as well as giving gifts of sweets to everyone.

I have a new silk sari given to me by a woman on Ravelry that I will be wearing. I also need to get working on some Diwali candies! I want to bring some to work, to study group, to game group, everywhere I can I think of.

I got this recipe for chocolate burfi from my favorite Indian cooking website. What a great blend of India and America! Burfi is one of my favorite sweets.

I have a string of lights on my balcony and a rangoli pattern on my front door. I'm going to a party in Virginia on Saturday. I am ready for Diwali!

Halloween

2010-11-01T10:31:00.003-04:00

This is not very relevant, but I wanted to tell you all that I had a wonderful Halloween. I can't remember the last time I felt so happy and content.

I had a lovely lunch with some new friends, one of whom knows Hindi and the other is learning, so we can practice together.

Then I went to my study group and after that, they had a big party. Lots of kids in adorable costumes. We carved pumpkins (I didn't have one and someone gave me one of theirs to carve) and we ate lots of good food and the kids went trick or treating. I haven't carved a pumpkin since I was about thirteen years old and even then my Dad did most of the work!

The gathering was all Indian except for me, but I felt welcomed, accepted, and part of the crowd. Everyone else there was married and had children between the ages of 2 and 10. I had fun with the kids and talked with the adults; I ate Amma-ji's halwa and brought home a cute little pumpkin.

Nice Try

2010-10-30T12:55:00.002-04:00

We are heading into the time of year that puts me on a very short fuse.

To start with, Halloween is this weekend. It's a fun holiday for children to dress up and get candy, not connected to a religion anymore. Today there are fliers all over our building about how Halloween is celebrated around the world as a way to honor Satan. It is, they claim, the biggest holiday on Satan's calendar. There are some Biblical verses that supposedly supports this claim, even though Halloween didn't exist when the Bible was written.

Clearly the evangelical message is, fun is evil.

Other than that, people are trying to be sensitive and politically correct, but not quite making it.

For example, I went to my weight watchers meeting, where they are talking about how to prepare yourself for the eating holidays. I have not mentioned to them that my holidays are winding down and almost over. The leader said that we would discuss techniques for how to deal with the December holidays, whichever ones you celebrate.

Nice try, but I don't have any December Holidays. Again, mine are going to be over in November.

During the meeting one girl described starting exercising as "I was afraid Jesus was calling me home."

The rental office is holding a door decorating contest for winter holiday theme and I am cringing to think about what kinds of Christian decorations that is going to inspire.

And lastly, I tried to create a Pandora.com music station based on bouncy dance/club music and every other song it plays is a soft, Christmas special. No matter how many times I thumbs-down the Christmas songs, they keep playing more of them. It's giving me an angry twitch.

Karwa Chauth

2010-10-27T11:45:00.004-04:00

Completely missed this one! It was yesterday.

In my defense, I am not married, so it is not very meaningful to me.

This is the married women's fast. For the day the wife does not eat (and in some cases does not drink either) for the entire day. In the evening she gets dressed up in fine clothes, sometimes her wedding clothes, and waits to see the moon. Once she sees the moon, either reflected in a pool of water, through a sieve, or through her shawl, then she can eat.

This fast is for the well fare of her husband, although I could have done it as part of preparing for and asking the Gods for a husband.

The day is, I am told, somewhat like the North Indian Valentine's Day. You can see it taking place in some Bollywood movies, for example it happens in Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam.

More information here:
http://indif.com/nri/festivals/karwachauth.asp
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karva_Chauth

This is yet another opportunity for me to be frustrated by the distance between myself and others who practice my religion. Granted, I let it slip and didn't notice what day it was. I found out because my Hindi teacher told me. She said, "I'm tired because today is Karwa Chauth."
"Oh I see," I said, "You must be feeling weak."
She continued as though she had not heard me, "You see, Hindu women fast on this day..." And she continued on giving me a long explanation of something that I already know while I smiled and nodded politely.

I've told her before that I'm a Hindu. It frustrates me that even when I say that, it is assumed that I don't know anything about it. I am educated and given explanations for things I already know all the time. I don't want to be obnoxious, though, so I don't say, "Yes, I know. I'm a Hindu, I do that too."

Naturally, when the Indian girl arrived in class she was told what day it was and not given the explanation, even though she is Christian and her family has been Christian for many generations. (Not that she didn't know what it was, of course she did, but I do also!) Argh.

The Meaning of Unity

2010-10-27T11:09:00.005-04:00

I know I'm getting a bit of flak for my belief that all Gods are the same God.

(Again, to clarify just a bit, I do think that many world religions have lost sight of the true teachings of their own Gods and the religions as practiced today might not lead to the same truth. Most of the passages from the Bible used to justify conversion were said by Paul, not Jesus and I have no trust at all in Paul).

But anyway, I am an Advaitist and as such I believe the following with all my heart:

All Gods are the same God because there is only God. All of everything is the one God. All of everything is one. The trees are God, the pigs are God, the computers are God, the stars are God, the humans are God, the streets are God, the rocks are God, the Tupperware containers are God. It is all the same God. There is only One entity in all of creation.

Our minds are limited by our birth and our death and so we cannot easily see this bigger picture. From our smaller vantage point, we see division, but if we could step back and see all creation together we would know that there is no division. All is One.

Formula for Reaching God

2010-10-26T12:10:00.002-04:00

The main discussion on Sunday was actually about ritual and religious observances. This is something I've spoken about a little bit before.

The book we are reading (Saddarsanam by Ramana Maharsi with commentary by swami Tejomayananda) had this to say about its tenth verse:

"The discrimination of the means and the goal is important for a spiritual seeker. If the means are mistaken for the end or vice versa, then there is trouble. For example, money is the means to purchase objects of pleasure. Happiness is the goal. When collecting money and objects becomes the goal of life, happiness is left far behind."

I like that he doesn't say that getting money or purchasing objects is bad, it's just that one has to be aware of what end goal one is hoping to achieve with one's actions. When we get the means confused with the ends, then we don't get to the end because we are stuck in the means.

"...various spiritual practices are prescribed in different religions by different masters and scriptures for different students as means to purify and concentrate the mind. For a student whose mind is already very well prepared, spiritual practices are superfluous...The desired end is achieved with sincere practice of any one or more of [rituals and practices like puja and japa and meditation]. Thereafter they are dropped, e.g., the car is given up on reaching the airport. The mind is ready for the flight within."

This makes a lot of sense to me. The ritual is there to guide us toward the goal of being at peace and being one with God. Once we are enlightened and merged and realize that we are the Self, we don't need them anymore. The danger, of course, is that we might think we are further along than we are and drop our spiritual practices because we think we have already surpassed them!

The end of the passage is what gave rise to the other conversation that night:

"The unthinking man feels that he is spiritual just because he does japa or visits the temple daily. The fanatic says 'My path alone leads to salvation' and 'My God alone saves.' He has not understood that the worship of the name and form of the Lord and following a particular path are only means to purify the mind and this can well be achieved by other ways. Sanatana Dharma...gives each the freedom to adopt his own means suitable to his inclinations. The goal however is abidance in the Self...the seeker has become one with the sought."

We do these rituals and practices to purify our minds and hearts and allow deeper understanding to enter. It is easy to get caught up in the idea of rules, though, to feel like we'll get to the goal if we just follow all the rules. But enlightenment does not have a formula. You can't just follow certain steps and after you've performed japa exactly 85,000 times, then you are enlightened!

I like that this passage emphasizes trusting your own heart and following the rituals and practices that work for you.